I have been really, really, REALLY sick the past...WOW: THREE months. One thing after another. My immune system is shot, adrenals are fatigued, can't fight infections well so they recurr...I've been all but housebound, and mostly bed or couch or recliner-bound. It was HARD at first, because what caused me to crash is that I had been getting back to normal. Driving to my hometown to see my friends and take care of business1-2x a week, exercising 2-3 times a week, getting stuff done in general...I was going to bed actually sleepy, and it was wonderful. So it took some adjusting to go back to being even worse than I had been. But then I got even sicker and I had no choice. Resistance was futile. I gave in to lying around, playing MMPOGs, watching lots of shows online, sleeping in, and Googling to my heart's content.
At one point though, I was having a really rough time. I asked my "friends" to come visit me, but they were too busy. I even practically begged my brother to come over for a day or so and just hang out. He didn't. I know I'm a bit needy. Hell, sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a basket case. After awhile, mostly to protect myself from further disappointment, I gave up. But today, I texted a friend about something I saw on TV that I thought she'd want to know. She answered, asking me where I'd disappeared to, and I told her, I've just been home, sick. I'd start to get better, then get sicker. I have a suspicion that she's one of those people that is not good at sympathy, and she was sick of hearing about my being sick, which I expounded on at length after a drink too many a couple of times. (I've known her for 5 years, I figured it was safe.) And she despite my attempt to deflect my answer with a question about her, she never answered my text. I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to just lie, make up some bogus excuse...I'm not a good liar, and what's more, I don't like doing it. Besides, it's bad enough going through all this, but then being forced to put on a facade and lie about it? It's like it gives it all more power over me...saying everything is fine or making up some other lame excuse...it leaves a numbness behind, I feel empty, and if I'm really unlucky, it's like twisting a knife in my heart. It's not enough that my life feels like a living hell, but I'm supposed to help people who don't give enough of a damn about me to help, I'm supposed to make them feel better about that?
Not to mention, the last time I did it because I honestly just didn't want to get into it...I almost burst into tears. My eyes got teary as I mustered a tight, brave little smile and looked away to avoid eye contact. So seriously, what do I do? Nothing I guess. Just play more online games and try and keep it from eating me up inside. It's not working as well though, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take sitting around here, isolated. I've started having one-sided conversations with my cat and the TV. lol.
In other news, my hair is falling out at an increasingly alarming rate. Not only is it everywhere, but now all I have to do is run my fingers through the end of my hair, gently tugging on a few strands, and anywhere from 1-2 to a half dozen strands come gliding out I can do it again and again, and at least one piece comes out, and again, and again. Not even from my head, it seems like they've been lying there, tangled in the rest of my hair, waiting to come out. It seems like I'm falling apart, from my hair down to my toes. (Earlier this week I could not get my legs warm, had to put on thick socks and leg-warmers. My stomach has been acting up, my heart rhythm is too fast, blood pressure is low, memory is bad, and now the hair...)
I'm tired, and beginning to feel invisible, and wondering how much longer this is going to go on. But for now, my night meds kicked in, so I won't really care for awhile.
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