Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Life Goes On


So much has happened lately, I don't even know where to begin. Just when I was beginning to despair over having overstayed my welcome on my OC friends' couch, the Universe sent me a huge blessing, in the form of an old friend offering me a space to call my own for a bit, back in the area where I like to joke I was exiled from by my illness (when I had to move in with my Father at his condo in a Sr. Community). She almost reneged, due to misgivings probably from not understanding my illness (I sometimes feel blue in the face realizing that all my attempts at educating friends & family & raising awareness seem to go in one ear & out there other and give way to misjudgement, but that's another post). 

So here I am, and I feel so lucky to be back in my 'hood, with all the familiar places & faces.

Not that I'm not struggling; I had a careless driver roll into me at a light on Valentine's Day, giving me whiplash and awakening the Fibro demon from what I can only call it's remission. Aggravated by all this moving, having to push myself physically because I have no choice, my neck and head are much better, but the old burning pain in my trapezius muscles is back and persisting, along with near-constant all over body aches that I'd happily relegated to a dark corner of my memory. All the stress has also caused inflammation, and some worrisome pain & swelling in the joints of my pinky fingers, so I not only woke up with the old "sausage fingers" this morning, but feeling like I've got Skeletor's hands. (I ran out of my anti-inflammatory, and spent nearly two hours digging through my storage unit last night to bring back things I needed; clothes, shoes, toiletries, bedding...) Apparently, I also have tendonitis in the tendon that runs underneath my left shoulder. But I keep going because I must, because the joy and comfort of my old surroundings & improved situation gives me a hope that helps propel the will power and motivation that make me keep moving despite all the pain and fatigue.

I saw my lovely CFS/ME doc last week, always a pleasure, and this week, my Cardiologist, who was quite optimistic about the improvements in my blood pressure (although the tachycardia still persists) and had some much needed words of...encouragement? I don't know if that's the right word, but to surmise, she complimented me on getting through all this, something very nice to hear because nearly no one has acknowledged the strength it's taken to keep going, very much on my own...especially the last few months, a strength I wasn't sure I even had...I send great blessings to her for understanding and seeming to know that I needed to hear that from someone and how much it would mean. I'm surprised I didn't cry... on the contrary, without the slightest hesitation or discussion with my brain, my mouth turned sharply upwards as if of it's own accord, and I thanked her. 

I had a week or so of tranquility after getting settled in with the bare minimums, but now as I've been reunited with more of my things, there is more organizing to do. I don't feel up for doing it again in a week, when I have to go get the rest of my stuff, and all I can think is that I want all this moving crap to end, but my time here is probably limited, so I know that's a futile wish and I just have to take things as they come. For now, I have a space to call my own and rest my head in, undisturbed, as needed, friends "next door" to chat with when they have the time and I'm up for it, their doggies to play with and a cute curly-headed 4 year old whose curls to tousle; I can call up people I know when I have the energy, and the beach is closer than close, waiting for me to come to it whenever I should need a bit of it's peace-giving, awe-inspiring beauty to give me comfort. 

Today I took the smaller doggy out for a spin (hated to leave the big girl behind, but too sore to handle her) and as he stuck his head out the window, tongue hanging out in bliss, I breathed in the salty air & gorgeous view, and even got serenaded at a light by some very handome (probably) Spring Break tourists enjoying the magic of the golden coast that I call home...Now to bed...Oh wait, I'm already there!

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