Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Better

Okay, well things are back to normal now. Well close to how they were before the infection that caused my symptoms to go haywire, anyhow!

It's a scary, scary thing being bed-ridden and feeling alone. Personally, it drives me nuts. There's not really anyone to talk to. Some friends are bored with or don't believe in my health struggles (that's what I get for successfully pulling off normal, lol). Any other ones I don't want to risk alienating. My Dad, who I live with, I guess is so used to seeing me in bed, he doesn't get that I'm really, really not doing well, and that I might need help with day to day things, like eating perhaps. Calling out for my Mommy (hehe, no I don't really call her that) is futile, since she and Dad are getting divorced and she'd only come see me here if it was a matter of life and death...(I think she'd come then? lol)and she gets more hysterical than I anytime I try and reach out to her in a crisis. As for my "little" brother, he can't be bothered. Last year I was bedridden for about 6 weeks with the same issues and was very depressed, because I'd been doing REALLY well for a couple of months (the higher you climb the harder you fall) and I practically begged, and he still couldn't make the 40 minute drive, even with a new car...

Anyways, it's over now. I can stand without nearly passing out and having my head squeezed in vicelike fashion. Heart's quit racing and beating erratically. Hand and feet aren't getting icy cold or numb, not out of breath and uncomfortable. Just a bit more tired than before.

School started. I had registered for two classes, then decided only to start back with one. I decided to go to both to check out the vibe & see which I liked best. I usually do better at night, and the class was from 7 - 9:50, but I was exhausted afterwards! I went home & went to bed early and slept past noon the next day, and was still tired.

The next class was today, but as I sat and skimmed through the class syllabus I realized maybe I'd do better to hold off on school for now.

I'm in no condition to handle another failure right now, or to be stressed in any way. (It's taken me most of Spring and Summer to get my stress levels a bit more stable.) Plus, over the weekend I was reading a book and discovered a thirst for spiritual practice, healing and inspiration that I believe will help me heal if I heed it. (No, I didn't find religion, can't stand the stuff. But meditating, positive thinking, a community of like-minded people who share good moral values, that I can handle.)
I realized just trying to make it to some of those events and meetings will take about all I can give right now, and eventually make me more ready to handle school again.
Plus, I have a stubborn, hopeful suspicion that my Disability case will be decided, in the affirmative, soon. Then I can really undertake the holistic/spiritual path to healing I am confident will help greatly. (I sit and fantasize about lots of Reiki Treatments, a good holistic doctor, an energy psychiatrist to guide me, massages, Gentle Yoga classes, and muscle testing my allergies away...ahhh.) Ommmmmmmm...

Getting sleepy now, going to take advantage of NOT being at school and nap!

Oh, and I decided to start the Epivir and Tagamet again, will see how that goes...

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