Free

I'm free. I can breathe again. I don't care that I'm not wanted by one sad excuse for a man looking for a way to convince himself he can't love me because he's too afraid. And I have him to thank for it, oddly. He asked me a question, meant to make me understand the rationality of why he couldn't be with me. He asked me, if he told me that the doctor told him he was going blind, and there might be a surgery that would cure it, but it wasn't a sure thing, and his HMO didn't want to cover it and was on his last appeal with them, what would my concerns be? I thought for a second, not knowing what to say, and then suddenly, it was as if my heart took over and started to speak for me. I told him that my concern would be for him...how to help him. I'd help him fight the HMO to get that surgery, and be supportive and reassure him that my feelings for him wouldn't change even if he did go blind. And if he did I'd be there to help him figure things out.

He said something like, wouldn't you expect him to learn how to use a can and read braille, and I said, well, of course, but that's a given; you are a very smart man, so why wouldn't you do everything you possibly could to adjust to your new life? I wouldn't insult your inteligence like that. Obviously you'd do the obvious. Silence.

I had told him already that, asking me to say I would work and clean (apparently his ideal ideas of contributing to a relationship) when I didn't know that I could was like asking him to promise to love me forever...both ludicrous at the stage of our "relationship" that we were in. I told him he was anal and callous and had said very hurtful things to me and I thought he was just scared. 

Then, after his silence, it hit me...I don't think I was even in love with him yet, but I would be willing to give him a chance anyhow, if the situation was reversed. I would still give it a try, there would be no question...if he had been as fabulously amazing as I had thought before all this happened, I truly, in  my heart, know that I would. Even if it was too hard for him to learn to read Braille and he couldn't adjust well enough to find a job and be traditionally productive, as long as he tried, I'd be okay with it. As long as he didn't become mean and cranky, lol. That is how much love I have in my heart, to offer. I don't think that's a small thing. You can pay people to clean. I can still cook a bit, and if it was all I had to do as far as household chores, I think I could do it well, daily with great effort how I am now, but love moves mountains. And I can love, and support, and spread joy, and with some love and support for myself there's not telling what strength I might draw or how much my health would improve, and what I could go on to do. 

In short, I have so much to offer. And if I have that much love and compassion in my heart, why should I settle for any less from someone else? I realized that he absolutely was not the person I thought I was falling in love with, who I confided my entire situation to and still wanted to be around me. He wasn't there any,more, and even if he changed his mind, the fact that he had treated me the way he treated me and thought it was okay, made him irrevocably undesirable. I told him even if he changed his mind, it was too late, I thanked him for asking that question, and told him that now I understood exactly what I wanted, and that he was not who I thought he was.

And I felt a weight lifted off my chest. I felt free. I was afraid it wouldn't last, like earlier in the evening, when I came home happy from the movies and then felt it slipping away...But this time I was nearly positive it would last. And sure enough, I woke up this morning, not feeling  paralyzed, feeling free, hungry for real food, motivated to get to the gym, get out, take what life my body could handle from the world and live...