Saturday, July 12, 2014

Dawn Rising

Well. Things have calmed down again. Glad that's out of my system. I wish I wasn't so emotional, but genetics are not in my favor. I know, I was born sensitive and emotional. I could manage it a lot better when things were a bit more stable, optimally, when I was truly happy, which was a very short period of time...I still hope as things get better I can control the urge to last out when I'm hurt and handle things far more gracefully. Another thing that frustrates me about the effects of chronic illness on my life. Being a better person has always been on my list of life philosophies since I was a teen though, so I have hopes I will recover the progress I've lost ground on the last 10 years of isolation and difficulty.
I see the light growing on the horizon as if it were a new day, slowly, but surely dawning, and I am so grateful for where I am now, and where I see myself going.
I am so grateful! I found a lovely roommate, a young woman from Europe, transferring for work to be near her long-distance boyfriend, a young aspiring filmmaker who gave off a very good vibe, and I am relieved and excited to be sharing my place with her. I know it's just an apartment, but I love it. It's the first time I've actually gotten to furnish my own home to my liking, and I've been told it's very cozy. (I wouldn't say it's an interior design masterpiece, not by far, but it's comfortable, up to date, and it's all mine!)
Now, I never thought I'd have to have a roommate at this age, but then, I've had to scrap most of my plans and pre-conceived notions of how my life should be, and it's a hell of a lot better a place than I was at a year ago. (Well, literally AND figuratively speaking, cuz I was homeless this time last year, sleeping on the couch, and this place looks and feels completely different now!)
I've put my persistent wanderlust on hold for now...Because seriously, with my health issues, it was a little delusional...PLUS, I finally realized, I live in a place many people in the world would and do envy...I'm blessed to be a 5 minute drive from the Los Angeles Beach Cities, my beloved Golden Coast, and the cliffs and amazing vistas of the Palos Verdes Peninsula, close enough for me to cruise up to without getting too tired... I made myself wake up from dreams of exotic islands with not as ideal weather and reminded myself how much there is to explore and do here, so why the heck would I want to put myself through a move or a plane ride and the stresses of travel? Yes, I think my feet are landing back on the ground. These last several months have been therapeutic, because I've caught myself lately completely forgetting my life is at all "abnormal"... I feel like a "real" person again, a regular Jane...It don't feel so much shame or beat myself up so much over what I can't do, and although if I stop to think, I know the reality is that each day IS a struggle from the time I get up, it's so normal to me now, that I hardly notice, unless it's a really, really bad day. I think I'm getting my social skills back, too, although my brain has been a bit scrambled lately, and I still find myself forgetting some of the niceties and tact that used to be second nature to me...
I've found a new lead on wellness, that I'd temporarily overlooked/half forgotten... Cleansing and Detox... Including Juicing, and discovered Colon Hydrotherapy. Great stuff. Hopefully I can stay focused on that, and continue to get grounded and incorporate more of what I want to help me...Meditation, Yoga, and my biggest, scariest, most exciting dream, writing...then when I have that down, maybe on to try dating once again, eek! That will be the biggest challenge of all, because no matter how "normal" I feel, that will have the potential to make me face my limitations in a very big way...But I have hope in my heart that the mysteries of fate have to give me a break and life will suddenly begin to come together...and move forward, and I find myself excited to see what happens next...

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