Trying to Live

Well. I finally started feeling better around Friday; not well enough to drive out and see a show I'd have liked not to miss, much less in the seemingly incessant rain we had here in California last week. Saturday, I was determined to get out though, and encouraged by my first real breakfast in a weeks, I set out to do so.

Getting ready to go however, turned out to be a bit more of a taxing enterprise than I'd hoped. I was exhausted by the time I was ready to leave, my back was aching, heart was racing, was out of breath and sweating...but I had to go. (Interstingly enough, I experienced a symptom that I only usually get when I'm not doing good, usually when I've been making myself work and I'm at my limit, and that I had just had validated for the first time Friday night reading about studies being done in NY about Dysautonomias in CFS patients. I just feel like I forget to breathe, as bizarre as that sounds...I'm not sure if that's truly the case, if I'm breathing too shallowly, or what, but I feel like I'm not getting enough air, but I keep forgetting to breathe! I've gone through times where it's been so bad I practically begged my father to bring me an oxygen tank from work...thankfully it was only a brief episode this time.)
I got to my Mom's house, 40 minutes away, ok, but tired. (Driving is soothing to me, really...if gas were free and my neck hadn't started bothering me when I drive, I'd just drive endlessly, perhaps pointlessly, all weekend...)
I'd planned on going out, if only to see and be seen and perhaps do some karaoke for an hour or so, but I never made it. After I'd been there an hour, I found my stomach rebelling, cramping up and churning the mini pizza I'd eaten before leaving. Nothing awful happened, but I definitely ended up feeling sick and weak, but I was just happy to be out of my four walls and at least be around people (my Mom and my brother) sick or not, so I settled in for a night in. I also came prepared with my secret weapon: packets of ginger and honey crystals to mix with water and drink. Works wonders for stomach upsets of any kind...

Sunday, I was still feeling weak and tired, but better...and as long as I kept the ginger drink coming stomach stayed settled. I didn't get out to do any of the shopping I'd planned on, but I made sure and got out to the movies, I just needed something FUN! The movie was wonderful; one of those cool 3-D ones, and although I had trouble getting comfortable, and was definitely a bit tired after 3 hours, it was worth it, and it flew by. I was too tired to drive home, so I stayed another night. Didn't sleep much, and had to leave early. Was feeling feverish with exhaustion by the time I got home. Still, being out and about so early was somehow exhilirating, and I was tempted to do my laundry...however, once my heart started racing I realized how badly I needed to sleep,and how important it was, so I settled down with my kitty for a nap...
(My allergies were strangely at bay today...I even let her wander up to cuddle in the crook of my arm without any ill effects...)

Now I'm bored. I miss the buzz and activity of a busy household. I want to be part of life, instead of sitting here at home watching fake lives on TV...playing virtual games online, typing at people. I want to make new friends to visit and be visited by, and feel like I'm part of life and not that it's passing me by...
Well...at least I'm still pretty tired...I could use the sleep. I just dread waking up early tomorrow, and being stuck here with no way to go anywhere even if I up for it and want to...there are things to be done of course...
Of course, right now, if opportunity presents itself, it seems like such a huge effort, I almost want to hide under the covers it just seems like more than I can pull off, I'm tired off all the effort and think maybe I should just give in to sitting here calmly, mindlessly watching the days go by, and not caring, not trying...not wanting... but eventually I always want, always need to try, it's who I am...that part of me I cannot seem to lose, and I can't decide for the life of me if that's something to be grateful for or if it is just making my life that much harder...