No Place Like Home

Back home. I went up to the old stomping grounds to help out a friend with a work event she was hosting, just help keep track of guests and such, and kind of got stuck out there! My Mom got my birthday card and present and decided she loved me again, lol, so I stayed for her birthday. (Thank goodness, because although I had fun at the event, I think all the excitement threw my nervous system out of whack, so I couldn't sleep for hours, but was too exhausted to drive home.) We went for a late birthday brunch to celebrate, and then my cousin came out from L.A. with her boyfriend and joined Mom, brother, and I for dinner around the corner at a kitschy Chinese restaurant. Exhaustion again. (I would have gladly rested all day THAT day, lol.) So Friday, complete apathy, tiredness that could not be overcome through willpower. Really wanted to go home, but I was just too tired! Totally planned on going home yesterday missing too many comforts: Wireless Internet, more than one place to sit comfortably (Mom's apt is tiny, as is her couch) my own bed & pillows, which the neck is tres picky about lately, easy temperature control (like many people with Dysautonomia, my inner thermostat does NOT respond well to even slight temperature changes, ugh, just a couple of degrees too cold, and I can't get warm, just a couple of degrees too warm and I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck, end up drenched in sweat, or if unable to sweat, which happens sometimes, like I'm about to internally combust).

So by Saturday I was determined to go, if still exhausted, and getting quite grumpy. But then my Mom gave me my Vitamin B-12 shot, and I got happy and optimistic figured out how to play Monopoly on her Satellite TV, and decided staying one more night wouldn't kill me. Unfortunately, pillows and foreign beds were NOT my problem, at least not as much as a doggie left alone by it's owner upstairs that barked for about 6 hours straight...Then I woke up to rain, but fortunately, all the rain lately seems to have rendered Southern Californians much more capable of driving in it, so the going was wet, and slow, but steady and not marred by excess traffic or accidents. Soooo good to be home at the roomy, multi-roomed, comfy, radiating-heated condo! And Wi-Fi! (Had to let my cell get disconnected, but I discovered I can still use most of the apps via Wi-Fi! Yay! Hmm. If I can still use the Internet on it, maybe I can use Google Voice on it and get rid of my cell service altogether?)

Anyways. I am SO, SO glad that I have no appointments tomorrow. I'm sure I'll find something that needs to be done tomorrow, but it's nice knowing if I wake up feeling like hell or even just as tired as I have been, I can sleep in and not force myself too hard. Of course, Tuesday and Wednesday, PT. Then the holidays begin, ugh. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE the holidays. I just hate being broke and from a newly broken family for them. I had resigned myself to having to stick with just the three of us for Thanksgiving by deciding I would have it at my place (we'd talked about it months ago) last year it was at my brother's and I exhausted myself silly helping bring things and doing my part, had to lie down by the time his girlfriend and her Mom arrived, hated it. Plus, this place is way roomier than my Mom's, more comfortable than my brother's shared, sparsely furnished apartment, and has room for everyone to sleep over. I also figured not having to drive anywhere I would be able to start early and pace myself. Plus I've only once had the pleasure of hosting Thanksgiving in my home, the only other time being when I had my studio, for my best friend and her boyfriend, who spent the whole time arguing. (Between that and exhausting myself cooking & cleaning, I did not enjoy THAT it much, though the food was delish, lol.) Unfortunately, my Mother has developed a phobia of coming to my Dad's former digs, and keeps trying to tell me my brother won't come as an excuse, even after I talked to him, found out he was planning on coming here, and I told her. I told her to come up with a new plan then, and she didn't like that plan either... So...I don't know. I'm starting to not care. It makes my brain so tired trying to function, much less cook in crowded, not completely familiar surroundings. I've had enough driving for the week. I know my brother will come to my Mom's for an hour or so and leave (another reason I was looking forward to having it out here, some family time! That's what holidays are about. Stuffing oneself silly and then hanging out...at least for the evening, if not for leftovers the next day!) and it altogether just doesn't seem worth it anymore...to make two people happy who don't really care that much about making me happy. So in the light of the anticipated holiday gloom, I decided to throw myself a birthday party. I was a bit apprehensive, but decided to go out on a limb. Hors d'oeuvres fresh from the microwave, hot chocolate, spiced mulled wine & some music. Hopefully I can handle it, haha. But I need some holiday cheer, and I know I can't even depend on my family for my birthday (my brother's birthday is the day after and he decided to celebrate it the same day; last year I got insults and ran out on by my Mom because I was tired and wanted her to take care of her own phone calls & paperwork, and stood up by my Dad) much less Christmas. I so wish I had my own family just to populate the holidays, lol. Now here's hoping the friends come through, though I don't expect much. Oh, wow, don't I sound like Negative Nelly. I can't help it. It's my reality. But I will choose to make the best of it. So Birthday party it is. I know a lot of my friends seem to have taken it personally that I don't hang out with them anymore (never mind that I'm home resting & they can't visit) but I think a couple will show up, and who knows, that might work out for the best!