Saturday, April 9, 2011

One Month to go...

I can't remember if I posted this before, but I did get my new hearing date, finally. It's in about a month. I can't believe it's really happening. Time is going by so fast, and while I talk about it and the positive outcome I expect often, deep down I'm not sure I believe it is really happening, or maybe it just scares me too much to believe something I've waited so long for is actually happening.

But thank goodness it is, because really, it's the only thing keeping me going. I have to get away, soon, I'm only half exaggerating when I say my sanity is at stake. I desperately need to detach myself from the dysfunction I live amongst.

I was doing well for a good couple of months, I was actually at the point where I was actually feeling happy for the first time in years. Spending a couple of months at my cousin's while she was gone made the holidays a breeze, although someone in my family managed to ruin my birthday, and we didn't really, really celebrate Christmas, but I was too tired to care anyhow.

Then I spent 2-3 months with another family member, and kept seeing a lot of my family, which was great...they even managed to let me feel useful. (Nothing better when you've felt so useless for so long!) It didn't even matter that I was broke, the surroundings of the place was so beautiful and awe-inspiring, just being there was great. Plus, it was nice not to be ignored, to actually have contact with someone all day and have someone to run errands with, and a little furry one to play with, or just laugh at when I had to lie down, and of course the joys of having a DVR at one's disposal...(hehehe)

Yes, it was quite a difference from being at home, alone, pretty much all the time,kept disregarded and separate, just trying to keep from thinking too much, eating too much, and with nothing and no one to distract me from my myriad of symptoms. It was amazing really, what a difference it made. I had to push myself to be around someone 24/7, but sometimes that was a good thing, and I think I became stronger, and it's amazing how much it helps you forget your ailments when you're busy!

Alas, as is typical in my family, the honeymoon never lasts. No matter how much much of myself I give, how hard I try, how well things are going, there's always an irrational blow-up at the end, especially if I'm upset about anything and vulnerable, precisely when I need support is when it all falls apart. ALWAYS.

So I had to go home, permanently. I was having a big increase in pain, and I worked through it, the house had to be clean because we were having company, family from out of the country, so I made myself do it with the help of some pain medicine and a lot of willpower. (Okay, so not all of it, by any means...I got to call in some help...which I'd been begging for for years...and of course cheering me up by having a clean place to stare at isn't as important as impressing ones family...we even got the window coverings I'd quit begging for about 2 years back!) And then I was nervous, because I absolutely HATE being around people I don't know super well when I'm not feeling well...and with me it's always up and down. 1-2 good days, 1 bad, 1 good, 3 bad one day may start out good, and I might be tired after a couple hours, or vice versa...you never know. So anyhow, I had to stick it out, but it all turned out well. I got to see some of my relatives from the other side that were very dear to me, and for once I had someone to share the beauty that exists down here as well.
In the end, I also realized I'd been taking on some emotions that weren't mine, that someone has been feeding my anger and frustration over certain things unrelated to my illness, but nonetheless stressful or poisonous, and that it's probably best the way things have turned out.

So here I am, just trying to lay low, telling myself...Just another couple months...just a couple more months girl, weeks, really, and you can quit just being a virtual girl and return to living...I will go somewhere peaceful where I can replenish my soul, heal the cracks in my heart, and hopefully begin to repair my malfunctioning body. I will begin again, and I will re-emerge with the strength to keep away all those who would hurt me and have the courage to trust that there are those who might not. I'm hanging on for that. And I know there are those who would say I have the power to do all that now...but I don't feel like I do. There are only so many times you can pull a rabbit out of thin air, and I've beyond exhausted those. Finding ways to get things done despite it all can wear you down to nothing when there's no joy or any reward to replenish you. So I have to believe I will have my chance, that things will go my way.

3 comments:

  1. I think you decision is one born out of wisdom. I really think we all have to find a way to get to the best place we can get to and accept.

    I love that you were able to rejuvinate with your family even with the 'stumbles.' Family can be a challenge for all of us. I often wonder if our having ME is harder on them because they are helpless to make us well or they have no clue when or if to help or allow us to help. Such a challenging line to traverse.

    I hope your time laying low replenishes your body enough so you can move forward.

    I also hope you receive a positive outcome from your hearing. That would truly be awesome!

    Hope you are having a better day today. You have a 'new' friend in America who thinks of you often! :-)

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  2. Thanks for the sweet words Dominique :)

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  3. I think you're right about it being hard on family a lot of times. But mostly those who try... you'd think those closest to you would know you well enough to get that if you're not getting something done, it's because you really aren't up for it, and to let you help when you ask to. Not THAT hard when you let them know exactly how you feel.
    Also, there are things they can do...obviously they can't cure you (although when one of them says they know a doctor trying something, and you show interest, it kinda of makes you feel bad when they never do anything about it)and like I said in my newest post, there are always little things...

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