Waxing and Waning

...is the name of the game.

So maybe I did jinx things by putting in print that I've been basically content and things were at least feeling up...
Or maybe it's just my darn girly hormones messing with me. The timing is right. Just out of the blue I just started feeling my mood go down suddenly, like being on an elevator w/the bottom cut out. Suddenly halfway down the well and flailing for something to hang onto. It's not pitch black but I still now I need to find something. (Don't worry, today I've found a ledge and I'm resting comfortably.)

My physical symptoms have been waxing & waning too. At the beginning of the week, I was having some mean head-rushes, newly combined with jelly legs, and of the variety that threaten headaches if they persist.

That's better, but last night I didn't realize I'd run out of Metoprolol in my nighttime pill organizer (I was forgetting what I'd just taken wayyyy too often.) and ended up sleeping fitfully for only a couple of hours before getting up at 7:30am, trying again, rinsing, repeating, and giving up on sleep. Only to realize around noon that the first time I woke up it was my heartbeat misbehaving that woke me. (It was misbehaving again at the time.) The reason I'd done nothing about it at 7 was that I had been sure I'd taken it, the pill organizer was all set up. But now I remembered that I'd run out of my rx, and hadn't had enough to put it in the last couple of slots, Friday & Saturday Day. I checked to see if I had any in there for the morning, and nope...Yup, must've taken the last one yesterday morning or Wednesday night. Grrrrrrr.

I guess I should feel lucky at least I found a doctor who knew this was a thing w/CFS and that I wasn't as crazy as some of the other docs sometimes make me feel, and that he actually prescribed me something to help, cuz I was sinking fast before beginning the Metoprolol. Spending far too much time in bed, and just plain trying to distract myself from my racing heart (if it was slow enough to allow it). It doesn't completely stop it, and now, the day I miss a dose I can usually count on my heart wigging out at full speed on a race to nowhere. But still it's been a lot better, and I'm grateful.

Lethargy. I guess that's the best word for what's kept ne from calling UC Irvine to further investigate their ALS/Neuromuscular Disorder Clinic to find out if they do indeed have the type of testing I'd like done on my Autonomic Function.
Since I still feel some level of sickness caused by what I belive is Dysautonomia on a daily basis, even when Tachycardia is under control, I really feel it's important to my Disability case to have these darn tests done (In the case of the tilt-table test, RE-done, AND interpreted by someone who knows how!) it should be a top priority. Ah, I think seeing THAT in print may have just been the thing to make me truly understand that! (As well as the lovely episode of nonsensical feeling hot, breaking into a cold sweat and feeling weak, nauseous, and really, really ill I had earlier today!)

The other thing of consequence (cuz, yes, my laundry is of consequence, cuz I have nothing (much less anything cute) left to wear but whatever I slept in, is getting my butt on the waiting list at some of the affordable housing apartment buildings around here, which are actually pretty nice!
Of less immediate urgence, but still with the potential to have a high impact on my happiness, health, and sanity in the not so far off future.

I think a lot of the time now...well, it's been so long that it's seemed like no matter what I do right, how I prepare, try to plan, find ways to move forward, I can't get there...I kind of feel like it's pointless. My life has been on some type of hold for 7 years now. Almost total hold for the past two.
I've had to let go to survive and stay sane. So I'm not as on top of things as I once was, and that's frustrating on the days I care, and as I've mentioned before, I have trouble deciding if it's for the best or a sign of an impending depression sneaking up to envelope me...but as I just said, it's a necessary conecssion for sanity, so I guess there's my answer.

Did I mention I'm starving? Sharing that is my way of excusing the perceived previous rambling. I had a yummy shredded carrot/ginger/lemon concoction with some Young Coconut Kefir pudding a couple hours ago, but I'm starving and so tired of chopping and cooking veggies. Microwave baked potato to the rescue! Here I come!