Ah, it must be that time of year again. The last 3 months of the year, when I find myself getting a bit frantic. The sunshine is slipping away (ok, so we had a heat wave here in California last week, but still!) the days are getting shorter...the holidays are quickly approaching, which is tough when you're broke and can't do much about it. History shows that this time of year can be a frantic struggle for me to hang onto my sanity. I start losing hope, depression begins to creep in, and I want to be well, YESTERDAY.
This year, time has slipped by so fast that I'm half dazed when I try and accept that it's nearly halfway through October...but I feel the crisis creeping in, in the form of a scarcely controllable urge to stuff my face! What's more, I hardly even care. I'm SO anxious so much of the time, and it manifests itself as an urge to eat. Which yes, I can recognize, which seems like a good thing, but I think it might be making me even more anxious!
I suppose a big factor is the kitty. As I mentioned before, my fur-kid of 15 years has developed Chronic Renal Failure. It's been quite a fight to get her stable (not sure if we're truly even there yet) the last month or so. I've had to do lots of research, since I couldn't afford any more multiple trips to the vet, but I found myself in good hands, as apparently, many cats live well with this disease for years, and there is a wealth of information on the Internet about how to manage it. By pure grace I've been blessed to be clear-headed enough to mostly digest it well, though I've still had to re-read it multiple times, I am truly grateful that the fog mercifully lifted enough for me to take advantage of that.
I haven't been sleeping well, and I suppose that's a first sign; when I start waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep, it's a sure sign of extreme stress. I've had to give her pills, hand/force feed her food, stick needles in her to hydrate her...She is the closest thing to a child I have, and hard as it's been, I had no choice, and fortunately, I still have a little bit of that part of me that takes charge in an emergency. Actually, I'd been feeling gracefully calm and relaxed (finally!) before she got sick...so maybe my adrenals had begun to replenish themselves. But it's been exhausting. To be feeling sick and exhausted and know you have to hand feed your cat wet food, despite her razor sharp teeth and lack of cooperation...Or steel yourself to stick a sharp needle through her skin, and keep her from wiggling away as water leaks from it under her skin? Yikes. Ha, as I write this I begin to realize why I have been feeling SO stressed and exhausted. But the reward is, there she is, happily napping away on her meditation pillow, if not as healthy-looking as before, pretty close enough.
I guess the gaining the extra pounds back won't be the end of the world, especially since it's not like I'm dating at the moment. I've given up on the gym as well. (My shoulder's still recovering from giving in to the temptation to vent my frustration on the arm cycle, and the last time I was going to go, by a fluke, checking out an erroneous theory, I found out I had a fever...didn't want any infection being driven towards my heart, I have enough problems already!)
So anyways, what's this about Magic Mushrooms? Well, no worries, they're not hallucinogenic. They are magic because they are said to restore the balance between the Th1 and Th2 parts of the immune system... Ganoderma Lucidum, aka Reishi Mushrooms...Crazy, frantic girl that I am, I've begun taking some tea, and the results were nearly immediate. Within hours glands in different parts of my body were swelling and tender...This is a good thing, I believe, because as my doctor and many articles have explained, my immune system, if it were normal, would have fought off the Enteroviral infections I have. So if I'm getting all sore-throaty, swollen glandy, that means it's making it work properly, no? I sure hope so...
Incidentally, it also seems to have a very subtle, relaxing effect on me, much like Ashwagandha...Not quite enough to ease my binge-inducing anxiety, but it's definitely taken an edge off...More on those later...
Now, my mission is SLEEP. I'll let you know if it's successful...
Showing posts with label holiday stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday stress. Show all posts
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Cortisol Testing
I got to see a cardiologist this week. (The GP at my new clinic sent me to him so he could manage the POTS & all that.) Thankfully, he was very sweet; an older gentleman. He listened. He had no answers, but he tried, he listened, he examined, and best of all at least he didn't give me the impression he thought I was a loon. (he didn't tell me what I needed was exercise,like the last one I saw, a suggestion so far off base it drove me to tears...because at the time I could barely stand!)
His only idea was to have my cortisol tested. When the do that test though, it always comes back normal. However, last year, I had the other version, the one where they have you collect saliva a few times over a 24 hour period and compare the measurements to what they should be at those times. Mine was low in the daytime, and high at night, which explains my insomnia and the fact that I feel quite energetic at about 1am...And any little thing stresses me out in thee early afternoon (I don't even get up in the morning anymore! Lucky me? Not really, it kinda sucks!)
Anyways, found this article that describes it & thought I'd share.
http://www.nutritionalmedicine.org.uk/phdi/p1.nsf/supppages/franklin?opendocument&part=6
On the bright side, I asked him if I could find a place that did Autonomic Nervous System Function testing, he would give me a referral. :)
His only idea was to have my cortisol tested. When the do that test though, it always comes back normal. However, last year, I had the other version, the one where they have you collect saliva a few times over a 24 hour period and compare the measurements to what they should be at those times. Mine was low in the daytime, and high at night, which explains my insomnia and the fact that I feel quite energetic at about 1am...And any little thing stresses me out in thee early afternoon (I don't even get up in the morning anymore! Lucky me? Not really, it kinda sucks!)
Anyways, found this article that describes it & thought I'd share.
http://www.nutritionalmedicine.org.uk/phdi/p1.nsf/supppages/franklin?opendocument&part=6
On the bright side, I asked him if I could find a place that did Autonomic Nervous System Function testing, he would give me a referral. :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A Better Day
Today actually went pretty well. I finally got a chance to practice pacing, and I think it was helpful.
I woke up, drank even more water than usual, and had some salt. I lucked out, in that the laptop was forgotten today, so I got to recline in bed while checking my e-mail (I think sitting up at my desktop pc to do that yesterday is what did me in, definitely what triggered the tachycardia, possibly along w/hormonal changes).
I expected total madness when I hit the stores, but lucked out; I decided ahead of time that I was going to get a gocart, since I had returns to do and that involved standing in line, which kills me. (I don't faint, but I feel really, really ill if I stand in lines for even a couple of minutes...my back gets really stiff as well, and hurts after just a few minutes.)
I lucked out though, no wait at Tar-jay, and I did do the gocart thing at WalMart, though I felt like a huge dork, all made up and healthy-looking, I got some stares, especially from peopole my age, and I could imagine what they were thinking, but I just smiled or looked away...and it worked, I got the stuff I'd been dreaded all taken care of and wasn't completely exhausted for a change; so nice!
I lucked out with parking, too, now that I think of it, it wasn't looking good, even the handicapped spaces were all taken at both stores, but I got great parking at both stores in the end...
I even made it to a 3rd store, and the doctor (though that was fruitless, as he wasn't there...) and was only worn out when I got home from carrying my bags and coats inside. I was planning on having a nice glass of wine, as a glass of beer had a great effect on me last week, but I ended up having to take a Neurontin for some excruciating cramping; even that worked out, it helped, and it didn't make me sleepy like I expected, perhaps just relaxed :)
I cooked up a quick egg dish for dinner, tidied up a tiny bit, and gave the cat a good, long overdue brushing, which finally did wear me out. It still seems ridiculous that such an easy task could wear me out...of course, I did have to do a little extra because of the allergies...brought the air filter in from the other room, and wore a mask (just the dander from petting her with my foot started my nasal passages swelling, soo...)
Ah, this all sounds so silly even to me, so mundane, but I'm so grateful. OH!
And I did realize a cool thing today, my brain fog is SO much better. It's like someone removed the cotton candy that was clogging it all up and everything runs smoothly...I'm not running around with my forehead wrinkled constantly trying to hang onto every thought lest it disappear before I was done with it. It was so incredibly exhausting! I don't know if it's a result of my social isolation, forced rest, Oxymatrine/immune modulators, or what, but I am so grateful.
I hadn't realized how much better it had gotten until I had a bad fog day a few weeks back and I just wanted to cry...it was so stressful, and every little darn thing was so difficult because I kept forgetting what I was doing, where I was going, what I needed to do or take to get there...and then it hit me that it used to be like that ALL the time, and I don't know how I lived like that...
I watched an episode of a TV show called "Fringe" last night; it's a Sci-Fi show, and this man who'd been in a mental hospital suddenly "went sane" after having something surgically removed from his brain, and he was describing how it felt, and he said, "It was just like ah, suddenly...Free..."
That's what it's like without the awful cognitive dysfunction, I can just think and do and function freely, without feeling like my brain is cramping up from the effort, everything's running smoothly instead of bumper to bumper traffic to hold onto and retrieve thoughts!
Yay :)
I woke up, drank even more water than usual, and had some salt. I lucked out, in that the laptop was forgotten today, so I got to recline in bed while checking my e-mail (I think sitting up at my desktop pc to do that yesterday is what did me in, definitely what triggered the tachycardia, possibly along w/hormonal changes).
I expected total madness when I hit the stores, but lucked out; I decided ahead of time that I was going to get a gocart, since I had returns to do and that involved standing in line, which kills me. (I don't faint, but I feel really, really ill if I stand in lines for even a couple of minutes...my back gets really stiff as well, and hurts after just a few minutes.)
I lucked out though, no wait at Tar-jay, and I did do the gocart thing at WalMart, though I felt like a huge dork, all made up and healthy-looking, I got some stares, especially from peopole my age, and I could imagine what they were thinking, but I just smiled or looked away...and it worked, I got the stuff I'd been dreaded all taken care of and wasn't completely exhausted for a change; so nice!
I lucked out with parking, too, now that I think of it, it wasn't looking good, even the handicapped spaces were all taken at both stores, but I got great parking at both stores in the end...
I even made it to a 3rd store, and the doctor (though that was fruitless, as he wasn't there...) and was only worn out when I got home from carrying my bags and coats inside. I was planning on having a nice glass of wine, as a glass of beer had a great effect on me last week, but I ended up having to take a Neurontin for some excruciating cramping; even that worked out, it helped, and it didn't make me sleepy like I expected, perhaps just relaxed :)
I cooked up a quick egg dish for dinner, tidied up a tiny bit, and gave the cat a good, long overdue brushing, which finally did wear me out. It still seems ridiculous that such an easy task could wear me out...of course, I did have to do a little extra because of the allergies...brought the air filter in from the other room, and wore a mask (just the dander from petting her with my foot started my nasal passages swelling, soo...)
Ah, this all sounds so silly even to me, so mundane, but I'm so grateful. OH!
And I did realize a cool thing today, my brain fog is SO much better. It's like someone removed the cotton candy that was clogging it all up and everything runs smoothly...I'm not running around with my forehead wrinkled constantly trying to hang onto every thought lest it disappear before I was done with it. It was so incredibly exhausting! I don't know if it's a result of my social isolation, forced rest, Oxymatrine/immune modulators, or what, but I am so grateful.
I hadn't realized how much better it had gotten until I had a bad fog day a few weeks back and I just wanted to cry...it was so stressful, and every little darn thing was so difficult because I kept forgetting what I was doing, where I was going, what I needed to do or take to get there...and then it hit me that it used to be like that ALL the time, and I don't know how I lived like that...
I watched an episode of a TV show called "Fringe" last night; it's a Sci-Fi show, and this man who'd been in a mental hospital suddenly "went sane" after having something surgically removed from his brain, and he was describing how it felt, and he said, "It was just like ah, suddenly...Free..."
That's what it's like without the awful cognitive dysfunction, I can just think and do and function freely, without feeling like my brain is cramping up from the effort, everything's running smoothly instead of bumper to bumper traffic to hold onto and retrieve thoughts!
Yay :)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Bad flare
I woke up emotionally drained, and by the time I'd been up for an hour I proceeded to emotionally exhausted. I also woke up with back pain. Usually, I don't wake up in pain. Well...stiff, and sore, but I don't count that. This was real, not going away even if you get out of bed & off your back back pain. I even got desperate and slathered on the hospital strength arthritis cream, but it wasn't enough.
I thought it was from all the stress, and maybe partly, but I'd forgotten that I lifted a couple of things I normally wouldn't yesterday, because there was no one around I wanted to ask for help. OUCH. Definitely was not being a wimp by asking before...Can't wait to start at the gym! It's going to be even less than I thought! I just have to go sign the papers to get started, so excited, especially about the sauna!
So anyhow, by evening the back pain had progressed to all over flare pain, especially bad in my neck. And it's so hard to get the heating pad around your neck...
But I have a secret weapon. It's very fancy. So fancy, I made it myself. A tube sock, filled with uncooked rice, some chamomile, and lavender oil, and tied off with a ribbon. Stuck it in the microwave for a minute, and voila! Nice. So warm. Sat down on my shiatsu massager.
Only it still didn't help. (Heat seems to be helping less & less lately, dunno why!)
I got so sensitive, too, the weight of the pad was hurting. But I was determined to get out, and right when I was thinking I needed to pick up some Thermacare hotpacks, I found one just sitting around. It was a different brand, can't find it right now, but I know it was way cheaper, and actually better, longer, fit around my neck & down my chest a bit, which was great because the little muscles there felt all cramped up.
It still hurt though. Finally after I got back from dropping off some books/DVDs at the library and trying to get a Thai Iced Tea to cheer me up and failing cuz I forgot my wallet (the pain was really interfering w/my thinking!) the muscle relaxer I'd taken as a last resort kicked in and I started feeling better.
Still, I need something for the stress, it's been too much. I'm to worn down. It's like my cortisol is so screwed up I go from 0 stress to 10 in an instant, and it's too much. I think I'm going to start taking this lovely herb called Ashwagandha again, even though it seemed to flare up the Endo problems. I first read about this herb, while doing a search for herbal treatments for FM & CFS a couple of years back. It is really amazing. I totally noticed how things that had formerly gotten me all stressed out, well, I'd feel the stress start to go up, but it would quickly hit a wall and peter back down to normal, such a relief.
The article I'd read said that people w/CFS should take that, and Kava Kava, and avoid stress at all costs for 4-6 months. Even if that were possible, dunno if it would work, but the Ashwagandha helped. (It's an adaptogenic herb, goes where your body needs it most, helps control stress/cortisol levels, gives energy while calming. Probably wouldn't have made it through my last "real" job without it.)
So here's a link to an article about it in case any of you are interested:
http://www.naturalherbsguide.com/ashwagandha.html
From: http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?id=5115&t=CFIDS_FM
"Ashwagandha
Ashwagandha root, also known as winter cherry or Indian ginseng, is an important herb from the Ayurvedic or Indian system of medicine. Ashwagandha has been traditionally used for the treatment of debility, emaciation, impotence, and premature aging.(7) This dietary supplement is used to enhance mental and physical performance, improve learning ability, and decrease stress and fatigue. Ashwagandha is a general tonic to be used in stressful situations, especially insomnia, overwork, nervousness, restlessness, and chronic fatigue syndrome.(8)"
Oh, and yes, I did say it's good for calming AND for energy!
More here:
http://www.althealth.co.uk/help_and_advice/supplements/ashwagandha/
Quickly reversing the progress against pain by sitting here, so I'm gonna go...
I thought it was from all the stress, and maybe partly, but I'd forgotten that I lifted a couple of things I normally wouldn't yesterday, because there was no one around I wanted to ask for help. OUCH. Definitely was not being a wimp by asking before...Can't wait to start at the gym! It's going to be even less than I thought! I just have to go sign the papers to get started, so excited, especially about the sauna!
So anyhow, by evening the back pain had progressed to all over flare pain, especially bad in my neck. And it's so hard to get the heating pad around your neck...
But I have a secret weapon. It's very fancy. So fancy, I made it myself. A tube sock, filled with uncooked rice, some chamomile, and lavender oil, and tied off with a ribbon. Stuck it in the microwave for a minute, and voila! Nice. So warm. Sat down on my shiatsu massager.
Only it still didn't help. (Heat seems to be helping less & less lately, dunno why!)
I got so sensitive, too, the weight of the pad was hurting. But I was determined to get out, and right when I was thinking I needed to pick up some Thermacare hotpacks, I found one just sitting around. It was a different brand, can't find it right now, but I know it was way cheaper, and actually better, longer, fit around my neck & down my chest a bit, which was great because the little muscles there felt all cramped up.
It still hurt though. Finally after I got back from dropping off some books/DVDs at the library and trying to get a Thai Iced Tea to cheer me up and failing cuz I forgot my wallet (the pain was really interfering w/my thinking!) the muscle relaxer I'd taken as a last resort kicked in and I started feeling better.
Still, I need something for the stress, it's been too much. I'm to worn down. It's like my cortisol is so screwed up I go from 0 stress to 10 in an instant, and it's too much. I think I'm going to start taking this lovely herb called Ashwagandha again, even though it seemed to flare up the Endo problems. I first read about this herb, while doing a search for herbal treatments for FM & CFS a couple of years back. It is really amazing. I totally noticed how things that had formerly gotten me all stressed out, well, I'd feel the stress start to go up, but it would quickly hit a wall and peter back down to normal, such a relief.
The article I'd read said that people w/CFS should take that, and Kava Kava, and avoid stress at all costs for 4-6 months. Even if that were possible, dunno if it would work, but the Ashwagandha helped. (It's an adaptogenic herb, goes where your body needs it most, helps control stress/cortisol levels, gives energy while calming. Probably wouldn't have made it through my last "real" job without it.)
So here's a link to an article about it in case any of you are interested:
http://www.naturalherbsguide.com/ashwagandha.html
From: http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?id=5115&t=CFIDS_FM
"Ashwagandha
Ashwagandha root, also known as winter cherry or Indian ginseng, is an important herb from the Ayurvedic or Indian system of medicine. Ashwagandha has been traditionally used for the treatment of debility, emaciation, impotence, and premature aging.(7) This dietary supplement is used to enhance mental and physical performance, improve learning ability, and decrease stress and fatigue. Ashwagandha is a general tonic to be used in stressful situations, especially insomnia, overwork, nervousness, restlessness, and chronic fatigue syndrome.(8)"
Oh, and yes, I did say it's good for calming AND for energy!
More here:
http://www.althealth.co.uk/help_and_advice/supplements/ashwagandha/
Quickly reversing the progress against pain by sitting here, so I'm gonna go...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Christmas & Stuff
Well. I made it through Christmas. It was actually the best one I've had in years. Got my wish. Did the Christmas Eve thing, as is traditional in my mostly Latin family. Got to see people dear to me that I hadn't seen in years, mostly because I couldn't afford the gas money, am not big on the phone, and was a little embarassed about the state of my life. (Which yes, is not really my fault, but I struggle a lot with guilt, a little voice inside that insists I must have screwed up somehow, even though I've done everything I possibly could to keep my life from turning into a shambles as I fight for my Disability Insurance.)
It just went to remind me yet again of that phrase I read in a book recently, about how when you can't work, your life becomes about relationships. And yes, many times, I've lain in bed, or sat, depressed, musing about how much more bearable my life would be if I just had more people I was close to in it, if my friends or family members would stop by and visit, even if I couldn't entertain them, if I just had people who cared enough to stop by and keep me company, get me out of my head for a bit.
But I always thought it would be hard for me to have people around when I wasn't feeling well; I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I like things just so; above all, I like people to think I'm fun, and I always dreamed of the chance to be a great hostess. How can I be fun or a good hostess lying on the couch or in bed?
I got a glimpse of what it would be like on Thanksgiving. I'd spent the morning tidying up, & finishing up my cooking, (trying not to chop my fingers off as my grandmother insisted on talking to me while I did it, and I couldn't think how to politely tell her in Spanish that I have a really hard time multi-tasking these days, lol) and by the time I started getting ready, I was exhausted. By the time my brother and his girlfriend showed up, I could barely breathe, my back hurt so much, and I knew I had to get the heating pad on it, and lie down, quick, before things got out of control.
So I invited them into my room, where I made myself comfortable on the bed & applied the heat, offered them seats, and chatted for a bit. It was actually really nice! Kept me from thinking about the pain so much, and probably, stressing about whether I'd screwed up and tired myself out too much to make it to Thanksgiving.
So then I realized, Hey, maybe I don't have to be buzzing around like a bee offering food & drink and fussing over people, maybe it IS okay to just be. That was a pretty cool realization.
So I didn't care if I was getting tired, my fog was driving me nuts making me feel like I had ADD, it was just nice to be around warm, happy, fun people, and best of all, I think they were really happy to see ME. That was the best gift. I was afraid people would be hurt or upset with me, but no such thing. And when I got asked the dreaded questions about what was new w/me & things like that...well I managed to not blurt out any portion of my whole pathetic sob story, and even though the fog kept me from coming up with anything smart or even tactful to say, it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't even remember to ask what was new with them, but it seemed okay.
(I probably stress more than most people about the little things!)
I was good blues-wise for about 2 days just on the good vibes :)
I know it will help so much if I could just get out more and overcome the isolation I've been helping to perpetrate, but it's so hard sometimes. If it's not you, it's people.
I think that may be Resolution #1 for the New Year. Sounds easy, right? It's not though! I've discussed this in support groups before, and a lot of us have the same problems. You never know how you're going to feel. Things that are totally no sweat for normal people can be a big deal, and you don't want to sound like a baby. (I went out the other night with a friend, and they were walking too fast, and in the cold I was having an even harder time than usual, so I asked them to slow down. No big deal, because they had FM too, but if they hadn't, I would fully have expected to be made fun of.)
The other great Christmas present I got (other than money towards my medical bills!) was that I got the YMCA Scholarship I needed to go work out at their gym. My lower leg muscles feel like they're wasting away! (And the upper ones getting humongous! Not w/muscle though!) So I really need to get on that. Resolution #2...
But that's another post. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and if it was as tough on you as it was for me (which I think it was for many people, even those w/o chronic illnesses) just know that a New Year starts this week and things can get better.
It just went to remind me yet again of that phrase I read in a book recently, about how when you can't work, your life becomes about relationships. And yes, many times, I've lain in bed, or sat, depressed, musing about how much more bearable my life would be if I just had more people I was close to in it, if my friends or family members would stop by and visit, even if I couldn't entertain them, if I just had people who cared enough to stop by and keep me company, get me out of my head for a bit.
But I always thought it would be hard for me to have people around when I wasn't feeling well; I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I like things just so; above all, I like people to think I'm fun, and I always dreamed of the chance to be a great hostess. How can I be fun or a good hostess lying on the couch or in bed?
I got a glimpse of what it would be like on Thanksgiving. I'd spent the morning tidying up, & finishing up my cooking, (trying not to chop my fingers off as my grandmother insisted on talking to me while I did it, and I couldn't think how to politely tell her in Spanish that I have a really hard time multi-tasking these days, lol) and by the time I started getting ready, I was exhausted. By the time my brother and his girlfriend showed up, I could barely breathe, my back hurt so much, and I knew I had to get the heating pad on it, and lie down, quick, before things got out of control.
So I invited them into my room, where I made myself comfortable on the bed & applied the heat, offered them seats, and chatted for a bit. It was actually really nice! Kept me from thinking about the pain so much, and probably, stressing about whether I'd screwed up and tired myself out too much to make it to Thanksgiving.
So then I realized, Hey, maybe I don't have to be buzzing around like a bee offering food & drink and fussing over people, maybe it IS okay to just be. That was a pretty cool realization.
So I didn't care if I was getting tired, my fog was driving me nuts making me feel like I had ADD, it was just nice to be around warm, happy, fun people, and best of all, I think they were really happy to see ME. That was the best gift. I was afraid people would be hurt or upset with me, but no such thing. And when I got asked the dreaded questions about what was new w/me & things like that...well I managed to not blurt out any portion of my whole pathetic sob story, and even though the fog kept me from coming up with anything smart or even tactful to say, it wasn't the end of the world. I didn't even remember to ask what was new with them, but it seemed okay.
(I probably stress more than most people about the little things!)
I was good blues-wise for about 2 days just on the good vibes :)
I know it will help so much if I could just get out more and overcome the isolation I've been helping to perpetrate, but it's so hard sometimes. If it's not you, it's people.
I think that may be Resolution #1 for the New Year. Sounds easy, right? It's not though! I've discussed this in support groups before, and a lot of us have the same problems. You never know how you're going to feel. Things that are totally no sweat for normal people can be a big deal, and you don't want to sound like a baby. (I went out the other night with a friend, and they were walking too fast, and in the cold I was having an even harder time than usual, so I asked them to slow down. No big deal, because they had FM too, but if they hadn't, I would fully have expected to be made fun of.)
The other great Christmas present I got (other than money towards my medical bills!) was that I got the YMCA Scholarship I needed to go work out at their gym. My lower leg muscles feel like they're wasting away! (And the upper ones getting humongous! Not w/muscle though!) So I really need to get on that. Resolution #2...
But that's another post. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and if it was as tough on you as it was for me (which I think it was for many people, even those w/o chronic illnesses) just know that a New Year starts this week and things can get better.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Not Just the Holiday Blues
As most of you know, Depression, like FM and CFS, is a true illness. It's not just a case of the blues, having a bad day, or anything like that. There are actual changes that take place in the brain, which many times, are extremely hard to undo without help.
The funny thing is, that I should know this, better than anyone.
I got to thinking, this is the 3rd Christmas in a row I've spent severely depressed. Well the 4th really, but this is the 3rd one I haven't been able to fight my way out of on my own. Something about being broke and not having any control over it at Christmastime. (I kept telling myself it wasn't Christmas, but umm...seriously, who am I kidding? Christmas before last I was so depressed I lost about 15 lbs, because all I could manage to force myself to eat was a protein shake a day, was barely hanging onto my will to live day by day,and last year, I was too sick to take one of my finals, do much for Xmas, or even go to New Year's parties, couldn't pay my rent plus had an all-around pretty bad year.)
I think the worst part this year is, that I potentially could have made some money this year, but my health has been extra unpredictable lately, leading me deeper into depression. And anger. Lately, that's how it seems to manifest itself. It's hard to want to be around anyone when you feel so dark and damaged inside. And generally, people don't want to be around you.
Anyone struggling with serious health problems, not to mention financial disaster on top of it, wouldn't be blamed for being depressed, it's almost to be expected.
The problem is, I'm not just anyone. I have a long history of chronic depression, I've been fighting that battle since I was about 14...and had gotten pretty good at it, but the truth is, I guess I was hoping I could get rid of ONE life-changing illness, so I convinced myself I just "wasn't depressed anymore" and tried to tell myself a positive attitude was enough. But what a lot of people don't know, is that just because you suffer from depression, doesn't mean you have a bad attitude. It's an illnesss. All about chemicals & stuff. Sure, a positive attitude can help keep it under control, but if your chemicals are all whacked out, just wanting to continue being alive through the psychic pain becomes like the struggle to keep your head above water when you're drowning. That's why it's an illness.
You'd think that having dealt with Depression since my early teens, I would know better than to think I was cured, or never really had a problem, or that I that it wasn't a chronic thing after all, just an episodal thing. (Granted, a lot of external problems in my life the last 15 years or so, so I guess it's not too crazy to convince myself it was just that...)
But I mean, at the age of 19, I made the conscious decision NOT to have biological children because I don't think I could forgive myself for passing my Depression on to them.
(Chances are 50-50. Yes, having your own child is a beautiful thing, but I adore children, and if it was my own, and I had to watch them go through what I've gone through with Depression, knowing full well what it's like...I'm not sure I could forgive myself. Worse yet, what if they weren't fortunate enough to survive it as I have...which really, is just barely...Forgive me if I sound melodrmatic, but this is my reality...I can't fathom gambling with the life of someone you love like that. I long ago resigned myself, happily, to adopting. Even as that possibility looks bleaker and bleaker, because of my health & financial difficulties, I can't fathom taking the chance of putting a child through that just because I want to be a mother. It just seems too selfish, knowing everything I know.)
So, if it was that bad, how did I end up in such denial?
Wellll...
I was doing well before I got sick. I was on antidepressants, and things seemed to be well under control. I remember, when I first realized the gravity of having Fibromyalgia, and the uncertainty of what it could mean to my life, I decided, I just couldn't afford to be depressed if I was going to fight it, so I made my mind up to be positive above all.
Well...you can be positive all you want, but that doesn't mean an illness is going to go away. And being positive? Hmm, funny how closely that resembles being in denial after a certain point...
Also, people mistake being depressed for being negative. Of course you're going to be depressed if you're a negative person, right?
Well, I think I'm a pretty positive person. The problem is, when I'm depressed, my chemicals go all crazy. You get to a point where you just absolutely can't find the silver linings. Can't be grateful for what you have. Can't climb out on your own.
It's a lot like Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar. Only for me it's like being inside this black brick box. I can't get to the happy thoughts. I'm suffocating back there, inside the black box. I know the happy thoughts, the happy place, is on the other side. But it's sooo dark it suffocates, I can't even make out the outlines of the memories of them, and the wall is so tall you can't see the top, so you just sit down by a wall and try to breathe, to hang on for another moment, another hour, another day, trying to keep from losing your grip on wanting to be alive, and if a crack should open up in the wall, you sit right so the light hits you, and start doggedly pounding away at the wall for a bigger hole. But it's a a really thick, brick wall...all around. Sometimes it goes away, but it doesn't take much for it to come back when you're already low.
You wish someone would come and help you, but you feel guilty, because you know the darkness is toxic, that it almost seems to rub off if they're not careful, and besides, hardly anyone has ever tried to help. It's like the darkness repels, repulses, and you're there, feeling alone and dark and damaged, and wary of even asking for help from anyone who isn't paid.
So I guess my point is...denial is a bad place, and even if you don't have a history of chronic depression, if it's a new thing, treat it.
It doesn't help matters any to try and be a tough guy.
(I know I don't look forward to adding another pill to my collection, but...)
I'm sure the holidays wouldn't be hitting me so hard if I hadn't waited so long to get treated for my depression. Just because you don't hear voices or see things that aren't there doesn't mean you don't have a serious illness, and a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I guess I should know better. I'm just so worn out...
I've made an appointment to see an M.D....Not till January though, so I may have to find another doctor who can see me sooner. For now I'm upping my 5-HTP (which seemed to be helping, until I ran out for a week, seems like the story of my life lately!) maybe I'll see how much a bottle of St. John's Wort is...I'd much rather be taking something I'm familiar with and under the supervision of a doctor.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep fighting off that box the best I can.
The funny thing is, that I should know this, better than anyone.
I got to thinking, this is the 3rd Christmas in a row I've spent severely depressed. Well the 4th really, but this is the 3rd one I haven't been able to fight my way out of on my own. Something about being broke and not having any control over it at Christmastime. (I kept telling myself it wasn't Christmas, but umm...seriously, who am I kidding? Christmas before last I was so depressed I lost about 15 lbs, because all I could manage to force myself to eat was a protein shake a day, was barely hanging onto my will to live day by day,and last year, I was too sick to take one of my finals, do much for Xmas, or even go to New Year's parties, couldn't pay my rent plus had an all-around pretty bad year.)
I think the worst part this year is, that I potentially could have made some money this year, but my health has been extra unpredictable lately, leading me deeper into depression. And anger. Lately, that's how it seems to manifest itself. It's hard to want to be around anyone when you feel so dark and damaged inside. And generally, people don't want to be around you.
Anyone struggling with serious health problems, not to mention financial disaster on top of it, wouldn't be blamed for being depressed, it's almost to be expected.
The problem is, I'm not just anyone. I have a long history of chronic depression, I've been fighting that battle since I was about 14...and had gotten pretty good at it, but the truth is, I guess I was hoping I could get rid of ONE life-changing illness, so I convinced myself I just "wasn't depressed anymore" and tried to tell myself a positive attitude was enough. But what a lot of people don't know, is that just because you suffer from depression, doesn't mean you have a bad attitude. It's an illnesss. All about chemicals & stuff. Sure, a positive attitude can help keep it under control, but if your chemicals are all whacked out, just wanting to continue being alive through the psychic pain becomes like the struggle to keep your head above water when you're drowning. That's why it's an illness.
You'd think that having dealt with Depression since my early teens, I would know better than to think I was cured, or never really had a problem, or that I that it wasn't a chronic thing after all, just an episodal thing. (Granted, a lot of external problems in my life the last 15 years or so, so I guess it's not too crazy to convince myself it was just that...)
But I mean, at the age of 19, I made the conscious decision NOT to have biological children because I don't think I could forgive myself for passing my Depression on to them.
(Chances are 50-50. Yes, having your own child is a beautiful thing, but I adore children, and if it was my own, and I had to watch them go through what I've gone through with Depression, knowing full well what it's like...I'm not sure I could forgive myself. Worse yet, what if they weren't fortunate enough to survive it as I have...which really, is just barely...Forgive me if I sound melodrmatic, but this is my reality...I can't fathom gambling with the life of someone you love like that. I long ago resigned myself, happily, to adopting. Even as that possibility looks bleaker and bleaker, because of my health & financial difficulties, I can't fathom taking the chance of putting a child through that just because I want to be a mother. It just seems too selfish, knowing everything I know.)
So, if it was that bad, how did I end up in such denial?
Wellll...
I was doing well before I got sick. I was on antidepressants, and things seemed to be well under control. I remember, when I first realized the gravity of having Fibromyalgia, and the uncertainty of what it could mean to my life, I decided, I just couldn't afford to be depressed if I was going to fight it, so I made my mind up to be positive above all.
Well...you can be positive all you want, but that doesn't mean an illness is going to go away. And being positive? Hmm, funny how closely that resembles being in denial after a certain point...
Also, people mistake being depressed for being negative. Of course you're going to be depressed if you're a negative person, right?
Well, I think I'm a pretty positive person. The problem is, when I'm depressed, my chemicals go all crazy. You get to a point where you just absolutely can't find the silver linings. Can't be grateful for what you have. Can't climb out on your own.
It's a lot like Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar. Only for me it's like being inside this black brick box. I can't get to the happy thoughts. I'm suffocating back there, inside the black box. I know the happy thoughts, the happy place, is on the other side. But it's sooo dark it suffocates, I can't even make out the outlines of the memories of them, and the wall is so tall you can't see the top, so you just sit down by a wall and try to breathe, to hang on for another moment, another hour, another day, trying to keep from losing your grip on wanting to be alive, and if a crack should open up in the wall, you sit right so the light hits you, and start doggedly pounding away at the wall for a bigger hole. But it's a a really thick, brick wall...all around. Sometimes it goes away, but it doesn't take much for it to come back when you're already low.
You wish someone would come and help you, but you feel guilty, because you know the darkness is toxic, that it almost seems to rub off if they're not careful, and besides, hardly anyone has ever tried to help. It's like the darkness repels, repulses, and you're there, feeling alone and dark and damaged, and wary of even asking for help from anyone who isn't paid.
So I guess my point is...denial is a bad place, and even if you don't have a history of chronic depression, if it's a new thing, treat it.
It doesn't help matters any to try and be a tough guy.
(I know I don't look forward to adding another pill to my collection, but...)
I'm sure the holidays wouldn't be hitting me so hard if I hadn't waited so long to get treated for my depression. Just because you don't hear voices or see things that aren't there doesn't mean you don't have a serious illness, and a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I guess I should know better. I'm just so worn out...
I've made an appointment to see an M.D....Not till January though, so I may have to find another doctor who can see me sooner. For now I'm upping my 5-HTP (which seemed to be helping, until I ran out for a week, seems like the story of my life lately!) maybe I'll see how much a bottle of St. John's Wort is...I'd much rather be taking something I'm familiar with and under the supervision of a doctor.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep fighting off that box the best I can.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Another Tough Day
I'm so frustrated with these symptoms. Today, I slept until the phone ringing woke me up at 12:30! Even for me, that's a bit much. I must've been tired. And this is the one day I have nothing scheduled, so I wasn't worried about it.
I got up, made something quick to eat, came to check my e-mail & Facebook, checked out some new articles from the NFA, and that's about all the time I had, an hour or so, before I felt my body telling me I needed to get horizontal. It just seemed like too much though. After an hour? So I resisted the urge to lie down and kept doing stuff. My reward: a racing heart, more heart palpitations. After checking my BP & pulse and finding my pulse was 118, I decided to lie down. Besides, my shoulders were burning w/discomfort already too, calling for my heating pad, or massage pad (but that involved my sitting up, so I went w/the heat).
So frustrating. I put on a show, commercial free of course, because otherwise I'd zone out during the commercials and start thinking too much or thinking of things that needed to be done. But it didn't make a difference.
I got to thinking about Christmas. I feel so left out of it all...Yet another year with no Christmas tree, no Christmas shopping, no opening the presents at midnight Christmas Eve surrounded by family, seeing their faces when they see what you got them, or dancing until late in the night. Hell, I'd settle for watching people dance until late in the night. Just to be around that kind of happiness would be nice.
I start thinking what I could do, and problem solving mode tells me, Well throw your own party! Oh wait. Broke. Have hundreds of dollars of medical bills I need to pay, and can't even do that.
And THAT is the main problem. Money. I've tried as hard as I could to work around my illness, but I can't keep it up. This last week alone, I've spent every day either doing something; running crucial errands, going to appointments, or in bed, trying to rest this thing out. I keep thinking there has to be a way to fix it all. I'm already doing the best I can though.
I just keep encountering one roadblock after another, and my mind & my spirit are worn out, sometimes it feels like I can barely think straight anymore, and my emotions are bossing me around, I just don't have the strength to summon up to be strong and sensible and stop the negative thought patterns. Two years ago, I could manage to pull the silver linings out of anything...but they seem to be all used up.
I've just about used up all the hope I had in me it seems. I don't believe next year will be any better, that hasn't worked in too long.
Well, I got a good useful talking to and managed to stop thinking so much, and things didn't seem as bad. I'm still torn though. Part of me is half convinced I should get over not feeling well and do something to either make some money, or at least get out and spend some time in the outside world. If that makes it worse, then the bright side is, I may finally have proof convincing enough for the government to believe I'm ill enough for them to help me. But on the other hand, I don't like people seeing me ill.
I remember one of the last Christmases I had that was good, shortly before I had to quit working full-time, I'd been going downhill for weeks, but I'd met this guy, and was really into him. So when he asked me to go to the mall with him, and help him do his Christmas shopping, I totally said yes. I was exhausted, but I had been for weeks, so I just pushed myself, but I guess all the makeup and the cute clothes didn't hide it. I broke out in a sweat and I guess I was probably pretty pale, honestly, I think I was having trouble catching my breath too, but wasn't saying anything. He noticed though, and made me sit down, was very concerned. I just said maybe I needed to eat, and he got me some food, and I think took me home after that. It didn't end well.
Ha. Maybe that's why I'm not too excited about dating these days. And my answer about trying to push myself. So much guilt with these illnesses. It seems so ridiculous to get so tired so easily...Worse, when no one seems to see that you need a helping hand. It's like being in purgatory. So torn between what to do. Always second-guessing myself. I've gotten better, but it's still hard. I had someone tell me today I should try exercising. Right. My heart is all whacky, I keep getting tired for no reason am in pain and having an overwhelming urge to lie down and I should go jump on a treadmill? It's enough to make you want to do it, just to prove that it was a bad idea. But really, I'd be the main one to suffer from that.
So anyways, I had been doing better with the not thinking so much stuff, really!
This is so definitely a rant.
Maybe if I'm good, and rest, and stop thinking, I'll be well enough to celebrate New Year's. I think that will be my happy thought. Haven't been to a good party in awhile...
Off to watch yet another episode of Fringe. It's my answer to the demise of The 4400. Thank bro.
I got up, made something quick to eat, came to check my e-mail & Facebook, checked out some new articles from the NFA, and that's about all the time I had, an hour or so, before I felt my body telling me I needed to get horizontal. It just seemed like too much though. After an hour? So I resisted the urge to lie down and kept doing stuff. My reward: a racing heart, more heart palpitations. After checking my BP & pulse and finding my pulse was 118, I decided to lie down. Besides, my shoulders were burning w/discomfort already too, calling for my heating pad, or massage pad (but that involved my sitting up, so I went w/the heat).
So frustrating. I put on a show, commercial free of course, because otherwise I'd zone out during the commercials and start thinking too much or thinking of things that needed to be done. But it didn't make a difference.
I got to thinking about Christmas. I feel so left out of it all...Yet another year with no Christmas tree, no Christmas shopping, no opening the presents at midnight Christmas Eve surrounded by family, seeing their faces when they see what you got them, or dancing until late in the night. Hell, I'd settle for watching people dance until late in the night. Just to be around that kind of happiness would be nice.
I start thinking what I could do, and problem solving mode tells me, Well throw your own party! Oh wait. Broke. Have hundreds of dollars of medical bills I need to pay, and can't even do that.
And THAT is the main problem. Money. I've tried as hard as I could to work around my illness, but I can't keep it up. This last week alone, I've spent every day either doing something; running crucial errands, going to appointments, or in bed, trying to rest this thing out. I keep thinking there has to be a way to fix it all. I'm already doing the best I can though.
I just keep encountering one roadblock after another, and my mind & my spirit are worn out, sometimes it feels like I can barely think straight anymore, and my emotions are bossing me around, I just don't have the strength to summon up to be strong and sensible and stop the negative thought patterns. Two years ago, I could manage to pull the silver linings out of anything...but they seem to be all used up.
I've just about used up all the hope I had in me it seems. I don't believe next year will be any better, that hasn't worked in too long.
Well, I got a good useful talking to and managed to stop thinking so much, and things didn't seem as bad. I'm still torn though. Part of me is half convinced I should get over not feeling well and do something to either make some money, or at least get out and spend some time in the outside world. If that makes it worse, then the bright side is, I may finally have proof convincing enough for the government to believe I'm ill enough for them to help me. But on the other hand, I don't like people seeing me ill.
I remember one of the last Christmases I had that was good, shortly before I had to quit working full-time, I'd been going downhill for weeks, but I'd met this guy, and was really into him. So when he asked me to go to the mall with him, and help him do his Christmas shopping, I totally said yes. I was exhausted, but I had been for weeks, so I just pushed myself, but I guess all the makeup and the cute clothes didn't hide it. I broke out in a sweat and I guess I was probably pretty pale, honestly, I think I was having trouble catching my breath too, but wasn't saying anything. He noticed though, and made me sit down, was very concerned. I just said maybe I needed to eat, and he got me some food, and I think took me home after that. It didn't end well.
Ha. Maybe that's why I'm not too excited about dating these days. And my answer about trying to push myself. So much guilt with these illnesses. It seems so ridiculous to get so tired so easily...Worse, when no one seems to see that you need a helping hand. It's like being in purgatory. So torn between what to do. Always second-guessing myself. I've gotten better, but it's still hard. I had someone tell me today I should try exercising. Right. My heart is all whacky, I keep getting tired for no reason am in pain and having an overwhelming urge to lie down and I should go jump on a treadmill? It's enough to make you want to do it, just to prove that it was a bad idea. But really, I'd be the main one to suffer from that.
So anyways, I had been doing better with the not thinking so much stuff, really!
This is so definitely a rant.
Maybe if I'm good, and rest, and stop thinking, I'll be well enough to celebrate New Year's. I think that will be my happy thought. Haven't been to a good party in awhile...
Off to watch yet another episode of Fringe. It's my answer to the demise of The 4400. Thank bro.
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