Up & Down

Well. Couldn't sleep till late, and then the phone started ringing at all hours; I was too tired to go get it (the living room is a maze right now, and with how unsteady I am like that, dangerous, lol) but it kept waking me up, so I just ended up sleeping in until I felt I needed it, which turned out to be close to 2pm! Outrageous, I know, but I was really, really tired, I just couldn't unwind last night, after I lost the sleepy.

I woke up (the 4th or 5th time) feeling I might be physically okay, even if emotionally deflated, and half-heartedly tried to steel myself to make all those phone calls. Orthostatic Hypotension everytime I stood up, but only mild, no biggie. Excited to have the honey wheat bread & butter I bought w/my last few bucks (since I didn't have to pay a copay, yay!) I decided to have some toasted along with a cup of my yummy strawberry banana whey protein.

Apparently that was a BAD idea. Or maybe the bad idea was opening my mail? Paperwork, paperwork, bills. Another copy of that bill from the missed appointment (I think that was today?Or yesterday?) and then some good news, a blank copy of the form I'd asked my social worker to fax me earlier in the week (that I didn't get). The good news, being that it said to get it back a date over a week away, not by today or the end of the month, like she'd said before. What a relief. (I think, I still need to call her tomorrow and make sure.) For some reason, my stomach felt queasy looking at all the darn papers in my lap. So sick of forms. Forms, forms, everywhere, it seems. Literally, too because my living room is still waiting to be completely emptied of the files I've been meaning to scan away into digital land. I desperately wanted to be away, outside, in nature somewhere open & uncrowded, and wondered if I could make the walk down the path to the tree-y area at a creek/preserve I like to go to a few minutes away. It's like one of those wild park places. Ducks in the creek, huge trees, some pretty old (they have labels, so one knows) plenty of grass, and most of all the peace that only nature can bring.

And then, the queasiness turned into an actual twisting pain and full-on nausea. I had to move to the couch. Okay, okay, I'm used to stomach problems now, to the point I almost don't notice, I just deal with them, and onwards. So I went to the cupboard and grabbed a couple of ginger candies. They helped with the nausea a bit, but not the pain, ugh. Long story short, the toast didn't stay in me long. I actually lost two pounds between when I woke up and all that was over, mostly liquid, and I felt weak as a kitten, and most definitely not okay anymore. Back to bed I crawled. After a couple of hours, I made myself heat up some broth and drink it down, and that definitely helped. But by then it was evening, so no phone calls, no nature. Nothing done today.

I guess I really need to get some rest! (Well, I did make myself stay in bed catching up on TV shows) but most of all I guess I need not to push. Wait. I don't really have that option!

I also got my file from my attorney today. Wow, it was heavy! A box that felt like it should only have a ream of paper but had 2-3, plus an extra envelope. I couldn't bring myself to open them. I'm so absolutely sick of papers. Especially medically-related. I'd been dying to go over the records, I thought, but once they were here...I just want to scream, NO MORE!
That's not going to work though, is it?

Later today I remembered I have to go get labs done. Ugh. Was a little iffy about it yesterday, but convinced myself it would be no big deal, I was doing better than last weekend & it would be okay, but now I'm dreading losing any of my blood at all, I could use every last drop! Oh well. I have followup appointments to go over them already and I've already learned my lesson on missing appointments, lol.

Oh, jeez, I feel like I'm coming across as so negative, but I swear, it's more sarcasm. I'm pretty okay, so much more level. Just exhausted, but in the moment, which is a comfortable place to be. Ohhh, and I realized, all that anger I was feeling last week? It's PMS! I keep forgetting, but I always feel like that the week before the last year or so. I'm seriously going to go put a reminder for it in my phone, because I keep forgetting, and maybe I won't feel so desperately awful if I know all that seething anger isn't technically coming from me, it's more my accursed hormones. The human body is a trip man! More and more, it seems to me more and more literally like a computer. See what being sick does to you? You end up watching way too much TV and start believing the stuff you see on the Sci-Fi channel! I really need to make a trip to the library soon. (Actually, I have some books I could read in Spanish, classics, I think maybe my brain might be able to handle that now! Yay!)

Oh wow, I'm a dork, I think I just passed up the sleepy. (The sleepy being that perfect state of sleepiness where a girl who has a bit of trouble sleeping, can actually fall asleep quickly.) Now my brain feels twisty and irritated, typed too long, uh oh...must go try and grab it back. Definitely need some rest. Better luck tomorrow.