Alright folks. So today is a new one. Well, not BRAND new, but a recent development. Instead of my usual tachycardia, I seem to be experiencing bradycardia. My blood pressure is 91/58, pulse 67, my chest feels tight, it's harder than usual to breathe, and I feel like someone has my heart in their hands and is squeezing it just a little too tightly and too slowly. Fun times. Kinda feels like someone's got there hands around my neck squeezing a bit, too.
I'm so tired of all these rarish symptoms. It feels so uncomfortable, a bit scary even, and there's not likely anyone to call for help or reassurance who isn't likely to end up making one feel like a raving hypochodriac.
It seems that the trigger (aside from going of the oxymatrine supplement) is eating, which would likely make it something I believe is called "postprandial hypotension" but that is even more infuriating, as good food is one of the few things available to cheer me up. Sometimes I swear I wish I had a punching bag, I get so angry and feel so helpless and tired of all this.
I ended up not having to do the family thing at least. The person I was supposed to "help", though the truth is the help was going to be moral support, because I'm definitely not up to moving, and I would have just been uncomfortable, felt guilty, and probably ended up making myself good and sick-er by forcing myself to help. Hell, forcing myself to make the 40 minute drive may have done it, I've been so exhausted lately. Yes, another fun facet of this illness. The "but you don't look sick" phenomenon. I tried to feel out the possibility of cancelling yesterday, and found myself being attacked. I was told I was exaggerating how bad I felt, and that I was just lazy and all I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch TV and be online. Nevermind that I'm actually compelled to lie down by overwhelming exhaustion, or that I actually start to lose feeling in my feet if I even sit at my desktop PC for long, and sometimes my head begins to get cold, and my hands turn icy, or that I feel ill and my back will begin to hurt so much I can hardly breathe. Nevermind that it's taking me days lately to recover from the 40 minute trip North. Or that despite having to lie down frequently, I suffer from that "tired but wired" phenomenon and would go crazy without the distractions of Television and Laptop (what am I supposed to do, stare at the ceiling?)
I suppose I could take some solace in the fact that this accusation was likely made purely to spite me, but that almost makes it worse because this is a person I should be able to trust with my worst insecurities, burdens, weaknesses, and disappointments, and yet they use these as weapons against me, and for what?
Well, blessed sleep is creeping up and I'll be happy to go sink into its forgiving oblivion. Lest my heart leap back into my throat. (Can you tell I've been reading a novel that takes place in the Middle Ages, in England?)