The Question Rises. Again

And the question is: Do I try and go back to work.
The same old question.

Right now, I'm not working, because I don't feel well enough. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of making myself sicker everytime I try and hold down a regular job, or in the case of the last few months I lived on my own, trying to survive and keep a roof over my head.

Oh, I've made a couple of attempts to start a home-based business. But I get so overwhelmed with the ups and downs (I believe my adrenals are extremely fatigued, and my Central Nervous System gets over-aroused far too easily, been doing some research on that, which I will share soon)I end up giving up.

I've been trying to be patient and hang my hopes on the idea that my Social Security Disability could come through any time, and then I'll have all the money I need to seriously pursue holistic treatments that have helped in the past, try some new ones, and (here's the key) actually have the means to see them through to the end. ("The End" being my being cured, or at the very last well enough to work enough to make the money to maintain that level of wellness.)

But lately, I see myself declining in a whole new manner. It's not so much depression, as it seems to be a spiritual poisoning of sorts. I've come so far in other ways. I've progressed by leaps and bounds as far as acceptance goes. I've let go of the misplaced shame and judgment I'd felt at not being able to overcome my health problems and lead a normal life. I've felt much more like me than I had in years. But I'm so angry inside so much of the time, and the dynamics of the environment I'm living in is so warped, I feel as if it's a sort of darkness that is invading my soul, eating it up, and could ultimately destroy and warp the essence of all that is good in me if I don't take action to stop it.

My intuition tells me I need some energy healing. Experience tells me I need some adrenal supplements, which seemed to be helping a couple of weeks ago. I'm so anxious lately, like a generalized sort of anxiety, I've botched my diet...I probably bought $80 worth of junk food with my grocery money and ate it all in a week. It made me feel better. (Can you say headed for an eating disorder?)My stomach's a mess, IC is acting up, and I've gained back some weight.

I need money so much. I'm thinking of just doing it. What's the difference anyhow? I don't work and die a slow, spiritual death, or I start getting some gigs, which maybe I won't do well, but they will get me some cash while it lasts, get me out and around people, which will lift my spirits, and help me afford treatments that might save me or at last make me a little better.

It seems worth the risk right around now. Failure is not much of a fear, I've become accustomed to it...So we shall see...