Monday, May 2, 2011

Panicked Monday

Hello Virtual People.

Hope you're not minding the sudden influx of posts! I spent the weekend being utterly and completely useless. Seriously. I don't know what came over me, but for days now, I've been waking up either insanely, sinfully late, or waking up, lying around, and being overcome by a delicious sleepiness I couldn't and didn't want to resist. And then, on waking up, I've just been either reading like crazy, or online, indulging my librarian's heart to it's content, Googling whatever my heart desired for hours on end. (Well, partially because my attention span has been so extremely unfocused that I'd end up forgetting what I was going to do, and either end up back on Facebook, or switching tabs for a new topic before I could forget it, resulting in tons of tabs that had to be read and closed, a typical problem of mine, I always have at least 10 tabs open. I'm like that Johnny 5 robot from those Short Circuit movies in the 80s! INPUT! INPUT!) Sometimes I wonder if the Internet isn't responsible for my brain fog, and not my illnesses. When I was a kid, I used to actually make lists of stuff to look up next time I made it to the library! Such a nerd, I know! And I did get sick right after the Internet took off, in about 2002...Maybe I just filled my darn brain with too much input and it's short circuiting? lol. (Is it appropriate to say "lol" in blogs? Oh well, I just did!)
Part of my research did include whether I could be experiencing symptoms of some type of mania, too, cuz it was kinda crazy how much time I spent online for a couple of days there...and the not being able to focus was upsetting me a bit. But no, seems like it was harmless. So I spent the entire weekend being self-indulgent, not trying or caring if anything useful got done. Not usually an easy task for me. It was rather odd, really, I didn't feel the slightest bit depressed. I ate only when necessary, to the point where I lost a couple pounds over the weekend. (I didn't like, starve myself or anything, but I didn't feel the need to stuff my face to ease my anxiety and unhappiness.) And I felt okay.

Today however, a whole other story. My last dream before waking was of being with my parents and the SSA judge, on a walk around a neighborhood, where I eventually realized he was testing me, and even though I was tired and dying to sit I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious and afraid he'd think I was faking it. Ugh.

Worse, I found out I didn't get some money I was expecting this morning, which I needed for my main plan of the day, calling all the doctor's names my lawyer gave me last week who wanted to charge for my patient files and if I couldn't convince them to send them for free, pay them and get it over with. Even if it leaves me with no money for the month, I need those files. Before next week. Yup, T-minus 8 days and counting till my hearing. That deflated me a bit, not good with my already non-existent motivation (it didn't magically come back today, even though I'd told myself today was back to business) and instead of figuring out what do next, and even then, all I felt was panic, PANIC!!!!!!

8 Days left. Don't have all my files. 8 days left. Don't have my reports from the doctors I wanted them from. 8 Days left. No cashflow. No money for files. Or prescription refills. Or supplements I'm direly needing. (The immune supplement I was taking was AMAZING, HUGE difference since I ran out, took a couple of weeks, but my viral infections are raging.)

Oh well. Writing this has been therapeutic. I think I may be calm enough to go light my Crystal Reiki abundance and money candles (weirdly, I chose them by the smell. They didn't have one I wanted, and the other one didn't invoke anything upon smelling, whereas it had been really calming before, so without knowing which they were, I ended up choosing Money and Abundance, which I take as a GOOD sign.) and I will meditate a bit, maybe try some Reiki, go for a walk in the beautiful sunny, breezy weather to further ground myself and absorb some positive and grounding energy. Then onto plan B. And C if need be. (B being calling the doctor's offices and attempting to sweet talk them even though I feel like a total loser because some of them I owe money to, and others I feel like I've been a total pain in the butt to, because they've had to fill out SO many forms for me; Prescription Assistance program forms so I can get my $500-a-pop-no-generic-available meds, disability forms for social services, or discounts on utilities...all the while some of them charging me deeply discounted office tired of feeling like a beggar.)

Please everyone, keep me in your hearts and minds with the intention that next week goes well. (I'll even take prayers!) I need this so badly, I need to move on with my life, find a way to get better or to move forward somehow.I need a break from jumping through hoops, lack of security, stress, chaos, pain, and most of all I need a chance at happiness...

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