Tuesday, September 20, 2011

TLC, Giving, & Tx

First, I suppose I should apologize if I've come off a bit bitter, I was going for sarcastic but positive, and somehow it just doesn't come off on the page as well as it does in my head.

I am okay. I've done nothing all year but hang on and try not to rail against it all too much. I just kept telling myself, a few more months till the hearing, a few more months till the decision...I guess the TLC I received helped, as well as what I got to give some here & there, too. I hadn't realized what a huge thing that was, what a piece of me was malnourished, it feels so good to give. Giving makes you feel useful. Yup, sick people need to feel useful, too! Let us help! (But don't get mad if we can't.)Or at least, let us love, yeah, awww!

I'm so grateful, too, that my brain has been working. Not continuously, but still better than in years. I can remember phone numbers again! If I'm really worn out, it gets worse again, like, a few weeks back I spent a couple of weeks at my Mom's and was dying to go home, because my brain was all pretzeled up trying to keep track of my toiletries & medications & things, as well as remember where her kitchen things/toiletries were located and I kept forgetting why I'd walked into rooms, which is infuriating(see, when I say I'm better, it's relative, cuz you'd think having stayed there for roughly half the year altogether I'd know where stuff was, but...I'll take it. I just hope it doesn't bail on me if I have to get a job. I'll beat if up if it does.)

My fatigue, it's hard to say. I feel like it's better, but maybe that's just because I choose not to think of it. I just lie down/recline whenever I feel compelled to, which is often if you're not me, but doesn't seem like a big deal to me, not sure if it's fatigue, or the weird nearly imperceptible signals of my dysautonomia pushing me to do it. The confusion is compounded by the fact that I'm feeling good, great even, the last couple of days, but in honesty, looking back the last month or so have been rough, symptom-wise, and it's not like my "great" is normal. Lots of Tachycardia, I think I ran out of Metoprolol, my beta blocker for the POTS twice this summer, and then I also ran out of the Immune Support supplement I was taking. Mushrooms. I've discovered mushrooms are VERY useful. Not that the anti-viral I am taking doesn't help, I was out of that for a few days and all hell was breaking loose, so that seems to be the keystone in my current treatment, but definitely enhanced by the Immune Balance supplement; the ingredients being Beta Glucans and a cocktail of Reishi, Maitake, and Cordyceps I believe.
I also found a bottle of Cordyceps, and found it seemed to work as well if not better for my immune system, plus I think I've seen my endurance strengthen, perhaps emotionally as well as physically. Wait, I take that back. It's more like it increases my ability to push myself, as, like I've said, I've tried to spruce the place up a bit, and that has caused some actual sweating, which felt amazing, ahh! But I have to admit that I also had more tachycardia flareups, which I got frustrated enough with to stop letting them push me around. Yes, I dared them to mess with me! As long as I'm not completely out of breath from them or getting cold, I try and go about business as usual. Before this laptop found me, I was having major issues with pins and needles and iciness in my feet, even cold sweats & nausea from sitting at the computer, but I even got stubborn with that...but pushing past it made me feel weird though, I almost couldn't sleep, I felt this tense, over-amped feeling like someone gave me meth and my muscles were too tight, breathing too shallow. I suppose it has something to do with the autonomic nervous system's control of epinephrine or something related.

Allergies, are sucking, contrary to what the SSA presumed. (That they must be non-existent because I haven't gotten treatment. MSI doesn't cover allergists, so...) I guess I forgot to mention, too, that I actually was taking 4x the normal dose of antihistamines plus natural supplements & sometimes nasal rinses to keep the excruciating sinus headaches at bay? Well, I decided to cut back on the antihistamines cuz I was running out and I felt wary of side effects at that dose, and then my allergy supplement got discontinued! Inflatrol, lovely enzymes, quercetin, turmeric, etc. I've managed to get new supplements with those in the, but they're not working the same, or my body does agree that a double dose of antihistamines is enough and wants me to make it quadruple again? It's usually like this. When I finally get them under control by about the third week, I have to stop taking the supplements because they thin my blood too much and if I keep taking them that last week, I will menstruate indefinitely, eww, I know. That time of month I'm utterly screwed. Not only do I get angry, senstive, and weepy, but my allergies are awful, my blood pressure drops and I can't have salt to raise it because I will not only bloat up but this will cause excruciating cramps and/or bladder pain. (Because my IC acts up, even if it's been good for weeks, that week, ow. (Another assumption the SSA made.) I also re-started taking an Indole 3 Carbinole supplement because my Endometriosis and other hormonal issues are acting up again, ugh. (I'd started eating soy again, big mistake as far as Endo. Another development, I'm anemic, and finally convinced maybe I need to eat meat again...but I can't bring myself to.)Been wanting to check w/my Dr. to make sure it wasn't the anti-viral causing it, but with all the family chaos in addition to my own turmoil, brokeness, and phone being cut off so I could help feed a family member, I missed my last couple of appointments :( I've been hanging on, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been emotionally overwhelming, and I have no tolerance for stress, so I've been missing a beat or two occasionally...)
Huh, you'd think all that would bum me out, but it doesn't, really, it's just my life. I do my best to try and live in the moment, because my sanity depends on it. So I will keep going to the park to take pictures of the beautiful scenery, play with and photograph my Mom's adorable doggie, get joy & satisfaction from little things, and on my never-ending quest to be a better me. Hopefully a me with more cash, and less weight! (I joined a really cheap new gym, awesome deal, under $20 gets you free tanning(?!?) & hydromassage, & a guest pass. So if I feel crummy I can bribe myself to the gym with a massage, which more than likely increase my circulation enough so I feel better, and then I'm already at the gym! Brilliant, no?)OMG, I think I'm watching Jay Leno without meaning to, and I swore I never would again after the Conan debacle! Gasp! Must go!

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