Feverish Ramblings

Well. I hope everyone had a Happy 4th of July! Myself, I had hoped to get down to the beach (a 15 minute drive that I usually don't have the gas to spare for, so a treat!) to see the amazing fireworks (from a picturesque little cove, waching the pyrotechnics reflected over & over in the waters, and the smoke gathering like in the canon fight in Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland) but I've spent most of the week nursing a fever. Low grade, only a couple of degrees mostly, but enough to make me nice & uncomfortable, alternating between either uncomfortably warm, or unreasonably chilled. Fun times.

On the other hand, maybe this is a good thing? I've been taking two immune modulating supplements called Inosine and Samento. For awhile there, I kept running out of one or the other, so last week when I got them both, I thought I'd be feeling better, but...nope. My suspicion and hope is that maybe the fever is a sign that they are working, that they've weighed heavily enough on the correct side of the seesaw that is my unbalanced immune system and the fever is, a sign that, as my doctor described, "the heavy artillery" are being ordered out to slaughter the infections causing such grief.  (I guess I should note that I also added some Anise Seed and Hyssop, the first for it's properties as a nerve tonic, and the second for it's anti-viral and stomach-soothing properties now that I think of it, maybe they are what finally tipped the scale?)

The bummer is, that I had A LOT planned for this week. An entire College-Ruled notebook page full. The first day, I really needed to go out and get food and load my monthly allowance from the county onto my Debit Card so I could at least pay bills online and reserve my storage and PO Box, plus get some food, and it was an interesting experience walking around the grocery store feverish and on pain medication, made me very jumpy, but I got it done. I was also having a lot of nerve pain, that scorpion-like sheath feeling on my c-spine, pain in the back of my leg and down to my right heel. The next day that was all gone though, and I found myself regretting the thought the day before when I was surprised that my stomach wasn't acting up at all...Severe cramping & discomfort along with the usual nausea and queasiness. And still needed to take acetominophen every 4-6 hours to keep the fever from going up. (Like it did Monday night; last time I had fever that bad was a few years ago when I had a kidney infection; it's hard to describe, this awful desperate feeling that makes you toss and turn without knowing why or being able to put your finger on what exactly is wrong; like a prelude to delirium, my brain started to feel odd and I wondered if I'd be able to get myself to the hospital, because come on, who calls 911 for a fever, right? Thankfully, I guess the acetominophen kicked in shortly after, and I suddenly felt calm and able to breathe, and my head didn't feel so tight, I guess the thermostat being turned down, haha.)

But yeah, what a pain in the butt! Any exertion and I'd start feeling feverish again. (Even being on the computer too long.) And now, I'm out of Inosine again, Samento is on it's way to being gone, and I just want to scream (because when I run out I also get sick, mostly stomach stuff). And I probably have to move next week. Also, I'd spent the weekend convincing myself that my cousin might get what she hoped for, and we would have a blast if I went to visit with her for a bit, because truth be told, I'm terrified that not only will I NOT be up for doing anything fun, but I'll be a crappy guest, and they'll end up not liking me. I mean, who am I kidding, I could barely keep up with the people helping me do my laundry and pack last week...I'd feel bad watching people do dishes & such and not helping, but there's a reason I needed help getting my own done...I get so exhausted being around people and trying to pretend to be well and not feel bad or awkward for having to sit or rest, I hate having people watching when I get up all stiff like an old lady. Have having to excuse myself to go lie down, hate this all. I wish I had the money to just go off to South America, rent a place to rest and be alone and maybe get a little better so I can deal with being around people better... $300 a month apparently is what it takes. I hate this situation. My brother offered to let me stay at his & his roommate's place, but only for a couple of weeks, not sure what difference that would make...(Well, maybe an airline ticket to get me further, got miles coming, but, I need cash, too...) I know this probably sounds crazy, maybe it's the control freak in me, or too many neuroses...sometimes I think this illness is also severely putting a cramp in my ability to not appear as crazy as I am, haha!

I wish I could go stay at a hospital somewhere, like when they sent chronically ill people or people with TB to sanatoriums in Switzerland or in warm climates back in the day to convalesce...don't they have those anymore? I'm pretty fearless, still, I don't mind going to a foreign country, but I'd prefer to have some extra cash considering how not well I am...I don't think I'm being pessimistic when I fear that I won't do well after the plane trip and need to stay in a hotel for a day or two or there before proceeding to find transportation to my destination... Maybe I don't have anything to lose, it can't be worse than staying here, spending what little money I have on motel rooms and ending up sleeping in my car and getting sicker...Back again to the conclusion, I just need to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. There's nothing for me if I stay, even if I found a place, it's not worth the misery, and I want to get away from the dysfunction...