Blues Night

Hi Everyone.
Truth be told, overall, things have felt better lately than they have in a long time. (I know, why don't I blog when I'm feeling like THAT? lol.) But tonight, to be honest, I've got a case of the blues. I think I watched too much reality TV today. It was no use, I wasn't feeling well. I think I did too much the last couple of days. I've been fighting an infection all last week, barely made my outing to the County Fair Friday, then spent Saturday pushing mentally and physically cleaning as much as I could for a visit from my brother and his girlfriend that never happened.

Getting up was excruciating, as it has been most of the week; pain, stiffness, and the vice-like head rushes from low orthostatic blood pressure that seem to come on worse any time I'm fighting an infection requiring antibiotics...(Thursday I had one so bad it made me nauseous, not sure that's ever happened before.)

Plus, before I got up I got the news that all my effort the day before had been for nothing. I've always been a planner, and things like that have always irked me, but it's even worse now, because it takes extra effort to psych myself up to do something as hard as cleaning is for me, and for pushing myself to prepare and be a good hostess and ignore any discomfort or fatigue...I concentrate on the good and end up looking forward to the visit so much...and then, poof. My bubble gets burst.

Honestly, after I got up, even after getting dressed and going to the store (if I'm going to feel okay, going out usually gets me functioning) but when I got back all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and curl up, pulling the sheets up to my chinny-chin-chin...

So that's how I ended up watching all the Reality TV I once scorned. Lately, I've found it entertaining, I guess living the life I can't have vicariously through some silly but lucky celebutant-ites can be amusing. But now I suddenly feel blue and dissatisfied, because somehow, I started envying them their jobs, travels, sisterly and relationship issues. Somewhere along the way I forgot that the sky is no longer the limit for me, and that I can't do anything I want just by setting my mind to it anymore. (Don't try and tell me otherwise. I'm a stubborn, determined girl, if that was enough I wouldn't be writing this. I believe I have a different lesson to learn, perhaps patience, so I'm trying to take that route for now. Plus I'm tired in more ways than I can count of attempting to defy my limitations and failing miserably again and again.)

Truly, this week has been rough. I've been reminded that a pretty simple infection takes a huge toll on me. I find the fear creeping up on me that maybe stopping the Epivir was a bad idea, and left wondering, what if this is just the beginning of another era like last year's, where I suffer from infection after infection, getting weaker and sicker, feeling more alone and depressed, and less able to take care of the little things bits of daily life, that keep my need to be around people, and feel slightly productive fed and happy.

Which reminds me of an article I just found posted on the NFA Facebook page about Control, and how these illnesses take away your control, and if you can find something to control, you will feel better. Truly, it feels like there's nothing left I can control, and while that advice sounded really good at the time, I am reminded of another bit of wisdom: control is an illusion. I think at the moment I feel a bit freer reminding myself of the truth in that, and letting go...