Better...

Today was the first good day all week. The only day I haven't felt like jumping out of my skin or screaming in angst & frustration. I got sleepy early (the key being a couple of Benadryl I scrounged up from my overnight case, because I ran out of my usual anti-histamines and was having a full-on allergy attack, teary, itchy eyes, sneezing...in addition to the impending sinus congestion, headache, and asthma attack) and I woke up early, for me. 9am. Yay.

I checked my Facebook, caught up on my apps...Apps that the old me would have previously been tempted to judge anyone for having the time to waste playing...
and then I got some more serious stuff done on a project I've been helping someone with.

My cognitive function has been regressing a bit lately. I am still SO grateful for the improvement of the past year, although I don't know what brought it about; if it was Oxymatrine, Inflatrol (a supplement containing Turmeric, a spice found curry being used in tests to fight Alzheimer's plaques, as well as cardiovascular plaques and fight inflammation, and Ginger, another powerful antioxidant, as well as blood thinning enzymes papain and bromelain, Vitamin C, and Quercetin.) or perhaps just gift of not HAVING to push myself like I had previous to moving here, when it was a matter of life and death (or at least keeping a roof over my head, a few drops of gas in my car, and food in my tummy) or just not having to use the brain power to interact with people... Maybe it's a combination. I don't know what it is, but I am SO grateful, especially when I have a bad day, and I can barely fathom how I lived that way for days, weeks, months on end, barely able to keep a thought in my head, walking around in circles, forgetting, getting confused, and feeling like my brain was cramping up, every little thing taking up so much energy... As long as it's only going backwards a little, and it's only a few really bad days every now and then, I'm cool though.

Ah, sad. The kitty just walked in, and I can tell she wants some attention, but I dare not even pat her with my foot lest it encourage her/kick up dander. Picking up my Elavil rx left me with 2 pennies in my wallet, and I ran out of my anti-histamines. Hopefully tomorrow I can get some. Crazy to think that if I am ever stuck in a small room with cats and no anti-histamines it could be the end of me! Especially since I've had the same cat for 14 years and wasn't allergic to her or any other animal for 12 of those years!

Wow, I'm rambling tonight.

I don't know what is wrong with me! Sometimes I wonder if CFS has damaged some kind of learning mechanism in my brain...or if it's just my innate stubbornness that is causing an inability to adjust... Especially this week, it seems...I can't stop wanting to have a life.
Earlier, after talking to a friend who was going out tonight, I found myself thinking, if only I still lived in L.A., I'd go out too, I want to so badly! I need to find a way to make friends here, find places to go. And then reality sets in. Even if I had the money, well, yesterday I got tired walking from the parking lot to the pharmacy and back and had to lie down in the car before I drove home! Today, I sorted my laundry and had to lie down for half an hour before taking it (in a wheeled cart) to the laundry room. And I realize I've tried that before, when I was healthier probably, and it didn't work so well then! I'd get worn out getting ready to go out. Meeting new people is stressful! And then it's really hard for me to keep up with friendships, which makes it really hard to bond with anyone new.

Long story short, lately it's hard to find hope, because it seems like I've tried anything and everything to make my life better, to get what I need to be happy. And everywhere I've turned I hit a roadblock. I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. I keep salivating thinking I'm gonna get the food, but after years of not getting the food after all, it only lasts a second and then I end up with my tail between my legs because I've been disappointed so many times. Full-time job? Nope, not happening. Legit Part-time job. Nope. School? Uh-uh. Social life? Don't think so.

I swear, I must sound SO negative. And I hate that! I wish I could just be happy lying around not worrying about stuff, most of all, not wanting stuff. But I can't. For long. It's just not me. I want to live. I wanna love. I wanna rock in the city tonight! lol. Sorry, I think that's a song from Live. From the Mental Jewelry Album. (I probably have lyrics wrong, lol. It's the one that says "...he was a rock n roll messiah...")

It's probably hard to tell I had a better day, but I swear I did. I felt calm and okay all day...not till night I started getting a bit frustrated. I'm grateful for the peace though. Night meds are kicking in...Kitty's made herself a little nest in my bed, now I have to figure out how to tell her it's not happening...Imagine if your cat that you'd slept with all your life came up to you and said, "Sorry sweetie, but immune system is all whacked out and I'm allergic to you now"! Well, it could be worse I guess, at least I can keep her around...with a steady supply of higher-than-the-recommended-dosage anti-histamines that is!