A Stir-Crazy Brain and a Neurotransmitter Shortage

Stir-crazy in the brain. That's how I feel today. I've spent way too much time in my head. I woke up early, having fallen asleep early, for once (early these days meaning about 1am) and with the urge to speak my mind. This may not sound like a bad thing, but, I'm pretty opinionated, and many of my views are not very conservative. (Religion, politics...all stuff for another blog:))

I suddenly felt like my old self, who wasn't afraid to rock the boat and risk upsetting people. BUT, the facts are, I have CFS and a myriad of other chronic disorders, and these isolate me enough as it is. I need everyone I can keep in the boat. I'm a passionate person by nature, so I HATE to have to admit it, but illness and the ensuing poverty have forced me to become more practical.

So I couldn't figure out, why I was running around speaking my mind left and right and risking catastrophe in my fragile little world.

What's more, I'd been exhausted for hours, and I couldn't tear myself away from the computer. I read blogs and Googled until I couldn't think anymore, because my brain, like many a PWC's brain, is quite easily cramped up and burnt out. And then it hit me: I picked up my Sertraline rx today, BUT, I was out of it for a few days (ooh, fun electric-shock sensations and vertigo!) and it appears that its leaving my system was causing me to lose the touch of calm and lack of impulsivity I'd become accustomed to, and which, had probably made my life a bit easier, if a bit boring and unauthentic.

Well, at least now I knew exactly how it's helping the little bit it's helping. Though I can't say it does quite enough for the calmness. Of course, I've been newly nearly bedridden for a week now...which would normally drive me half insane... (No matter how rotten I feel, unless I'm sleeping, or have taken something to knock me out, my brain is ALWAYS going, going, going.) But I've still lost something.

Part of me says it's lack of discipline. Another part of me feels like my spirit is broken and it's enough to manage just to stick around here, and try to stop wanting more than to merely exist. I'm not a quitter. But I'm so worn out! 8 years I've been fighting a war for my life, and I feel like I've lost far too many battles, and the war is just on the edge of being lost. I make goals. I reach them. I fail. Or sometimes I just fail from the start. I can barely keep straight in my head what a realistic goal even is anymore, I feel so overwhelmed, disillusioned, and worn out. And I am one stubborn girl. Or I was.

Some days are almost normal. Good days. I wake up with desire, and a plan. But most days, I just want to keep my brain amused just enough so that my body can rest and not care about a thing else. For awhile there, I was feeling SO overwhelmed by every little thing I was practically paralyzed into uselessness, a 4-letter word in my vocabulary...

It's so strange to think what neurotransmitters can do. 1 pill a day and I can feel like there's a reason to keep living this non-life. Am I tricking myself? It's hard to say. I don't know what the future may bring. But I guess I can see for myself when I get there. That's something, right?

Hmm. I wonder if I dare eat a cookie? I've progressed to Top Ramen fairly well...Maybe I'll try it, and if not, back to applesauce and crackers I go.