Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On NOT Living

Music used to be a passion of mine. More perhaps, the oil that kept me greased and running, that fueled me in a million small ways, barely perceptible from the outside. It got me going in the mornings, inspired me on long drives, was the soundtrack to passion and love and heartbreak, to every important memory...

I hardly listen to it anymore. I have to go out of my way. I tell myself it's because of the cashflow issue getting sick has bred, just now I was listening to something I hadn't heard in awhile, and I realized maybe it's not.

See, music affects me very deeply, always has. I've escaped, drowned, reveled in the lyrics and melodies. I used to work at the college library and I remember walking around shelving books, playing an entire album back in my head in order... I listen, and I don't just think, oh cool sound. It fills my very soul and moves me some way or another. I may think, I want to dance, and find it hard to restrain myself from doing a little boogie. Or I may identify with the lyrics and feel compelled to learn every last word, and become lost in thought. It was like my lifeblood in a way.

So I'm listening now, I hear the lyrics and the rhythm and I get tears in my eyes listening to the stories the singer tells, the life snapshots in his lyrics, in his tone and inflection. And it makes me desperately want to live. It reminds me of all the potential I had, have, trapped in this defective body. It makes me want to LIVE so badly, not just be alive like I am now, but to LIVE like I always did before...taking the bull by the horns, seeing and doing, and to experiencing...being around people and loving and vibing and feeling and just BEING part of the world, a world, something. And I feel so full of angst because I can't. It makes my head want to explode... I try and think of things I could do, but reality is far clearer now than it ever has been before, and it is ugly...but I also have a sneaking suspicion that if the right circumstances presented themselves, maybe I could live again, the way I was meant to...but it's too hard to even hope.
I feel hopelessly tangled and clogged inside, and I can't seem to clear the cobwebs away to find it within myself to overcome it.

Every thing is so hard and I'm so tired of trying so hard and for so long. I don't mean to sound dark...that's not what this is at all. I will keep going, no doubt about that, as long as I can keep the tiny glimmer of hope that I have locked away far, far, deep within, I will try and believe there's a reason to hang in. I have at least a couple of years left in me I think, before my spark is completely extinguished...I've resolved to give it that long simply because I've known that's how long I might have to wait, so it seems childish to give up now...

Sometimes I think I'm silly to hope anything else good could happen that would end that timeline, and bring happiness sooner. Something good. But recently I've hoped...and honestly, I'm getting tired of hoping, and I kind of want to just withdraw back into my cocoon and hide and wait till the storm has passed and the sun begins to show again...But I seem to lose more and more of who I was each day I do...I feel like I'm regressing in so many ways, unlearning, some things that were things I wanted to be and learned to practice, other things unbidden, so much so that I sometimes wonder if my brain really is being slowly damaged...Some people say illness has made the more compassionate people, better people. For me, I sometimes think it has worked the opposite. With attention span and memory sometimes go thoughtfulness, tact, consideration, even politeness, sometimes, all once treasured qualities. Always hardship and never any reward. It's too hard. Not to say I'm not grateful for what I do have, and the small graces bestowed upon me on occasion...But it's just not enough to balance it out. I need something to balance it out. It's not just my body that's ailing, failing me. It's my soul. It wants to live. And love. And begin to learn again...

What a mindf@$# this all is...

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you are in a really bad moment. I will be thinking of your and hope you are met with a better day tomorrow.

    Please hang in there....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for the kind thoughts, I think they helped because it was!

    ReplyDelete

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