Not Just the Holiday Blues

As most of you know, Depression, like FM and CFS, is a true illness. It's not just a case of the blues, having a bad day, or anything like that. There are actual changes that take place in the brain, which many times, are extremely hard to undo without help.
The funny thing is, that I should know this, better than anyone.

I got to thinking, this is the 3rd Christmas in a row I've spent severely depressed. Well the 4th really, but this is the 3rd one I haven't been able to fight my way out of on my own. Something about being broke and not having any control over it at Christmastime. (I kept telling myself it wasn't Christmas, but umm...seriously, who am I kidding? Christmas before last I was so depressed I lost about 15 lbs, because all I could manage to force myself to eat was a protein shake a day, was barely hanging onto my will to live day by day,and last year, I was too sick to take one of my finals, do much for Xmas, or even go to New Year's parties, couldn't pay my rent plus had an all-around pretty bad year.)
I think the worst part this year is, that I potentially could have made some money this year, but my health has been extra unpredictable lately, leading me deeper into depression. And anger. Lately, that's how it seems to manifest itself. It's hard to want to be around anyone when you feel so dark and damaged inside. And generally, people don't want to be around you.

Anyone struggling with serious health problems, not to mention financial disaster on top of it, wouldn't be blamed for being depressed, it's almost to be expected.

The problem is, I'm not just anyone. I have a long history of chronic depression, I've been fighting that battle since I was about 14...and had gotten pretty good at it, but the truth is, I guess I was hoping I could get rid of ONE life-changing illness, so I convinced myself I just "wasn't depressed anymore" and tried to tell myself a positive attitude was enough. But what a lot of people don't know, is that just because you suffer from depression, doesn't mean you have a bad attitude. It's an illnesss. All about chemicals & stuff. Sure, a positive attitude can help keep it under control, but if your chemicals are all whacked out, just wanting to continue being alive through the psychic pain becomes like the struggle to keep your head above water when you're drowning. That's why it's an illness.

You'd think that having dealt with Depression since my early teens, I would know better than to think I was cured, or never really had a problem, or that I that it wasn't a chronic thing after all, just an episodal thing. (Granted, a lot of external problems in my life the last 15 years or so, so I guess it's not too crazy to convince myself it was just that...)
But I mean, at the age of 19, I made the conscious decision NOT to have biological children because I don't think I could forgive myself for passing my Depression on to them.
(Chances are 50-50. Yes, having your own child is a beautiful thing, but I adore children, and if it was my own, and I had to watch them go through what I've gone through with Depression, knowing full well what it's like...I'm not sure I could forgive myself. Worse yet, what if they weren't fortunate enough to survive it as I have...which really, is just barely...Forgive me if I sound melodrmatic, but this is my reality...I can't fathom gambling with the life of someone you love like that. I long ago resigned myself, happily, to adopting. Even as that possibility looks bleaker and bleaker, because of my health & financial difficulties, I can't fathom taking the chance of putting a child through that just because I want to be a mother. It just seems too selfish, knowing everything I know.)

So, if it was that bad, how did I end up in such denial?
Wellll...
I was doing well before I got sick. I was on antidepressants, and things seemed to be well under control. I remember, when I first realized the gravity of having Fibromyalgia, and the uncertainty of what it could mean to my life, I decided, I just couldn't afford to be depressed if I was going to fight it, so I made my mind up to be positive above all.

Well...you can be positive all you want, but that doesn't mean an illness is going to go away. And being positive? Hmm, funny how closely that resembles being in denial after a certain point...
Also, people mistake being depressed for being negative. Of course you're going to be depressed if you're a negative person, right?
Well, I think I'm a pretty positive person. The problem is, when I'm depressed, my chemicals go all crazy. You get to a point where you just absolutely can't find the silver linings. Can't be grateful for what you have. Can't climb out on your own.
It's a lot like Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar. Only for me it's like being inside this black brick box. I can't get to the happy thoughts. I'm suffocating back there, inside the black box. I know the happy thoughts, the happy place, is on the other side. But it's sooo dark it suffocates, I can't even make out the outlines of the memories of them, and the wall is so tall you can't see the top, so you just sit down by a wall and try to breathe, to hang on for another moment, another hour, another day, trying to keep from losing your grip on wanting to be alive, and if a crack should open up in the wall, you sit right so the light hits you, and start doggedly pounding away at the wall for a bigger hole. But it's a a really thick, brick wall...all around. Sometimes it goes away, but it doesn't take much for it to come back when you're already low.

You wish someone would come and help you, but you feel guilty, because you know the darkness is toxic, that it almost seems to rub off if they're not careful, and besides, hardly anyone has ever tried to help. It's like the darkness repels, repulses, and you're there, feeling alone and dark and damaged, and wary of even asking for help from anyone who isn't paid.

So I guess my point is...denial is a bad place, and even if you don't have a history of chronic depression, if it's a new thing, treat it.
It doesn't help matters any to try and be a tough guy.
(I know I don't look forward to adding another pill to my collection, but...)

I'm sure the holidays wouldn't be hitting me so hard if I hadn't waited so long to get treated for my depression. Just because you don't hear voices or see things that aren't there doesn't mean you don't have a serious illness, and a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I guess I should know better. I'm just so worn out...

I've made an appointment to see an M.D....Not till January though, so I may have to find another doctor who can see me sooner. For now I'm upping my 5-HTP (which seemed to be helping, until I ran out for a week, seems like the story of my life lately!) maybe I'll see how much a bottle of St. John's Wort is...I'd much rather be taking something I'm familiar with and under the supervision of a doctor.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep fighting off that box the best I can.