A long one

Another holiday down. I made it through, not scott-free; got off my diet (which incidentally, I can't wait to be back on, although I couldn't help but indulge in one last biscuit!) and felt ill most of the day, which I pushed through. (Usually I need to sit in my recliner after I eat or I feel sick, it's all related to the Dysautonomia, not enough blood volume, blood gets diverted to stomach for digestion, or there's not enough to get there, which either leads to fatigue, possibly cold extremities, and tachycardia, or just plain feeling ill, or problems w/digestion and feeling sick. Worse when off the B.E.D. diet because regular food isn't as easy on the tummy; plus carbs & sugar raise blood sugar causing more ill feelings.)
Of course, couldn't get by without a little family dysfunction either. Suffice it to say I don't do well with being screamed at by someone who should be treating me with love and respect, especially after I've spent a couple hours trying not to get irritated about having to make sure the day revolves around Dad, not around anyone else. Another reason I'm dying to have my own family, just to have something go nicely and not need people who would ruin the fun to feel like I'm part of a family. Holidays and family mean so much more to me now that I've been sick for so long and it's constantly breaking my heart that even that seems to be out of my control. I'm not perfect, but at this point in time, with everything I've been through the last few years, I just can't seem to muster the serenity to not let my buttons be pushed, especially when someone acts selfishly and nonsensically and rubs salt in the wound called "life is NOT fair, and you really don't have control over anything you thought you would, even the closest people to you are never going to be there for you in the way you would like". Expectations. They're killer. Even worse if you're a writer at heart, and you thought in your head that the story had already been written and everything was supposed to happen just SO. Stories are a writer's babies, and we guard them jealously. But I've had to keep letting go of pieces of the story, as it seems The Editor keeps making shocking changes to (in my mind) the most key plotlines! Now, I don't mind a few liberties being taken, but for goodness' sake, don't throw the entire manuscript in the trash! ;)

Speaking of writing...I feel like I'm getting closer to overcoming the panic that inevitably pops up when I think about getting back to my novel. But I still feel pretty unfocused, overwhelmed, and uncentered, too much noise blocking my soul from connecting to the inspiration. But it's getting better. Maybe when I get back from my July tour of friends who will let me crash at their pads I will have managed to let go of some of the emotional pain that I know is the main obstacle. For now it overwhelms me to the point that I know it is impairing my healing, is part of what I need to heal in order to heal. But nothing to do but try the best I can to overcome it without putting pressure on myself.

To distract myself further, and hopefully get to that place more easily, I've decided to take a class. It's not a required course (frivolous, I know, and worse yet when I'm so close to being at the point where I could finally transfer to a University, but I have my reasons)and I've chosen it solely for the purpose of engaging my sometime Fibro-addled brain, and bringing enjoyment, hopefully spurring creativity and boosting my confidence. (Last time I took classes, I practically ended up having a meltdown...I was miserably sick and kept waiting for a good day to do my work, but they were too few and far between, leading to the stress of trying to finish coursework at the last minute, while STILL feeling unwell, and coupled with being extremely worn out from at least a year of struggling to keep a roof over my head and the merciless self-judgement of myself for yet another failure. Abject failure being something I wasn't very familiar with before I became ill...)
SO yes, I will be taking a course, but for fun! And I refuse to worry about how it would look on my transcript if I can't finish it or don't do well...(Partly because the subject matter leaves little room for it!) Yes, a course on Latin American Culture & Literature (taught in Spanish) is as probably as close to Heaven as I can get in a classroom, so we shall see...I don't think even a professor obsessed with symbolism could ruin a course like that, as long as it contains at least some Marquez and Allende.

In other news, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, with a certain well-known ID doctor who treats CFS. I haven't managed to see him since I lost my insurance, so I'm nervous both because I'm afraid of the cost, and because I missed my last two appointments and stopped taking one of the medications he had me on. $40 a unit suddenly overwhelmed me...along with the cost of my usual allergy supplements and some supplements I added in an attempt to boost my adrenals and stop feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out for no good reason. (Or perhaps with good reason but that I should have adjusted to long ago.) I'm thinking I may have to find a way to go back on them though, because I've definitely noticed a marked decrease in cognitive function (I found myself having to do this thing where I have to stop and visualize putting ideas or steps in order before I can verbalize them, because I can't seem to organize them enough to do it otherwise and end up tongue-tied. What better form of torture for someone who prides themselves on succintness?) and now that I think of it, my heart has been bothering me more than usual since I discontinued it as well...

Sadly, I doubt this doctor can do anything more for me, but he is probably the most reputable ally I have as far as proving my SSDI case goes. Plus, one of the experimental treatments he put me on has improved my immune system noticeably. It's not helping me get rid of the CFS, I don't think, but it has definitely put an end to getting sick with various infections several times a year, for which I'm very thankful...

So wish me luck...