Gratefulness and Acceptance

Well. So today has been a far better day. I stayed up late last night, enjoying chatting with friends online and playing on one of Facebook's fabulous apps. (I am so grateful for the Internet...I'm not sure what I would've done in the years since I got sick, if it hadn't been for the wonderful people I've met online who have given me the love and support that I haven't always been able to get from my offline friends and family. Seriously. (Although some of them are friends and family as well, love you guys!)

So anyways, today I let myself sleep in. The days have cooled off a bit this week, and this morning felt like heaven, I just stretched all over my nice cool sheets and decided to stay in bed as long as I wanted. When I finally did wake up, I felt surprisingly rested and peaceful. I didn't feel fabulous, but it didn't phase me. It was quite surprising, as I went about my business feeling breezy and relaxed. (The only thing I've done differently, is that I took a supplement called Vinpocetine, which I'd originally bought to try and combat the cognitive dysfunction I suffer from; it didn't seem to help, but it came to my attention that it could possibly be helpful with the Orthostatic Hypotension, by increasing blood flow to the brain. Sounds good, right?)

I had a nice comment from one of those friends who I actually know in person, but who has been an endless source of support and kindness and whom I keep in touch with mostly online, and she spoke of "accepting where you are", which reminded me of a quote from Laurie Edwards (author of Living with Chronic Illness in Your 20s and 30s)that said just about the same thing.

It helped when I read it, but this week...well, I just started seeing things as longer term. For example, I've been sick for a month straight now...Haven't been able to accomplish much of anything, and it was driving me insane yesterday. I kept thinking how it seemed like it would never end, and the fear snuck in that things might continue this way...I began to think that in general, the last years, nothing I try works out. Working, going to school, working from home, dating...
I keep fighting, and I have so much anger inside sometimes...
Today though, reading what my friend wrote, and thinking of all that, I remembered a therapy session where my counselor made a metaphor of my coping style with someone trying to dig a hole to China, lol. I wasn't getting anywhere, so maybe it was time to stop working so hard, digging myself a deeper hole, lol.

Lately, I've felt driven to just giving up. I've been feeling like every single day is such a battle, just to get through...even w/o getting anything significant done. I keep thinking, maybe I should just give up and stay in bed all day, not try and do anything at all. Well, yeah, that may be a slight exaggeration, but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea?

Stop worrying about time slipping through my hands, not accomplishing anything that I wanted, stop being so angry, stop stressing...maybe that's what I need to do now.

Anyhow, that heavenly state I was in didn't last. I'm in pain again. It's definitely a UTI, and I have no money for an analgesic from the drugstore, or to go to the doctor. But I'm not that stressed, and I am still SO grateful for my morning of peace and relaxation.