Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rollercoaster

How ironic, just as I typed up that title, I remembered I had a dream last night about riding rollercoasters! (Something I don't think I will probably do again, as much as I'd love to, because I used to already feel so sore before I got sick, and between FM and my neck problems, I doubt my doctors would approve.) Man, it was a creative dream...like some kind of reality contest show, and we took a trip to Disneyland, or Knotts Berry Farm or something and all kinds of craziness ensued. My dreams are pretty amazing, the brain is an mysteriously fabulous thing, cuz I can't count the number of times I've woken up thinking, "Wow, that would make an AWESOME movie!"

But I digress.

And now I regress to my point. The rollercoaster day.

Well it started at the bottom. I didn't want to get out of bed. I woke up and my soul felt like something was trying to smother it. It's a feeling like you're suffocating inside. It's hard to explain, but suffice it to say, it is a very, very awful feeling. And it seems to do away with your willpower. I felt okay, but I just had no desire to get anything done, and I ALWAYS have something I want to get done...
If I hadn't woken up with my stomach physically starving, I don't think I would have eaten, I didn't feel like it, I only did to stop the stomach pain.
And like I said, everything is a mess and I feel so overwhelmed. Unlike previously, I know there's nothing to do. It's kind of scary, because it's so desperately awful a feeling, that I want to scream. Maybe like a long-term panic attack maybe? Weeks before my hearing, and I feel like I want to check out, like it's not worth it to battle this same stifling force day in and day out for something that isn't a sure thing. It occurs to me that it would be quite ironic if I left right before my life became worth living, and it makes me laugh, because I feel so cynical and bitter inside. And apathetic. A really awful apathy, so hard to attack & break through. I try and tempt myself with thoughts of productive tasks, but nothing appeals to me. And it's weird, because while I'm trying to think how to make it better, which means finding out what is causing it, well, I think I already know all the causes, and they're all out of my control for now. Also, I know there's no point in reaching out. I've been here before. My mother would end up getting upset with ME for stressing her out, making it all about her, and just all around make things a million times worse. My brother, can never be bothered (I've begged him at times to come spend some time with me when I've been bed-ridden or really down, unsuccessfully) and/or will tell my Mom (of course, leading to a freak out & her calling & yelling at me) and my Dad is too wrapped up in his love-life and avoiding reality, he could barely be bothered to sit with me when I was homebound and bedridden, and he's been pretty much seeing right through me for the last couple of years. (With the exception of when he wanted to use my car to take his "friends" out, and didn't want to take no for an answer.) Friends, don't understand that their bubbly formerly party-loving friend really IS sick, and/or are too busy with their own lives to make the trip. I dare not ask or expect anything from any of them because I already know better, having it thrown in my face would only devestate me more. It's so strange, I've never understood. It's like that song from Grey's Anatomy: "I'd have stayed up with you all night, had I known, how to save a life..." But I really think that's something people only say that when it's too late. To make things worse, I'm not one of those people. I've saved a life. I've kept a friend company for 72 hours straight to make sure she'd be okay before. I don't understand how people can not understand how little it takes. When someone is down, they don't even usually need THAT much attention. Just hang out with them for awhile, make them laugh. Give them a hug. Bring them a wildflower, or Starbucks, lol. (Ok, well not Starbucks for me, can't have caffeine.) Or have dinner with them. Anyhow, I know better than to sit and get more upset because no one cares, cuz it doesn't stop the pain, it just makes it worse.

Finally I remembered a phone call I should make, do that, and got busy sending some faxes, and playing with my MRI scans on the computer. (I made a movie slideshow, and exported them as graphic files, too, woo! But I was still feeling choked and stifled, just going through the motions.

I've been dying to go to the gym for days now...My butt is huger than it's ever been, EVER! I have to admit I'm getting truly overweight. I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder, cuz I've done nothing but eat for days before today. I can't fit into my pants, but can't stop eating. Well, it did help that I realized that Vitamin B-12 makes me ravenous. I thought the hunger felt weird, like some kind of psuedo-hunger, yet not at all like I wanted to eat as a distraction or to cheer myself up.
But, yes, back to the gym. I wanted to go, but I felt like I couldn't make myself.

So desperately, I started looking on YouTube for any Chakra Clearing or Reiki Meditations in hopes of some healing. I burned some sage, to cleanse the space and my chakras...and then I did the Beat Fatigue Yoga DVD, and finally felt reasonably balanced and lighter, clearer. I tooked a nice hot shower, did some dishes (Been putting if off because of my wrist, but hey, my wrist isn't getting any better anyway.) I put away some laundry, too. Wonderful. Feel so much better now. It's a good thing my meds have me falling asleep though, cuz I fear waking up tomorrow to the same thing and might not have gone to sleep for hours...Well wish me luck.

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