Pushing...and Fantasizing

It has been a long tough couple of weeks. I can't believe it's been so little time, it feels like longer...I was having a tough time as it was, healthwise, but what can you do when someone who has no one else is counting on you? Must, push, forward.

And I did, and it's been so worth it. It's nice feeling, too, to feel like you've managed to accomplish something. Ah, yes, I can hear the voices of various family members saying,

"Well, maybe you should try it more often!"

And I wish, once again, that I could get them to understand, that I'd do anything to be able to feel like that all the time, like I used to. And that they could just spend a week in my shoes, and see what it takes to just get through one of my regular DAYS. And that someone as sick as I am cannot run on adrenaline alone. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's how I ended up like this! I ran on sheer will power and adrenaline for about 2 years before ending up here, and I've been trying to grab a foothold on this slippery slope for the last two.

Anywho. I found myself fantasizing about/half planning what I will do when I get my SSDI retroactive payment. I think first, I will get my hair restored to a nice light brown with honey highlights...I've missed it, so sick of people telling me,

"Wow, your hair looked so good like that! Why don't you get it done like that again?"
Hmm, gee, well maybe because I can barely afford a haircut every few months?

Plus, many chronically ill people will tell you just how helpful it is to at least look good on the outside, even if you feel miserable inside... I think I'd do a spa day, too. I'd start some Gentle/Therapeutic type Yoga classes. See a Chiropractor, get a massage...Just anything to cheer myself up and lift my spirits, then start working on using any and all the holistic treatments at my disposal to get better, than start going on some spiritual (meditation, yoga, etc.) retreats/cruises. (I've never been on a cruise ship, but heaven for me is being on a boat in the middle of any nice body of water, so...I'm thinking the joy from that kind of trip might just cure me!)

Don't get me wrong, it's not about materialism, spending money, vanity...It's about not having to stress about every little purchase, every gallon of gas, EVERYTHING. Just getting rid of the stress and trying to find happiness again, because sometimes I feel like SUCH a bitter old hag.

It's about simple things, like having a clean home. Not having to do fancy footwork everytime I run out of a medication or vital supplement. Not having to worry about going to a meditation group that takes donations and not having money for it...Or worrying about what will happen if the person who's supposed to pay the bills doesn't... (Just when I finally believed it was overkill reminding people to pay the utilities...the electricity gets shut off for a day for non-payment, ah!)

Being able to take a treasured pet to the vet for checkups or emergencies...

Peace of mind, so I can focus on getting as well as possible, to seek out happiness, a living hopefully, and just...a life worth living...