Apathy and Houseguests

I've been feeling so worn out lately. Not just physically, but spiritually as well. I'm maxed out on Zoloft, but I think I may still be depressed. It's weird, there's no rhyme or reason to it...Friday I had to lie down about a dozen times or more before finally being down for the count. (Dysautonomia I guess, still waiting to find out if it could actually be a Thyroid disorder; my T4 came out low, BUT I was having all the symptoms of HYPER-thyroidism: rapid heartrate, hair falling out 10 times worse than usual, gaining & losing weight rapidly, being too hyper to relax even though i was burnt out, dry skin and nails...I checked and it is possible to have both if you have a Thyroid Disorder.)

I got up this morning, and for the life of me, I did not feel like doing anything. I even skipped my meds, which I usually take the second I get up. I can't handle being completely useless though, so I went & took them, made myself breakfast, & after a break, took a shower. So much to do around the house, but I got overwhelmed just thinking about doing anything, so I decided it would be enough just to get myself past this dip and keep myself from falling further into a funk.

I ended up just feeling stressed out. I thought of driving to the beach, taking an impromptu trip to see my peeps in L.A., but in the end, all I ended up doing is dropping off some books at the library, and picking up a few things at the dollar store.

I had spent some time on the computer, but the ergonomic mouse I borrowed from my Dad sets off my tricep pain, which totally stressed me out, too much fighting going on...fighting to keep my mood from falling, fighting my body wanting to lie down, fighting to ignore the pain and concentrate on the other two, while cajoling myself into doing something productive.

Things seemed a little better after I got home though.

And then I was having a nice conversation with my Dad, and he springs on me that we are going to be having a houseguest next month. I knew that, and I was warily looking forward to it. (I don't know if this person likes me much, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to be a very good hostess...) I LOVE being a hostess, and hardly ever get the chance to do it. But on my own pretty much? This was going to mean getting up at a decent hour every day, making breakfast, cleaning up...Stuff I barely manage for myself, okay, actually, don't manage very well at all...but still, I was willing to try. I'm dying for some company, and have been dying to get to show people around my new county...It gorgeous here and I love sharing it...and unfortunately, haven't gotten the chance to do it yet, really with any of my closest friends or family because a 40 minute drive is just too much for them...(That's another story though.)

Then today I find out it's not going to be a couple days to a week, like I'd assumed...but possibly 2-3 MONTHS! WHAT?!? And no one thought to ask me if I could handle this? WTH? I explained the drawbacks to this for me...I'm one of those people who needs alone time to recharge, even before I was sick. Plus, well, I have a hard time seeing people when I'm feeling really bad...I mean, lately, I've often thought about what I wouldn't give to have someone visit me, especially on days when I'm practically glued to the bed...but unless I was violently ill, I'd have to make sure the place was relatively clean and tidy, and even if I was violently ill, I'd probably put on a fresh pair of PJs and do my makeup, make my hair presentable, if only in a ponytail...

It's this bizzare personality quirk I have a I guess...I don't mind telling people all about my illness, but I don't really want them to see it. It's like a dirty little secret or something. I just feel very self-conscious, most of all when I'm in pain. Then there's all that guilt, too. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Sympathy, kindness, and consideration would be nice, but pity, no. And I feel weird asking for help, or letting on that I can't handle something that I know shouldn't be a problem for someone my age...I feel like they'll think I'm being a baby and presume I'm lying. (Which has been known to happen!)

So anyways, the idea of having a houseguest for months seems pretty overwhelming. My Dad says there are other alternatives, but now I already feel like the bad guy. One more thing that I should be able to do that I can't.

Well, hopefully he'll handle it tactfully for once. And who knows, it might end up being nice to have company...either way, I'm a little nervous about the whole thing...but I guess it's too late now...just amazes me that none of these problems were taken into account, I wasn't taken into account, or consulted on the matter...

I have GOT to start looking at affordable housing apartment complexes & got on their waiting lists. The second I get my SSDI approved, I'm out. The fewer stressors I have, the better, so if I can be free of my dysfunctional family dynamic, that would be GREAT...