Sleepwalking through Life

I just took half a tranquilizer. I feel so overwhelmed, it's almost a scary feeling because I feel strangely calm, but with undertones that I could lose it at a moments notice...maybe that's what my new psychologist was referring to yesterday when he said I seemed so calm describing my illnesses, my life, and how it's all affected me. I was tired, and getting to his office 20 minutes away by 1pm took a lot of planning and will power. I think THAT'S the problem. I am running on pure will power lately, so it's bound to make me a little zombie-ish. Have to, have to, have to, must do... I feel like I just need a few days, a week, of doing NOTHING, of everything being easy and effortless. I've been keeping busy. Trying to have a social life, because I don't think I'll make it without one; I can't keep wishing my family would be there for me. I need people who have the capacity to give a damn. But the cost is high. So exhausting.

I'm tapering down on the anti-viral, as per my doc's instructions, and I'm starting to get sore throats again daily, and hoarseness, feeling like I'm coming down with the flu, but then it goes away. (And comes back, the very next day.)

Pain is back full force. It's a whole new type of pain, that makes the aches and pains that (fortunately) were the whispers that I'd learned to live with from the Fibromyalgia seem insignificant. I feel like I have lobster or a scorpion attached to the top of my spine, I swear I can feel the vertebraes; they hurt and they are wrapped in barbed wire, making the skin around them raw and sending shooting pains to random areas of my upper back, almost to my armpits, and sometimes down into my fingers even. I can't even get comfortable lying down much of the time, and my recliner was off-limits until right now. And normally I need to lie down often...Fine, I'll adjust, I'll stay upright longer to ward off that discomfort, but then I start looking for things to do, which is easy, because there are dishes and laundry, but then, if I do those, it will aggravate my back. Catch 22. Yes, I've been pulling out every trick in my dusty pain-management archives of my brain...heat, no, ice sometimes, capsaicin, when desperate and willing to risk the stomach effects, daily anti-inflammatory, shiatsu massager if tolerated, TheraCane for what that doesn't get, an extra muscle relaxer or more than one narcotic class analgesic a day, which I usually would hesitate to do...Fun times are here again! lol. It's ok, I'm seriously laughing, what can I say, maybe my therapist is right and I am getting somewhat Zen? Sometimes? What can I do, one must keep on keeping on, or so they say...

I'm waking up SO tired again. I've slept till 1pm twice this week, and still woken up tired. So much to do at the beginning of the month when I get my little government check. I desperately have wanted to do nothing most of the week and inevitably find that there is something I HAVE to do. Doctor's appointment's to keep. Oil to get changed for the Smog Check I can't afford for the Registration I also can't afford. And then I know telling the shrink that my very soul is tired was right on, because making myself go back out to get some food (can't cook with all the dishes dirty) after 20 minutes of indecision so bad it almost drove me to tears, I pull out of my carport and tear off my sideview mirror on a pole that's always been there, which as it turns out, makes driving so much harder, and adds more money to the things I can't afford but must somehow come up with column. (No, not to worry, I wasn't on any medications I shouldn't drive on at the time. Just a fully natural daze I guess. Plus the neighbor parked her car too close to mine, making me veer to the left myself after pulling in.)

Now reality hits. How the hell am I going to get through all the doctor's appointments I have scheduled for myself this month? (They do kinda have to be now, case is waiting for it) 2-3 a week for a month, topped off by Thanksgiving and birthdays all around, for myself included. Thank goodness the Physical Therapy is right around the corner, but still, I'm not used to being out & about and having places to be feel good or not, so it takes far more out of me than it should. (Or else I'd gladly volunteer, that dilemma is what keeps me away from that, as well as school, so exhausting to deal with letting people down. Right now is about survival, I think that's enough, no?) No, people aren't as much a challenge as they used to be, I was a much bigger recluse last time I had PT regularly. Then, I was just so happy to be around people my age, such a rarity, and they were good-looking, chatty, and gave me massages & made me feel better! And thank goodness because I was becoming a bit tooo eccentric!

Lately I've been graced with kind people and easy conversation almost everywhere I go, now that I think about it. I was actually able to have a slice of pizza at Costco, completely relaxed one day recently, just people watch and feel completely calm and at ease...was it the Pharmacy Tech that shared his experience with the two Capsaicin creams I was trying to decide between? The smile and gracious politeness of the checker, or the easy conversation with the pizza girl? Maybe my energy has shifted and they are just reacting to that. Whatever, I'll take it!

It's later, lately, when I get home, that I can't turn it off. Everything is going but deep inside I'm so exhausted and somehow I can't stop the overdrive and it's hard to handle. Life seems like a big storm of chaos this month, and I'm expecting surprises to boot and there's nothing I can do but walk through the storm, and see what I encounter, hopefully stay in the eye for a bit when I can.

Good news is, I haven't gotten AS sick as I'd feared getting off the anti-viral, though, strangely, supplementing with Zinc seems to be helping a great deal (just ran out and already noticing the difference, ugh) and the Nattokinase & Indole 3 Carbinole supplement I took seem to have done the job, very slight discomfort this month, compared to last, for a much shorter time (although I was on various analgesics before & at the time) and also hardly any worsening of autonomic function, just bit of dizziness, but not even almost completely blacked-out-eyeball-squeezing, headache-inducing kind. Well, I'm sleepy, which is happening early a lot lately, and I'll take it. Going to see a Chiropractor tomorrow, yay? My head keeps telling me this will likely help, even if painful at first (I usually feel like my back is in pieces when I get an adjustment after not having one in a long time, and then better later) but I've never had quite this type of pain before, usually it's muscular, this seems to be all bones and nerves so I'm a little scared. Whatever happens, I MUST get to Costco sometime tomorrow, too, running out of essential meds & toiletries, ugh, wish I could do home delivery! And that damned mirror...Oy. A credit card and someone to help me run errands would be SO handy right now...