Wednesday, July 31, 2013


No, not again. I think. I did do something weird with my neck riding in an old Jeep Cherokee that brakes like a tank, and my neck is wayyy sore tonight, icing as we speak, but can that really be called whiplash? Maybe when you have FM. That fender-bender I got into on Valentine's Day when a car rolled back into me, was barely a tap, but I had pain within 30 minutes, pain that lasted a couple of months, and that was diagnosed as whiplash. So I really hope not, because now that things have calmed down mostly, it's like I've lost my stamina for stress altogether, and pain of that nature is VERY stressful. And I'm SO tired.

Maybe the real whiplash is in my relationships as a chronically ill person. They are definitely like rollercoasters. Here I was feeling safe, content, relaxing, and as usual...people take a 360 on me when I least expect it. Apparently any kindness is followed by one of those. And I'm supposed to take it, because I'm in a vulnerable position. Unfortunately, I'm not built like that. I don't care what you do for me, chances are I've done things for you too, and that didn't give me the right to treat you like crap, so it doesn't give you the right to either. 

My symptoms of course, are like a rollercoaster too. Up, & down. Up & down. More than anything I am so, so, TIRED. I wake up exhausted every single day lately, I thought it was from the heat, but today wasn't so bad and I still took ages to be able wake up. When I realized my last contact lens had somehow not made it into the case, and I was blind & pretty much useless for the day, I tried to take advantage and go back to sleep, but...of course, then I couldn't! I'd approach the edge of that delicious unconsciousness and tumble backwards into an anxious half-consciousness. Not fun.

Everything else is just coming and going. It seems familiar now, like the hustle and bustle of a subway station. I'm subconsciously navigating through the crowds (my symptoms), trying to get to my destination. If I can avoid thinking about it while I walk through the crowd, it's easier to get from one place to the next.

Emotions run the gamut too. Got a horrible, nearly devastating e-mail from my Aunt, leading us to believe my father was practically a vegetable, that he didn't recognize her, and telling us what horrible children we were, when she knows nothing of what we've been through except what my father has chosen to tell her. But I spoke with his doctor, and got more accurate information. His stroke was not mild, recovery will take hard work and time, but as far as we know he is stable. Our efforts to reach out have gone unanswered, so we have to assume our presence is not desired. If finances and health...well okay, mainly finances - adrenaline and stubbornness would help the rest -- were not an issue that wouldn't stop me. But as they are...I suppose the only option is to stay put and hope for the best, send well wishes, and make it known we are available if we are wanted or needed, are about the best we can do for now. 

Sometimes, given all that we have been put through, it's not too hard to keep our hearts closed and impervious, and sometimes, only the present and it's needs seem to matter, there are too many unanswered questions, and being helpless is excruciating, the anguish, gut wrenching. Time makes things worse for us I think, but hopefully soon finances will cease to be a paralyzing force. Always ups, and downs. Hoping one day, the rollercoaster gets stuck on the plateau...