Coping, Acceptance, and Dating

I am utterly exhausted. A problem I have, is I have a very active mind. I raised myself with the philosophy of living life to the fullest...nothing makes me happier than a productive day, working, playing, whatever, as long as I feel accomplished. I can't seem to get rid of that notion, it seems to be an integral part of who I am.
I remember a few years back, when I'd only been sick for awhile, having a summer when I was trying a new treatment, had just recently stopped working full-time, and I was so exhausted from the moment I got up...that all I could manage was to move myself to different upright positions around the apartment. From bed, to my futon. Once I was fully awake, to my computer chair, once my knees started hurting, outside to the balcony onto a chair with a leg rest...back to bed, and so on. All the while I was thinking, planning, brainstorming for ways I could manage to work at home successfully. I was confident I could do it, once I had the energy. My last job had allowed me the freedom to wear many hats, and despite having my brain so burnt out I couldn't concentrate or remember enough to be of any use by the time I went on sick leave, it had given me to the confidence to know that I could do anything I set my mind to. So I planned, & plotted. And waited.

These days, I just don't know anymore... I still have ideas...I just can't seem to set them in motion. When I've come close, I've worn myself out...
The problem I face these days is, that I never can tell how I'm going to feel. I beat myself up mentally, telling myself I'm just not trying hard enough, not getting organized enough, not planning well enough, not pushing hard enough. And then I have a day like today. I sat for awhile to allow my body and blood pressure to adjust. Had breakfast. Checked my e-mail and Facebook. I'm still having unexplained pain (I can't figure out if it's a UTI, or the Endometriosis acting up) in my lower abdomen, which gets worse if I have my knees up in a reclined position, so I gave up on the gym, as the only cardio I can do right now is the recumbent bike (treadmill hurts my ridiculously sensitive feet, plus would allow blood to pool in my legs, if I'm already feeling sick (POTS) then that would not seem like a smart idea...eliptical trainer is out too as the up and down motion seems to aggravate that as well).

So I decided to just try putting my feet up against the wall while lying down, to get the blood out of my legs and back up to my upper body/brain. That seemed to help. So I tidied up around my home, mostly just put things away or in the trash, which consisted of picking up something in one room, taking it to the other room, forgetting why I was there or why I'd picked something up, where I wanted to put it, and repeating with different things in different rooms. Then I'd start to feel sick. I'd sit down for a bit, then get up and start doing things again. Then sit. Check my mail, because my mind was too restless to just sit and watch TV, and my lower abdomen hurt lying down in the recliner, and there was nothing in my bedroom to keep my mind occupied...I made progress though.
Finally, I made it to the bane of my existence. Clothes in my room I'd repeatedly put on my bed to try and fold and put away, but that I'd repeatedly ended up not doing for about two weeks. This is where the guilt and self-reproach comes in.
Until, finally, I'm almost done folding, and I find that my back is killing me, I'm out of breath, and I feel like I need to lie down NOW, and I struggle to finish, but I do, and then I lie down. I don't lie down for long, my mind gets bored. But the fatigue is overwhelming. I'm exhausted, and on the one hand I can't believe it, while on the other hand it suddenly makes sense why I hadn't gotten it done. Maybe I wasn't being a wimp? All the while my conscious mind refused to admit that it knew this was why, my subconscious still believes I am a normal person, that it shouldn't be such a big deal. And this is the dilemma I find myself in. This is the battle I find myself exasperatedly fighting day after day.
It occurs to me that something is wrong with me. That after 7 years of dealing with these health issues, I should have adjusted. I shouldn't feel guilty, I shouldn't be questioning myself, or caring what others think of me. But I haven't, at least, not completely, and I don't understand why or how to fix it.
I'm a problem solver, a fixer, but I can't fix this.
I'm stuck. No matter what plan I come up with, it backfires, because the plan must be different every day. Some days I push, and I reap the rewards. The very next day, pushing might prove to be the completely wrong choice.

I drop myself into the computer chair. I can barely hold myself up, but I need a distraction to stop myself from thinking myself into a scream of frustration.
My phone goes off, and I have a message from a guy I've been talking to, dating being part of my latest plan to make my life worth living again. He's wondering where I've been, if I got his message. I try to think of an answer other than being sick, and I end up overwhelmed and I can't bring myself to check his msg online. I don't want to scare him away, it's not time to risk it yet.
But it all shouldn't be this hard, should it?