Invisible Illness, Apocalyptic Laser Surgery, and Gratitude

I am hoping you all enjoyed the article I posted yesterday. I thought it was a very well-put explanation our experience with an invisible chronic illness. It reminded me of a really annoying post I read recently where this lady was complaining about how we are a nation of handouts, specifically talking about a "friend" who was on Disability due to back problems and who "seemed just fine" and his daughter who, like me, was appealing her disability decision for the zillionth time, and how she had it so much worse than them and didn't get all the benefits they did because she wasn't poor enough. My, my. I just thought it was interesting how she just decided they weren't that sick or disabled just because they seemed alright to her! (Oh, and yes, there's so much more wrong with all that, but I won't go there.)

Speaking of appearances, I'm stuck wearing glasses for two weeks until I have my Laser Eye Surgery. (Something about allowing your eyeball to return to it's natural shape so the correction will be as precise as possible.) Ah, glasses. I've hated them since I got them at age 10! But these, these are really something. Big old cheap clunky Buddy-Holly Plus black frames that I had to order online a few months ago, before my Disability came through, when I didn't have enough money to buy contacts (old glasses were broken) and actually went around blind for about 10 days! I'm not even talking about the cute trendy nerd-chic black rectangular shaped ones, these are huge. (The downside of buying glasses on the Internet, they looked way smaller on there, but they were cheap, and I needed to see!) To make matters worse, some people look fine in glasses. Me, I'm not one of those people. Anyhow, the effect is amazing. I just got back from doing a little shopping at my local TJ's, and ouch, it's amazing how such a little thing can make you suddenly invisible to the opposite sex. It's like some imperceptible sensor got turned off, and guys no longer perceive my presence. Sheesh. (At least last time I experienced that it was at work, so my clients suddenly thought I was older and smarter and trustworthy and became more willing to trust me with their money; not a bad tradeoff!lol)  Hopefully soon I will never have to experience the awkwardness I feel in glasses again, not to mention the fabulousness of being able to see in the middle of the night, not groping around for my glasses first thing in the morning, interrupting a delicious sleepiness to remove my contacts, and of course, not worrying about running out of contacts to loot if I survive the (fill in the blank) apocalypse, lol.

Although I have had to admit to myself recently, with all my health issues, it's not like my chances of survival are very good anymore anyways, ha!

Man, I miss my old tough self! How I struggle with that still! Just today I was contemplating running a marathon if I ever got better, and then I realized, umm, seriously girl? Even though you were a long distance runner in Track, don't forget you had to quit Cross Country cuz your knees couldn't take the impact, how smart would it be to run that long on pavement? DUH! Ok, so maybe part of it is just the natural process of aging. But not all. I still struggle A LOT with what I "should" be able to do and what I actually can. It just seems ridiculous to me still, what little I can manage.  (And then, alternately, I feel ridiculous for not doing enough!) I put myself into an excruciating flare a couple of days ago from trying to put together my bed's rails to get it off the floor and sleep like a grownup again...they didn't seem that heavy, I had no trouble carrying them, but I guess between moving them around and holding them up while I first tried to put them together in a space too small got me, because I was stiff and in pain the next day, had to take pain meds, and then took it the pain to another level when I forced myself to do just a little more. (The cleaning lady was coming, and since I can do so little when I'm facing reality and not hurting myself, well, I find myself having to tidy up so she can do her job! Ugh. (Oh the joy when she left and my home was all shiny and clean! That totally helped me deal with the pain, along with some Lyrica, an anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, and Epsom Salt bath!)

But yes, still trying to get someone to come help me out regularly. This week has been really frustrating, because I seem to be dealing with a sort of chemical depression, I think from getting off my birth control (which was actually meant to medicate my Endometriosis and stop all the extra grief with the POTS during my cycle, but seemed to also be making me quite angry, and not really controlling my cycle after all). When I say "chemical depression" what I mean is not that I'm blue or hurting emotionally, but that I just have no motivation. It's like all the symptoms of Depression, but not the actual, my life sucks, I wish I were dead stuff. All I want to do is sleep, watch TV, not eat, or eat junk food, and not leave the house, and I was out of my wonderful TJ's salads, which had helped me lose 10 lbs, and w/o which, I have rapidly been gaining it back, I fear.

 It would have been very helpful to have someone to tidy up for the cleaning lady (or to have kept it tidy) make me eat a good breakfast, and run to the store for me, because it takes a humongous effort for me to do anything but lie there. (And this was before and after my flare, so...it's not pain-related.) But it hasn't worked out, so today I finally made it out myself. There were things that needed to be mailed, and I realized if I do gain that 10 lbs back, then I WOULD be emotionally depressed, not to mention, sabotaging my health, so, there was no way out of it... But now that I'm all stocked up, I'm going to go get my nifty tablet and beam me up some episodes of The Mentalist onto my (sometimes)SmartTV. And realize what a lucky girl I am to be getting to rest in my cute (I  think) new living room on my comfy sectional. Even if just for this evening, I am a very lucky girl.