Another Tough Day

I'm so frustrated with these symptoms. Today, I slept until the phone ringing woke me up at 12:30! Even for me, that's a bit much. I must've been tired. And this is the one day I have nothing scheduled, so I wasn't worried about it.

I got up, made something quick to eat, came to check my e-mail & Facebook, checked out some new articles from the NFA, and that's about all the time I had, an hour or so, before I felt my body telling me I needed to get horizontal. It just seemed like too much though. After an hour? So I resisted the urge to lie down and kept doing stuff. My reward: a racing heart, more heart palpitations. After checking my BP & pulse and finding my pulse was 118, I decided to lie down. Besides, my shoulders were burning w/discomfort already too, calling for my heating pad, or massage pad (but that involved my sitting up, so I went w/the heat).

So frustrating. I put on a show, commercial free of course, because otherwise I'd zone out during the commercials and start thinking too much or thinking of things that needed to be done. But it didn't make a difference.

I got to thinking about Christmas. I feel so left out of it all...Yet another year with no Christmas tree, no Christmas shopping, no opening the presents at midnight Christmas Eve surrounded by family, seeing their faces when they see what you got them, or dancing until late in the night. Hell, I'd settle for watching people dance until late in the night. Just to be around that kind of happiness would be nice.

I start thinking what I could do, and problem solving mode tells me, Well throw your own party! Oh wait. Broke. Have hundreds of dollars of medical bills I need to pay, and can't even do that.

And THAT is the main problem. Money. I've tried as hard as I could to work around my illness, but I can't keep it up. This last week alone, I've spent every day either doing something; running crucial errands, going to appointments, or in bed, trying to rest this thing out. I keep thinking there has to be a way to fix it all. I'm already doing the best I can though.
I just keep encountering one roadblock after another, and my mind & my spirit are worn out, sometimes it feels like I can barely think straight anymore, and my emotions are bossing me around, I just don't have the strength to summon up to be strong and sensible and stop the negative thought patterns. Two years ago, I could manage to pull the silver linings out of anything...but they seem to be all used up.
I've just about used up all the hope I had in me it seems. I don't believe next year will be any better, that hasn't worked in too long.

Well, I got a good useful talking to and managed to stop thinking so much, and things didn't seem as bad. I'm still torn though. Part of me is half convinced I should get over not feeling well and do something to either make some money, or at least get out and spend some time in the outside world. If that makes it worse, then the bright side is, I may finally have proof convincing enough for the government to believe I'm ill enough for them to help me. But on the other hand, I don't like people seeing me ill.
I remember one of the last Christmases I had that was good, shortly before I had to quit working full-time, I'd been going downhill for weeks, but I'd met this guy, and was really into him. So when he asked me to go to the mall with him, and help him do his Christmas shopping, I totally said yes. I was exhausted, but I had been for weeks, so I just pushed myself, but I guess all the makeup and the cute clothes didn't hide it. I broke out in a sweat and I guess I was probably pretty pale, honestly, I think I was having trouble catching my breath too, but wasn't saying anything. He noticed though, and made me sit down, was very concerned. I just said maybe I needed to eat, and he got me some food, and I think took me home after that. It didn't end well.

Ha. Maybe that's why I'm not too excited about dating these days. And my answer about trying to push myself. So much guilt with these illnesses. It seems so ridiculous to get so tired so easily...Worse, when no one seems to see that you need a helping hand. It's like being in purgatory. So torn between what to do. Always second-guessing myself. I've gotten better, but it's still hard. I had someone tell me today I should try exercising. Right. My heart is all whacky, I keep getting tired for no reason am in pain and having an overwhelming urge to lie down and I should go jump on a treadmill? It's enough to make you want to do it, just to prove that it was a bad idea. But really, I'd be the main one to suffer from that.

So anyways, I had been doing better with the not thinking so much stuff, really!

This is so definitely a rant.

Maybe if I'm good, and rest, and stop thinking, I'll be well enough to celebrate New Year's. I think that will be my happy thought. Haven't been to a good party in awhile...

Off to watch yet another episode of Fringe. It's my answer to the demise of The 4400. Thank bro.