Holidays, Dreams

Had fun chatting with my Aunt as I was taking her to the airport.

Fatigue is way better today. Yesterday was killer. I got showed what's what for saying FM doesn't bug me much these days! Achy, burning, oversensitive muscles. Big time overactive pain receptors, ugh. I ended up in warm, loose clothing (just the sensation of the straps from a loose tank top seem to overwhelm my nervous system during flares like these) slathered in smelly pain cream and doggedly sitting on my shiatsu massager pad trying to get the muscles untangled, lymph fluid moving and whatever else it does that helps. It was a close call between taking my nightly muscle relaxer a little early and taking a painkiller, because I couldn't handle the slightest sensation anymore but I decided to go w/the muscle relaxer and it was the right choice. That and becoming obsessed with a website called faceinhole.com , where I found out I look pretty great in Evangeline Lily's body!

On the way back from the airport, I got a little wistful. I could sense something in the air that reminded me it was a holiday weekend. Formerly one of my favorite holiday weekends, GREAT memories of Memorial Day weekend at my former L.A. Beach City home. Ah, yesss. Suddenly I realized maybe I did care that I don't have plans.
And once again, that desire to LIVE life to the fullest (which used to be a continuous thing) surged up and sent my spirits crashing down. I started imagining the people in the cars whizzing by me on the freeway, their occupants rushing home to get grab their bags for getaways with friends and lovers, to Vegas, the river, various lakes. Getting ready for barbeques with friends and family, days at the beach with kids and friends...bonfires, parties, beach festivals, outdoor concerts, dollar beer specials at the pier... Suddenly it was hard to remember that it had been my choice to treat this like any other weekend and lay low at home. I felt desperately blue and had an overwhelming urge to flee to L.A. But really, I'm not up for all that would entail...

I know my day will come. At the very least 3 day cruises to relax and renew in the glorious sea breeze. Ideally, a good man and some kids to love to death (the man is expendable, the kids are not) or alternately a happy home living within my means in a South American country (I'm eligible for dual citizenship in two countries, and am thinking of adopting there if things go as I hope. I would have a hard time living on Disability here if I don't get well enough to work, but there my income would be multiplied and I could live comfortably, in a house, with domestic help for the house and the kids. I speak Spanish well enough, though Fibrofog makes it a bit of a headache...I could be happy with that though.) The possibilities, albeit dwindling slowly, are still hopeful. (Another nice scenario is finishing school, getting my M.A. in Library Science, and having a nice, quiet job a Reference Librarian where I could possibly work on writing in between questions, lol.) Who's to say I won't get well and become a fabulously successful businesswoman or author? It all hinges however, on the oh-so overly-cautious Social Security Administration ceasing to take their darn time...Hurry up already so I can get one with my life! :P