Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Temp Sensitivity Swings Both Ways!

I'm in Southern California, and have found myself feeling pretty let down by the weather so far this year! Very few sunny days. 2 in a row this week, and I feel lucky! Yes, I did say I live in California! But that has happened before, and just when I was getting comfortable enough to turn off the thermostat, it got cold again!
Not drastically, but enough so that I found myself suddenly waking up very uncomfortable and achey on a regular basis (to the point of not wanting to move) something that hadn't happened since late last Fall, when I realized turning the thermostat up to around 72 degrees kept me from having to wake up to a subtle but all-encompassing ache and discomfort every morning.

Yup, you may not read it in many places, but those of us with Fibromyalgia/or CFS will tell you, we are very sensitive to temperature.

Now, if this sunshine continues, the problem begins to be the opposite, as I found this morning...Just a slight bit too warm, and I wake up feeling feverish and groggy. It doesn't take much...I'd bet it wasn't more than 77 degrees in there, but it was enough to make me wake up and groggily scramble to turn on the fan!

Still, I so hope to be able to enjoy some sun this summer! Once I cooled down, that was what I most wanted to do today. Like last summer, to make up for the lack of sun the year before, I decided to use a self-tanner yesterday. (No, no pricey products for me, my trusty self tanner is a generic version of Neutrogena's from every broke Fibrogrrl's fav store, the 99 cents Only Store, lol. It works great though.)

I woke up today with a glorious simulated tan...and I felt poolside-ready. Only problem? No car!!!!

I contemplated riding my bike to the pool, but had too much to take, wasn't sure I'd make it or if I'd be up for the ride home later if I did. So I hoped for the best. And hoped. And hoped! Dad didn't get home till nearly 5, and by then there was a very cool breeze outside, and I was feeling exhausted. (Which sucks even worse when you've not done a thing to earn it!)

I am counting the days until July. In July I'm taking off! I've been planning since May... I just can't take how stressed I get here, how lonely and stifled I feel. You'd think not working I could at least get to take advantage of it, but that's seemingly impossible w/o my car. Case in point, went to visit my Mom this week. Was dead tired. Hardly managed to do any of what she needed/I wanted/she wanted to do...and then I was bone dead tired and couldn't bear to drive home Sunday night. So I stayed, but anxious the entire time knowing I had to get home.
So I'm stuck here, home alone in a Sr. Community, with not much to do but get tired, which is a bummer because if I'm going to feel miserably tired I'd at least like to have it broken up by spending some time around friends or other family members! As it is, w/the time I have to do that in a leisurely manner, I might as well be working. Which leaves me more time to think about that, and fight off many other sour thoughts, lol. I mean, I'm not talking going out & partying w/my friends & staying over at my girlfriend's. Those days are long over. It'd just be nice to be able to visit friends & family who live a little further away & enjoy it.

Anyhow, so I was feeling particularly stressed (about certain chaotic things that are out of my control, about being "exiled" in the OC, and dying for a breath of fresh air outside these suffocating walls) and decided, if what it will probably take to get my car "back" (ah yes, my Dad lets me live with him, but c'mon a month that turns into 6+ twice, and 50k+ miles on the only item of value I have left? It's a bit much. And makes me sad, and angry, and is another reason I need to not be here, so I can quit dealing with that sort of insanity and hating my body even more for letting me down and being angry at the world, myself, and stuff...ahh, rambling, but see what I mean?) I need a vacation, even if it means the dreaded couch-surfing I moved here to avoid...At least it will be willingly...and hopefully, even with the increasing brain fog of late, and the oversensitive nervous system, it will do me some good to be around people going about their daily business. (These days, I'm mostly over the huge complex I had about not being able to work, but I still find myself feeling like a bit of an outcast and being around people going about their daily business seems ridiculously enjoyable! Seriously! Take me with you to pick up the kids from school, or let me hang out while you run some errand, go to the park/mall/etc. and wooo! I'm part of the world! lol. Silly but true.)What I wouldn't give to live around the corner from my cousins who have kids and help them out sometimes. I guess if I can't live my own life, at least I could be part of theirs...

Ah, but things are looking steadily up...the more time goes by the less time I have to wait for my SSDI case to be approved, even if it's anywhere from 1 month to 1 year, I'm closer. And then I will have money to start putting my life in order, making everything just so...(i.e. allow my inner anal freak to organize things "how they're supposed to be") or at least as close as to what I'd planned as I wanted, or the modified chronic illness-accommodated version of it. I can be on my own again, I can seek the appropriate treatments to improve my health, I can find a way to break my life free of this ice block it's been caught in and move forward towards my future, whatever it contains...a degree so I can be a "sexy librarian" (lol! j/k!)or start writing articles on health, music, or that book I can't seem to get out; some foster kids to adopt or just love and hopefully help guide onto a good path, or just a good if somewhat still chronically health-challenged life filled with good, positive people who can be my "tribe"...Definitely need one of those :)

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