Well. Today definitely had some rough patches. I've been having that thing happen again where I wake up and can't stay awake, I have to summon all my willpower to try and prop myself up to a semi-sitting position, or else I fall back asleep so deeply it's like I've lost consciousness, and in fact, I've often debated whether or not I actually do. So that's annoying and been going on for a week or two I think. Usually not a good sign, it's happened in the past when I'm really not doing well, or on my way there.
Worse, usually even if I'm down in the dumps the night before, I wake up okay. I dunno, might it was that I had to answer a call from the doctor right after waking up, pushing me right into overdrive mode. No chiropractor after all this Friday, cancelled, it's a holiday. And I'd realized I had another missed call from them, the transcript of which I didn't understand, so I had to talk to that person too. Which reminds me, I have another phone call, another appointment to make, ugh. Oh, right I'd forgotten. Also an e-mail saying my Internet charge didn't go through, and not a penny more coming in...
So I was grumpy and trying to get ready without stressing out, debating whether to shower or not, that kind of thing. And then I called my Mom for something, she said something that struck a dissonant chord with me (something along the lines about examining what I may have done wrong to bring all this awful stuff on myself) and then I was just fuming, because even though it's totally irrational (unless little kids with cancer have done something wrong and are being punished for it too) of course I've asked myself things like that, more though, like, wondering if this is some kind of karmic payback, in which case there's not a thing I can do but live through this. Still, there's always the guilt, like, I should be able to fix this, I must not be trying hard enough...but you don't need to hear that ish from your own mother...
Anyhow, I was falling apart, feeling like imploding. Like, I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually so tired, and I feel like I might snap, and where do I turn? But then it was time for my Physical Therapy Evaluation appointment and it was time to pretend to be sane again.
Which turned out to be a good plan. It was just around the corner, so close, and the Physical Therapist was just amazing.
This tiny little thing, cheery, not ridiculously so, but full of energy and on top of her game. Took an extremely thorough history, so much so I realized things I'd never put together before, also gave me some input on the severity of my back problems after looking over the new records/test results I brought with me, and best of all she was interested in the entire picture, not just my problem area, and came up with a plan to try and help with my general well being, not just strengthening my shoulders & stuff, although she wants to wait until I see my Neuro & Cardio docs to have them clear me for some of it. I hope she's not toooo overzealous though, she wants me to start cardio twice a week for 20 minutes...even though I told her I was barely managing 15 minutes and had been planning on re-starting at 10. Well, I will see...I think she's right, I need to do SOME exercise for my well-being. Not just my weight, which continues to go up, but my circulation, muscle tone, and sanity. So that was that...
Tomorrow, mammograph and ultrasound. Yup, they required I throw that first one in with the ultrasound, ick. I've always thought that whole procedure sounded barbaric, but oh well, just another indignity of the female human condition to endure. Besides, if I have cancer maybe I can finally convince the SSA I am sick! No, I'm just kidding, I'm sure I'll be fine. Besides, I feel my case is looking stronger every day...I think maybe something about me has changed, but these days, instead of feeling defensive when I go to the doctor, I find they believe me before I have a chance, they acknowledge that I'm pretty unwell & I've been blessed with a primary care provider that is on top of her game, and willing to do her best to help me, even if it means learning new things, and she even cared enough to suggest I get a cat! Ha! (For those of you that don't know, I had one for 15 years until December of last year, she got sick and passed away, and I'm actually allergic to cats as of a few years ago.) So she suggested a fish, lol. I actually think she's on to something. She convinced me to try doing washing 3 dishes every day, since that's been an issue that's frustrating me. Finally did it today, did 5 actually, lol. Flared my trapz again, badly, but I got to have soup and tea. I was feeling SO tired & stressed, like wired, uncomfortable, so I made some Kava tea, and the stuff is lovely...tastes chocolate-like and relaxes one.Totally got rid of the awful wired feeling. Yay for clean dishes! I so wanted to do more but something is something, right? What kind of fish should I get, any ideas?
