The Evil of Heels, 48-hour Backlash, on Painkillers, and Financial Frustrations

Happy New Year everyone!

I somehow managed to get out to celebrate a bit. I got superstitious after feeling too sick last year, and having the year from HELL. (Had to give up my apartment, moved in with a bitchy roommate, barely made it through school, had to move to a Sr. Community an hour away from the life I'd so painstakingly begun to form, and lost another appeal with the SSA for Disability Insurance. And that was just the major stuff.)

So I did get out this year, though I almost felt too ill at the last minute, but that was because my allergies were acting up. (Definitely allergic to dogs now too, as it turns out. Another consequence of CFS whacking out my immune system.)
I had a pretty good time, especially after the alcohol kicked in. For some reason, alcohol relaxes my muscles, numbs any pain completely, and gives me a ton of energy, all of which makes me very happy while it lasts. It's the next day that it usually kills me. I don't get a hangover, at least not like normal people.
Most of the damage seems to come from the fact that I don't feel the pain. So whereas if I had been sober, I wouldn't have been able to stand even standing in my inch & a half heels for long (I actually did have to sit down after about 5 minutes because my legs were getting shaky and hurting.) After a drink or two, none of that matters. I even had the gall to DANCE a bit in them. (How can you not have dancing at a holiday party?)
Now, I thought by some miracle, I'd escaped the consequences of my actions when I woke up feeling just a little sore today. (For some reason the worst pain of all comes the 2nd day after the offending activity, whether it be pushing a little too hard at the gym, dancing, or slipping & falling.) But by this evening I was feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.
But thank goodness for pain medicine. Until this past year, I hardly ever took it when I didn't have something absolutely pressing to do, usually if I was at home, I'd do everything else possible. But right now, my mood is a little precarious, and the hellishness of a severe flare can push me over to THE DARK SIDE.
Besides. One of the biggest reasons for my enduring the pain was the little voices in my head of people who did not approve of my taking pain medication. Usually people who couldn't take it themselves for one reason or another. (Their body's intolerance to it, or former addiction.)
I've learned to trust myself though, and especially as my pain levels have steadily increased w/the lack of access to chiropractic & other alternative care, I don't need to listen to those little voices anymore because they just don't make sense, and I don't need to justify myself to them.

I knew I'd made the right decision when I found myself making dinner instead of desperately wiggling on my massage chair trying to get all the bad spots and overheating myself to misery on my heating pad, and found my mood lifting back up as I no longer felt the mood crushing effects of my connective tissue burning and aching.

(I'd also carried a heavy backpack to my car, against my better judgment, so my whole upper body was aching too.)

And a good thing, too, because I soon found out that apparently my car insurance has been lapsed for weeks now. It's enough to make me want to work myself into the ground if I have to, just so I have some control over things like that.
I started wondering if maybe I should've pushed harder and tried to do things even if I was feeling super sick, instead of worrying more about taking care of myself at the moment. I tell myself I'm not going back to work because my body just can't take it, I'll just end up sicker. But then stuff like this happens, and I ask myself if maybe I should do it anyhow, because the stress of not knowing if things are being handled as promised is just about as bad...

Of course, then I realize I have been doing the best I can already. It would take too little time to work myself into the ground, not enough time to really make a difference or make it worthwhile, so I better just hang in there for now...

It's okay, I'm still hanging on to my optimism.