Hi Everyone.
Truth be told, overall, things have felt better lately than they have in a long time. (I know, why don't I blog when I'm feeling like THAT? lol.) But tonight, to be honest, I've got a case of the blues. I think I watched too much reality TV today. It was no use, I wasn't feeling well. I think I did too much the last couple of days. I've been fighting an infection all last week, barely made my outing to the County Fair Friday, then spent Saturday pushing mentally and physically cleaning as much as I could for a visit from my brother and his girlfriend that never happened.
Getting up was excruciating, as it has been most of the week; pain, stiffness, and the vice-like head rushes from low orthostatic blood pressure that seem to come on worse any time I'm fighting an infection requiring antibiotics...(Thursday I had one so bad it made me nauseous, not sure that's ever happened before.)
Plus, before I got up I got the news that all my effort the day before had been for nothing. I've always been a planner, and things like that have always irked me, but it's even worse now, because it takes extra effort to psych myself up to do something as hard as cleaning is for me, and for pushing myself to prepare and be a good hostess and ignore any discomfort or fatigue...I concentrate on the good and end up looking forward to the visit so much...and then, poof. My bubble gets burst.
Honestly, after I got up, even after getting dressed and going to the store (if I'm going to feel okay, going out usually gets me functioning) but when I got back all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and curl up, pulling the sheets up to my chinny-chin-chin...
So that's how I ended up watching all the Reality TV I once scorned. Lately, I've found it entertaining, I guess living the life I can't have vicariously through some silly but lucky celebutant-ites can be amusing. But now I suddenly feel blue and dissatisfied, because somehow, I started envying them their jobs, travels, sisterly and relationship issues. Somewhere along the way I forgot that the sky is no longer the limit for me, and that I can't do anything I want just by setting my mind to it anymore. (Don't try and tell me otherwise. I'm a stubborn, determined girl, if that was enough I wouldn't be writing this. I believe I have a different lesson to learn, perhaps patience, so I'm trying to take that route for now. Plus I'm tired in more ways than I can count of attempting to defy my limitations and failing miserably again and again.)
Truly, this week has been rough. I've been reminded that a pretty simple infection takes a huge toll on me. I find the fear creeping up on me that maybe stopping the Epivir was a bad idea, and left wondering, what if this is just the beginning of another era like last year's, where I suffer from infection after infection, getting weaker and sicker, feeling more alone and depressed, and less able to take care of the little things bits of daily life, that keep my need to be around people, and feel slightly productive fed and happy.
Which reminds me of an article I just found posted on the NFA Facebook page about Control, and how these illnesses take away your control, and if you can find something to control, you will feel better. Truly, it feels like there's nothing left I can control, and while that advice sounded really good at the time, I am reminded of another bit of wisdom: control is an illusion. I think at the moment I feel a bit freer reminding myself of the truth in that, and letting go...
Showing posts with label beating the blues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beating the blues. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Christmas & Stuff
Well. I made it through Christmas. It was actually the best one I've had in years. Got my wish. Did the Christmas Eve thing, as is traditional in my mostly Latin family. Got to see people dear to me that I hadn't seen in years, mostly because I couldn't afford the gas money, am not big on the phone, and was a little embarassed about the state of my life. (Which yes, is not really my fault, but I struggle a lot with guilt, a little voice inside that insists I must have screwed up somehow, even though I've done everything I possibly could to keep my life from turning into a shambles as I fight for my Disability Insurance.)
It just went to remind me yet again of that phrase I read in a book recently, about how when you can't work, your life becomes about relationships. And yes, many times, I've lain in bed, or sat, depressed, musing about how much more bearable my life would be if I just had more people I was close to in it, if my friends or family members would stop by and visit, even if I couldn't entertain them, if I just had people who cared enough to stop by and keep me company, get me out of my head for a bit.
But I always thought it would be hard for me to have people around when I wasn't feeling well; I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I like things just so; above all, I like people to think I'm fun, and I always dreamed of the chance to be a great hostess. How can I be fun or a good hostess lying on the couch or in bed?
I got a glimpse of what it would be like on Thanksgiving. I'd spent the morning tidying up, & finishing up my cooking, (trying not to chop my fingers off as my grandmother insisted on talking to me while I did it, and I couldn't think how to politely tell her in Spanish that I have a really hard time multi-tasking these days, lol) and by the time I started getting ready, I was exhausted. By the time my brother and his girlfriend showed up, I could barely breathe, my back hurt so much, and I knew I had to get the heating pad on it, and lie down, quick, before things got out of control.
So I invited them into my room, where I made myself comfortable on the bed & applied the heat, offered them seats, and chatted for a bit. It was actually really nice! Kept me from thinking about the pain so much, and probably, stressing about whether I'd screwed up and tired myself out too much to make it to Thanksgiving.
So then I realized, Hey, maybe I don't have to be buzzing around like a bee offering food & drink and fussing over people, maybe it IS okay to just be. That was a pretty cool realization.
So I didn't care if I was getting tired, my fog was driving me nuts making me feel like I had ADD, it was just nice to be around warm, happy, fun people, and best of all, I think they were really happy to see ME. That was the best gift. I was afraid people would be hurt or upset with me, but no such thing. And when I got asked the dreaded questions about what was new w/me & things like that...well I managed to not blurt out any portion of my whole pathetic sob story, and even though the fog kept me from coming up with anything smart or even tactful to say, it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't even remember to ask what was new with them, but it seemed okay.
(I probably stress more than most people about the little things!)
I was good blues-wise for about 2 days just on the good vibes :)
I know it will help so much if I could just get out more and overcome the isolation I've been helping to perpetrate, but it's so hard sometimes. If it's not you, it's people.
I think that may be Resolution #1 for the New Year. Sounds easy, right? It's not though! I've discussed this in support groups before, and a lot of us have the same problems. You never know how you're going to feel. Things that are totally no sweat for normal people can be a big deal, and you don't want to sound like a baby. (I went out the other night with a friend, and they were walking too fast, and in the cold I was having an even harder time than usual, so I asked them to slow down. No big deal, because they had FM too, but if they hadn't, I would fully have expected to be made fun of.)
The other great Christmas present I got (other than money towards my medical bills!) was that I got the YMCA Scholarship I needed to go work out at their gym. My lower leg muscles feel like they're wasting away! (And the upper ones getting humongous! Not w/muscle though!) So I really need to get on that. Resolution #2...
But that's another post. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and if it was as tough on you as it was for me (which I think it was for many people, even those w/o chronic illnesses) just know that a New Year starts this week and things can get better.
It just went to remind me yet again of that phrase I read in a book recently, about how when you can't work, your life becomes about relationships. And yes, many times, I've lain in bed, or sat, depressed, musing about how much more bearable my life would be if I just had more people I was close to in it, if my friends or family members would stop by and visit, even if I couldn't entertain them, if I just had people who cared enough to stop by and keep me company, get me out of my head for a bit.
But I always thought it would be hard for me to have people around when I wasn't feeling well; I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I like things just so; above all, I like people to think I'm fun, and I always dreamed of the chance to be a great hostess. How can I be fun or a good hostess lying on the couch or in bed?
I got a glimpse of what it would be like on Thanksgiving. I'd spent the morning tidying up, & finishing up my cooking, (trying not to chop my fingers off as my grandmother insisted on talking to me while I did it, and I couldn't think how to politely tell her in Spanish that I have a really hard time multi-tasking these days, lol) and by the time I started getting ready, I was exhausted. By the time my brother and his girlfriend showed up, I could barely breathe, my back hurt so much, and I knew I had to get the heating pad on it, and lie down, quick, before things got out of control.
So I invited them into my room, where I made myself comfortable on the bed & applied the heat, offered them seats, and chatted for a bit. It was actually really nice! Kept me from thinking about the pain so much, and probably, stressing about whether I'd screwed up and tired myself out too much to make it to Thanksgiving.
So then I realized, Hey, maybe I don't have to be buzzing around like a bee offering food & drink and fussing over people, maybe it IS okay to just be. That was a pretty cool realization.
So I didn't care if I was getting tired, my fog was driving me nuts making me feel like I had ADD, it was just nice to be around warm, happy, fun people, and best of all, I think they were really happy to see ME. That was the best gift. I was afraid people would be hurt or upset with me, but no such thing. And when I got asked the dreaded questions about what was new w/me & things like that...well I managed to not blurt out any portion of my whole pathetic sob story, and even though the fog kept me from coming up with anything smart or even tactful to say, it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't even remember to ask what was new with them, but it seemed okay.
(I probably stress more than most people about the little things!)
I was good blues-wise for about 2 days just on the good vibes :)
I know it will help so much if I could just get out more and overcome the isolation I've been helping to perpetrate, but it's so hard sometimes. If it's not you, it's people.
I think that may be Resolution #1 for the New Year. Sounds easy, right? It's not though! I've discussed this in support groups before, and a lot of us have the same problems. You never know how you're going to feel. Things that are totally no sweat for normal people can be a big deal, and you don't want to sound like a baby. (I went out the other night with a friend, and they were walking too fast, and in the cold I was having an even harder time than usual, so I asked them to slow down. No big deal, because they had FM too, but if they hadn't, I would fully have expected to be made fun of.)
The other great Christmas present I got (other than money towards my medical bills!) was that I got the YMCA Scholarship I needed to go work out at their gym. My lower leg muscles feel like they're wasting away! (And the upper ones getting humongous! Not w/muscle though!) So I really need to get on that. Resolution #2...
But that's another post. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and if it was as tough on you as it was for me (which I think it was for many people, even those w/o chronic illnesses) just know that a New Year starts this week and things can get better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)