What keeps you going?

Okay.
So I just had a mini meltdown.
After bursting into tears while talking to a rather insensitive, self-important doctor who told me some people live with this for 20 years...

I won't be one of those people. Not the way my life is going now.

I really don't have anything to keep me going.

As I see it, I'm running on a whole lot of stubbornness, and a bit of hope.

What else should there be to keep me going? Don't tell me my religion, because I don't believe in it. It doesn't make sense, causes lots of wars, murder, prejudice, and fighting. I've studied many different religions, so I know what I'm talking about. It just doesn't work for me. It's occurred to me that perhaps, I could be being punished for this belief, but then I remember that in my 17 years as a devout Catholic who would go to mass on Sunday and jerk awake with a start if I dared fall asleep w/o praying, bad things still happened. Plus, it doesn't go along with how religion supposedly works.

I guess there's a wee bit of faith thrown in w/the hope. I have faith that there must be a reason for this. Maybe I even chose this life myself, to learn some particular lesson. So what if I Kevorkianed myself and found out I had just totally sabotaged my own plan? lol.
On the other hand, I COULD find out it was all a game; me and a couple other souls just messing around to see who could stand it the longest? lol. 50-50 chance, really. I'm already in my own personally customized hell as far as I'm concerned, so...

I guess I'll give it a couple of years. My hopes are mainly pinned on my Social Security benefits outcome. The retroactive money, plus benefits I'd be entitled to, would again allow me to live a somewhat normal, self-sufficient life, the money, possibly even allow me to get well, or at least better, there's no doubt in my mind about that...
Plus continual financial stress of the last couple of years would finally be gone, long enough, hopefully, for me to find a way to get on my feet, and I could go back to having a normal life, filled with great people to care about and be cared for, hopefully, some pint-sized. Being attractive is just another cruel joke piled on top, after all, if you never get out...