Panicked Monday

Hello Virtual People.

Hope you're not minding the sudden influx of posts! I spent the weekend being utterly and completely useless. Seriously. I don't know what came over me, but for days now, I've been waking up either insanely, sinfully late, or waking up, lying around, and being overcome by a delicious sleepiness I couldn't and didn't want to resist. And then, on waking up, I've just been either reading like crazy, or online, indulging my librarian's heart to it's content, Googling whatever my heart desired for hours on end. (Well, partially because my attention span has been so extremely unfocused that I'd end up forgetting what I was going to do, and either end up back on Facebook, or switching tabs for a new topic before I could forget it, resulting in tons of tabs that had to be read and closed, a typical problem of mine, I always have at least 10 tabs open. I'm like that Johnny 5 robot from those Short Circuit movies in the 80s! INPUT! INPUT!) Sometimes I wonder if the Internet isn't responsible for my brain fog, and not my illnesses. When I was a kid, I used to actually make lists of stuff to look up next time I made it to the library! Such a nerd, I know! And I did get sick right after the Internet took off, in about 2002...Maybe I just filled my darn brain with too much input and it's short circuiting? lol. (Is it appropriate to say "lol" in blogs? Oh well, I just did!)
Part of my research did include whether I could be experiencing symptoms of some type of mania, too, cuz it was kinda crazy how much time I spent online for a couple of days there...and the not being able to focus was upsetting me a bit. But no, seems like it was harmless. So I spent the entire weekend being self-indulgent, not trying or caring if anything useful got done. Not usually an easy task for me. It was rather odd, really, I didn't feel the slightest bit depressed. I ate only when necessary, to the point where I lost a couple pounds over the weekend. (I didn't like, starve myself or anything, but I didn't feel the need to stuff my face to ease my anxiety and unhappiness.) And I felt okay.

Today however, a whole other story. My last dream before waking was of being with my parents and the SSA judge, on a walk around a neighborhood, where I eventually realized he was testing me, and even though I was tired and dying to sit I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious and afraid he'd think I was faking it. Ugh.

Worse, I found out I didn't get some money I was expecting this morning, which I needed for my main plan of the day, calling all the doctor's names my lawyer gave me last week who wanted to charge for my patient files and if I couldn't convince them to send them for free, pay them and get it over with. Even if it leaves me with no money for the month, I need those files. Before next week. Yup, T-minus 8 days and counting till my hearing. That deflated me a bit, not good with my already non-existent motivation (it didn't magically come back today, even though I'd told myself today was back to business) and instead of figuring out what do next, and even then, all I felt was panic, PANIC!!!!!!

8 Days left. Don't have all my files. 8 days left. Don't have my reports from the doctors I wanted them from. 8 Days left. No cashflow. No money for files. Or prescription refills. Or supplements I'm direly needing. (The immune supplement I was taking was AMAZING, HUGE difference since I ran out, took a couple of weeks, but my viral infections are raging.)

Oh well. Writing this has been therapeutic. I think I may be calm enough to go light my Crystal Reiki abundance and money candles (weirdly, I chose them by the smell. They didn't have one I wanted, and the other one didn't invoke anything upon smelling, whereas it had been really calming before, so without knowing which they were, I ended up choosing Money and Abundance, which I take as a GOOD sign.) and I will meditate a bit, maybe try some Reiki, go for a walk in the beautiful sunny, breezy weather to further ground myself and absorb some positive and grounding energy. Then onto plan B. And C if need be. (B being calling the doctor's offices and attempting to sweet talk them even though I feel like a total loser because some of them I owe money to, and others I feel like I've been a total pain in the butt to, because they've had to fill out SO many forms for me; Prescription Assistance program forms so I can get my $500-a-pop-no-generic-available meds, disability forms for social services, or discounts on utilities...all the while some of them charging me deeply discounted office fees...so tired of feeling like a beggar.)

Please everyone, keep me in your hearts and minds with the intention that next week goes well. (I'll even take prayers!) I need this so badly, I need to move on with my life, find a way to get better or to move forward somehow.I need a break from jumping through hoops, lack of security, stress, chaos, pain, and most of all I need a chance at happiness...

Stress Eating and Magic Mushrooms?

Ah, it must be that time of year again. The last 3 months of the year, when I find myself getting a bit frantic. The sunshine is slipping away (ok, so we had a heat wave here in California last week, but still!) the days are getting shorter...the holidays are quickly approaching, which is tough when you're broke and can't do much about it. History shows that this time of year can be a frantic struggle for me to hang onto my sanity. I start losing hope, depression begins to creep in, and I want to be well, YESTERDAY.

This year, time has slipped by so fast that I'm half dazed when I try and accept that it's nearly halfway through October...but I feel the crisis creeping in, in the form of a scarcely controllable urge to stuff my face! What's more, I hardly even care. I'm SO anxious so much of the time, and it manifests itself as an urge to eat. Which yes, I can recognize, which seems like a good thing, but I think it might be making me even more anxious!

I suppose a big factor is the kitty. As I mentioned before, my fur-kid of 15 years has developed Chronic Renal Failure. It's been quite a fight to get her stable (not sure if we're truly even there yet) the last month or so. I've had to do lots of research, since I couldn't afford any more multiple trips to the vet, but I found myself in good hands, as apparently, many cats live well with this disease for years, and there is a wealth of information on the Internet about how to manage it. By pure grace I've been blessed to be clear-headed enough to mostly digest it well, though I've still had to re-read it multiple times, I am truly grateful that the fog mercifully lifted enough for me to take advantage of that.

I haven't been sleeping well, and I suppose that's a first sign; when I start waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep, it's a sure sign of extreme stress. I've had to give her pills, hand/force feed her food, stick needles in her to hydrate her...She is the closest thing to a child I have, and hard as it's been, I had no choice, and fortunately, I still have a little bit of that part of me that takes charge in an emergency. Actually, I'd been feeling gracefully calm and relaxed (finally!) before she got sick...so maybe my adrenals had begun to replenish themselves. But it's been exhausting. To be feeling sick and exhausted and know you have to hand feed your cat wet food, despite her razor sharp teeth and lack of cooperation...Or steel yourself to stick a sharp needle through her skin, and keep her from wiggling away as water leaks from it under her skin? Yikes. Ha, as I write this I begin to realize why I have been feeling SO stressed and exhausted. But the reward is, there she is, happily napping away on her meditation pillow, if not as healthy-looking as before, pretty close enough.

I guess the gaining the extra pounds back won't be the end of the world, especially since it's not like I'm dating at the moment. I've given up on the gym as well. (My shoulder's still recovering from giving in to the temptation to vent my frustration on the arm cycle, and the last time I was going to go, by a fluke, checking out an erroneous theory, I found out I had a fever...didn't want any infection being driven towards my heart, I have enough problems already!)

So anyways, what's this about Magic Mushrooms? Well, no worries, they're not hallucinogenic. They are magic because they are said to restore the balance between the Th1 and Th2 parts of the immune system... Ganoderma Lucidum, aka Reishi Mushrooms...Crazy, frantic girl that I am, I've begun taking some tea, and the results were nearly immediate. Within hours glands in different parts of my body were swelling and tender...This is a good thing, I believe, because as my doctor and many articles have explained, my immune system, if it were normal, would have fought off the Enteroviral infections I have. So if I'm getting all sore-throaty, swollen glandy, that means it's making it work properly, no? I sure hope so...

Incidentally, it also seems to have a very subtle, relaxing effect on me, much like Ashwagandha...Not quite enough to ease my binge-inducing anxiety, but it's definitely taken an edge off...More on those later...

Now, my mission is SLEEP. I'll let you know if it's successful...