So, I think I may have mentioned that if I lost, I would go jump off a bridge. (Or was it suicide-by-cop? Nah, I scrapped that after I lost my Life Insurance, lol.)
Fortunately, thanks to the good year I've had, I've managed to scrounge up a willingness to keep on truckin', as they say. When I think of the what it took to survive before I moved in with my father, and all the hell I've been through since, and the fact that I now have no cushion for my future, I kind of feel a flicker of "please, just let it all be over!" But, then, I've also been entertaining certain ideas.
I do have a certification in Reiki, and am technically able to practice this amazing healing art, per said certficate. The question is, should I? I've been doing good, but I'm not always the most cheery person. Nor am I all that healthy, in any way... Sometimes I'm not even sure if the healing works, though when I recently began to refresh my memory reading my manual, I felt it coming back with a vengeance. (Just for the record, I put on my typing gloves, but my hands still hurt, and my shoulder area just gave a pinched nerve twinge to let me know it wasn't missing out either.)
There's freelancing as a virtual assistant, which part-time I might be able to do, but the stress of dealing with clients might be a bit much, freelance writing, which I've never done, writing a book, which I can't seem to make myself do and I feel if I did I would fall into that obsessive cycle where I get focused on something and do it obsessively, kinda like this typing right now, which although I'm using a laptop and in a recliner is killing me, so it might not be good for my pain levels but...
On the other hand, I was looking at gigs in the classifieds, and found some part-time jobs that I would qualify according to my resume. Those, are kind of overwhelming. My last job was only 20 hours a week, and it was a struggle of pure willpower that I succumbed to and let ruin my health because I didn't feel worthy not working. The memory of the guilt I had at letting my employers believe I was the person on that resume leaves a very nasty taste in my mouth. And I don't believe that would be a sustainable endeavor anyhow.
On the other hand I did the math, and jeezus christ, with a few hundred dollars a month maybe I could help myself, not like I could have if I had thousands of dollars of SSDI backpay and $700/month, but maybe I could manage some more things to make me feel like a regular human being, see a chiropractor, get a massage, treat myself to a movie, make friends w/o worrying about how I'm going to pay for my food/drinks/ticket/gas (part of the reason I quit trying, that and getting ready was exhausting!) get some paid help cleaning, buy myself some slippers...I could be less stressed trying to wrestle a couple of measly hundred bucks into enough to pay for prescriptions and supplements before I run out, not be stuck at home because I have no gas...and now that I've put the bills all in my name, begin to rebuild my credit (and, likely, file for bankruptcy, I can be optimistic, but there's waaayyy too many collection bills for me to pay off working part-time.)
In the past, I've jealously guarded the secret of my disastrous health from my employers until I couldn't. But maybe if I only did that until I was hired it would be less stressful and I would feel less guilty. Maybe if I look at it as a way to make my life easier and not a measure of my dignity and worth, and am not afraid to walk away if my health is suffering... Of course, the problem there is, that only works as long as I have a place to live rent-free, and that's not likely to last. For all I know I could be homeless by X-mas, and I know I can't pay for a place to live. Even if I was lucky enough to talk myself into a $20/hr full-time job, I probably wouldn't last for more than a week or two of willpower-propelled exertion...plus with wrecked credit?
Maybe I can try working part-time, and not think about what will happen in the future, if I will find myself standing on a ledge again, so tired. Or maybe it will give me back the hope to believe that there is a way, if not to get well, to survive without hating my life. I believe I'm here because the part of me that knows what this is all really about knows something I don't and chose for me to be here. The danger is when I wonder if that part of me is right and has a worthy cause, or if maybe it's just for entertainment purposes, cuz this ain't fun and definitely not worth it in THAT case! (OMG, I would take eternal revenge on my higher self if I found out it was putting me through this for kicks!!!!) Fortunately, I've brainwashed myself into believing there's really something all this positivity crap, and so...I just want to not struggle so much for just a little while, maybe that will be enough to replenish my willpower, because right now, my soul feels so battered...more than anything I need a reason to smile. Is that crazy? I think it's crazier that these past years, the few times I've been around people who make me laugh, my face actually hurts because the muscles are so out of use, but it hurts so good...
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