Rollercoaster

How ironic, just as I typed up that title, I remembered I had a dream last night about riding rollercoasters! (Something I don't think I will probably do again, as much as I'd love to, because I used to already feel so sore before I got sick, and between FM and my neck problems, I doubt my doctors would approve.) Man, it was a creative dream...like some kind of reality contest show, and we took a trip to Disneyland, or Knotts Berry Farm or something and all kinds of craziness ensued. My dreams are pretty amazing, the brain is an mysteriously fabulous thing, cuz I can't count the number of times I've woken up thinking, "Wow, that would make an AWESOME movie!"

But I digress.

And now I regress to my point. The rollercoaster day.

Well it started at the bottom. I didn't want to get out of bed. I woke up and my soul felt like something was trying to smother it. It's a feeling like you're suffocating inside. It's hard to explain, but suffice it to say, it is a very, very awful feeling. And it seems to do away with your willpower. I felt okay, but I just had no desire to get anything done, and I ALWAYS have something I want to get done...
If I hadn't woken up with my stomach physically starving, I don't think I would have eaten, I didn't feel like it, I only did to stop the stomach pain.
And like I said, everything is a mess and I feel so overwhelmed. Unlike previously, I know there's nothing to do. It's kind of scary, because it's so desperately awful a feeling, that I want to scream. Maybe like a long-term panic attack maybe? Weeks before my hearing, and I feel like I want to check out, like it's not worth it to battle this same stifling force day in and day out for something that isn't a sure thing. It occurs to me that it would be quite ironic if I left right before my life became worth living, and it makes me laugh, because I feel so cynical and bitter inside. And apathetic. A really awful apathy, so hard to attack & break through. I try and tempt myself with thoughts of productive tasks, but nothing appeals to me. And it's weird, because while I'm trying to think how to make it better, which means finding out what is causing it, well, I think I already know all the causes, and they're all out of my control for now. Also, I know there's no point in reaching out. I've been here before. My mother would end up getting upset with ME for stressing her out, making it all about her, and just all around make things a million times worse. My brother, can never be bothered (I've begged him at times to come spend some time with me when I've been bed-ridden or really down, unsuccessfully) and/or will tell my Mom (of course, leading to a freak out & her calling & yelling at me) and my Dad is too wrapped up in his love-life and avoiding reality, he could barely be bothered to sit with me when I was homebound and bedridden, and he's been pretty much seeing right through me for the last couple of years. (With the exception of when he wanted to use my car to take his "friends" out, and didn't want to take no for an answer.) Friends, don't understand that their bubbly formerly party-loving friend really IS sick, and/or are too busy with their own lives to make the trip. I dare not ask or expect anything from any of them because I already know better, having it thrown in my face would only devestate me more. It's so strange, I've never understood. It's like that song from Grey's Anatomy: "I'd have stayed up with you all night, had I known, how to save a life..." But I really think that's something people only say that when it's too late. To make things worse, I'm not one of those people. I've saved a life. I've kept a friend company for 72 hours straight to make sure she'd be okay before. I don't understand how people can not understand how little it takes. When someone is down, they don't even usually need THAT much attention. Just hang out with them for awhile, make them laugh. Give them a hug. Bring them a wildflower, or Starbucks, lol. (Ok, well not Starbucks for me, can't have caffeine.) Or have dinner with them. Anyhow, I know better than to sit and get more upset because no one cares, cuz it doesn't stop the pain, it just makes it worse.

Finally I remembered a phone call I should make, do that, and got busy sending some faxes, and playing with my MRI scans on the computer. (I made a movie slideshow, and exported them as graphic files, too, woo! But I was still feeling choked and stifled, just going through the motions.

I've been dying to go to the gym for days now...My butt is huger than it's ever been, EVER! I have to admit I'm getting truly overweight. I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder, cuz I've done nothing but eat for days before today. I can't fit into my pants, but can't stop eating. Well, it did help that I realized that Vitamin B-12 makes me ravenous. I thought the hunger felt weird, like some kind of psuedo-hunger, yet not at all like I wanted to eat as a distraction or to cheer myself up.
But, yes, back to the gym. I wanted to go, but I felt like I couldn't make myself.

So desperately, I started looking on YouTube for any Chakra Clearing or Reiki Meditations in hopes of some healing. I burned some sage, to cleanse the space and my chakras...and then I did the Beat Fatigue Yoga DVD, and finally felt reasonably balanced and lighter, clearer. I tooked a nice hot shower, did some dishes (Been putting if off because of my wrist, but hey, my wrist isn't getting any better anyway.) I put away some laundry, too. Wonderful. Feel so much better now. It's a good thing my meds have me falling asleep though, cuz I fear waking up tomorrow to the same thing and might not have gone to sleep for hours...Well wish me luck.

Apathy and Houseguests

I've been feeling so worn out lately. Not just physically, but spiritually as well. I'm maxed out on Zoloft, but I think I may still be depressed. It's weird, there's no rhyme or reason to it...Friday I had to lie down about a dozen times or more before finally being down for the count. (Dysautonomia I guess, still waiting to find out if it could actually be a Thyroid disorder; my T4 came out low, BUT I was having all the symptoms of HYPER-thyroidism: rapid heartrate, hair falling out 10 times worse than usual, gaining & losing weight rapidly, being too hyper to relax even though i was burnt out, dry skin and nails...I checked and it is possible to have both if you have a Thyroid Disorder.)

I got up this morning, and for the life of me, I did not feel like doing anything. I even skipped my meds, which I usually take the second I get up. I can't handle being completely useless though, so I went & took them, made myself breakfast, & after a break, took a shower. So much to do around the house, but I got overwhelmed just thinking about doing anything, so I decided it would be enough just to get myself past this dip and keep myself from falling further into a funk.

I ended up just feeling stressed out. I thought of driving to the beach, taking an impromptu trip to see my peeps in L.A., but in the end, all I ended up doing is dropping off some books at the library, and picking up a few things at the dollar store.

I had spent some time on the computer, but the ergonomic mouse I borrowed from my Dad sets off my tricep pain, which totally stressed me out, too much fighting going on...fighting to keep my mood from falling, fighting my body wanting to lie down, fighting to ignore the pain and concentrate on the other two, while cajoling myself into doing something productive.

Things seemed a little better after I got home though.

And then I was having a nice conversation with my Dad, and he springs on me that we are going to be having a houseguest next month. I knew that, and I was warily looking forward to it. (I don't know if this person likes me much, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to be a very good hostess...) I LOVE being a hostess, and hardly ever get the chance to do it. But on my own pretty much? This was going to mean getting up at a decent hour every day, making breakfast, cleaning up...Stuff I barely manage for myself, okay, actually, don't manage very well at all...but still, I was willing to try. I'm dying for some company, and have been dying to get to show people around my new county...It gorgeous here and I love sharing it...and unfortunately, haven't gotten the chance to do it yet, really with any of my closest friends or family because a 40 minute drive is just too much for them...(That's another story though.)

Then today I find out it's not going to be a couple days to a week, like I'd assumed...but possibly 2-3 MONTHS! WHAT?!? And no one thought to ask me if I could handle this? WTH? I explained the drawbacks to this for me...I'm one of those people who needs alone time to recharge, even before I was sick. Plus, well, I have a hard time seeing people when I'm feeling really bad...I mean, lately, I've often thought about what I wouldn't give to have someone visit me, especially on days when I'm practically glued to the bed...but unless I was violently ill, I'd have to make sure the place was relatively clean and tidy, and even if I was violently ill, I'd probably put on a fresh pair of PJs and do my makeup, make my hair presentable, if only in a ponytail...

It's this bizzare personality quirk I have a I guess...I don't mind telling people all about my illness, but I don't really want them to see it. It's like a dirty little secret or something. I just feel very self-conscious, most of all when I'm in pain. Then there's all that guilt, too. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Sympathy, kindness, and consideration would be nice, but pity, no. And I feel weird asking for help, or letting on that I can't handle something that I know shouldn't be a problem for someone my age...I feel like they'll think I'm being a baby and presume I'm lying. (Which has been known to happen!)

So anyways, the idea of having a houseguest for months seems pretty overwhelming. My Dad says there are other alternatives, but now I already feel like the bad guy. One more thing that I should be able to do that I can't.

Well, hopefully he'll handle it tactfully for once. And who knows, it might end up being nice to have company...either way, I'm a little nervous about the whole thing...but I guess it's too late now...just amazes me that none of these problems were taken into account, I wasn't taken into account, or consulted on the matter...

I have GOT to start looking at affordable housing apartment complexes & got on their waiting lists. The second I get my SSDI approved, I'm out. The fewer stressors I have, the better, so if I can be free of my dysfunctional family dynamic, that would be GREAT...

More about Depression

Found this cool site when I Googled St. John's Wort/Hypericum.
It describes the different types of depression. Gives tips for helping (or just not making things worse) and even has some eye-opening tidbits about Celebrities & Depression.

Ha, I liked the whole Existential Depression bit. Not just cuz it hits the nail on the head (except I was actually pretty happy w/my job before I got sick.)
Freud always make me laugh. Only this time, he makes sense, too!

Existential Depression
Existential depression is thought to be brought on by a crisis of meaning or purpose in one's life. Any significant transition, especially a change of roles in family or work, can trigger this crisis in meaning. A well-known account of existential depression occurred in the life of the famous Russian novelist Leo Tolstoi. In mid-life, while enjoying health, wealth, and great literary fame, Tolstoi fell into a deep despair as he asked himself, "Is this all there is?" Out of his quest for something more, Tolstoi underwent a religious conversion and formulated a philosophy of nonviolence, renunciation of wealth, self-improvement through physical work, and nonparticipation in institutions that created social injustice. Tolstoi's ideas had a profound influence on many social reformers, including Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.

The importance of dealing with existential issues should not be underestimated. A number of clinicians have reported that depression (as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) has a strong connection with a person's lack of success in finding his passion-i.e., not being involved in work/activities that feed the core self. After all, Sigmund Freud defined mental health as "the ability to work and to love." If either of these two essential needs is missing, even a person with normal brain chemistry is going to feel out of kilter.

I thought this was a really nice link too: 23 Best Things to Say to Someone Who is Depressed

Not Just the Holiday Blues

As most of you know, Depression, like FM and CFS, is a true illness. It's not just a case of the blues, having a bad day, or anything like that. There are actual changes that take place in the brain, which many times, are extremely hard to undo without help.
The funny thing is, that I should know this, better than anyone.

I got to thinking, this is the 3rd Christmas in a row I've spent severely depressed. Well the 4th really, but this is the 3rd one I haven't been able to fight my way out of on my own. Something about being broke and not having any control over it at Christmastime. (I kept telling myself it wasn't Christmas, but umm...seriously, who am I kidding? Christmas before last I was so depressed I lost about 15 lbs, because all I could manage to force myself to eat was a protein shake a day, was barely hanging onto my will to live day by day,and last year, I was too sick to take one of my finals, do much for Xmas, or even go to New Year's parties, couldn't pay my rent plus had an all-around pretty bad year.)
I think the worst part this year is, that I potentially could have made some money this year, but my health has been extra unpredictable lately, leading me deeper into depression. And anger. Lately, that's how it seems to manifest itself. It's hard to want to be around anyone when you feel so dark and damaged inside. And generally, people don't want to be around you.

Anyone struggling with serious health problems, not to mention financial disaster on top of it, wouldn't be blamed for being depressed, it's almost to be expected.

The problem is, I'm not just anyone. I have a long history of chronic depression, I've been fighting that battle since I was about 14...and had gotten pretty good at it, but the truth is, I guess I was hoping I could get rid of ONE life-changing illness, so I convinced myself I just "wasn't depressed anymore" and tried to tell myself a positive attitude was enough. But what a lot of people don't know, is that just because you suffer from depression, doesn't mean you have a bad attitude. It's an illnesss. All about chemicals & stuff. Sure, a positive attitude can help keep it under control, but if your chemicals are all whacked out, just wanting to continue being alive through the psychic pain becomes like the struggle to keep your head above water when you're drowning. That's why it's an illness.

You'd think that having dealt with Depression since my early teens, I would know better than to think I was cured, or never really had a problem, or that I that it wasn't a chronic thing after all, just an episodal thing. (Granted, a lot of external problems in my life the last 15 years or so, so I guess it's not too crazy to convince myself it was just that...)
But I mean, at the age of 19, I made the conscious decision NOT to have biological children because I don't think I could forgive myself for passing my Depression on to them.
(Chances are 50-50. Yes, having your own child is a beautiful thing, but I adore children, and if it was my own, and I had to watch them go through what I've gone through with Depression, knowing full well what it's like...I'm not sure I could forgive myself. Worse yet, what if they weren't fortunate enough to survive it as I have...which really, is just barely...Forgive me if I sound melodrmatic, but this is my reality...I can't fathom gambling with the life of someone you love like that. I long ago resigned myself, happily, to adopting. Even as that possibility looks bleaker and bleaker, because of my health & financial difficulties, I can't fathom taking the chance of putting a child through that just because I want to be a mother. It just seems too selfish, knowing everything I know.)

So, if it was that bad, how did I end up in such denial?
Wellll...
I was doing well before I got sick. I was on antidepressants, and things seemed to be well under control. I remember, when I first realized the gravity of having Fibromyalgia, and the uncertainty of what it could mean to my life, I decided, I just couldn't afford to be depressed if I was going to fight it, so I made my mind up to be positive above all.

Well...you can be positive all you want, but that doesn't mean an illness is going to go away. And being positive? Hmm, funny how closely that resembles being in denial after a certain point...
Also, people mistake being depressed for being negative. Of course you're going to be depressed if you're a negative person, right?
Well, I think I'm a pretty positive person. The problem is, when I'm depressed, my chemicals go all crazy. You get to a point where you just absolutely can't find the silver linings. Can't be grateful for what you have. Can't climb out on your own.
It's a lot like Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar. Only for me it's like being inside this black brick box. I can't get to the happy thoughts. I'm suffocating back there, inside the black box. I know the happy thoughts, the happy place, is on the other side. But it's sooo dark it suffocates, I can't even make out the outlines of the memories of them, and the wall is so tall you can't see the top, so you just sit down by a wall and try to breathe, to hang on for another moment, another hour, another day, trying to keep from losing your grip on wanting to be alive, and if a crack should open up in the wall, you sit right so the light hits you, and start doggedly pounding away at the wall for a bigger hole. But it's a a really thick, brick wall...all around. Sometimes it goes away, but it doesn't take much for it to come back when you're already low.

You wish someone would come and help you, but you feel guilty, because you know the darkness is toxic, that it almost seems to rub off if they're not careful, and besides, hardly anyone has ever tried to help. It's like the darkness repels, repulses, and you're there, feeling alone and dark and damaged, and wary of even asking for help from anyone who isn't paid.

So I guess my point is...denial is a bad place, and even if you don't have a history of chronic depression, if it's a new thing, treat it.
It doesn't help matters any to try and be a tough guy.
(I know I don't look forward to adding another pill to my collection, but...)

I'm sure the holidays wouldn't be hitting me so hard if I hadn't waited so long to get treated for my depression. Just because you don't hear voices or see things that aren't there doesn't mean you don't have a serious illness, and a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. I guess I should know better. I'm just so worn out...

I've made an appointment to see an M.D....Not till January though, so I may have to find another doctor who can see me sooner. For now I'm upping my 5-HTP (which seemed to be helping, until I ran out for a week, seems like the story of my life lately!) maybe I'll see how much a bottle of St. John's Wort is...I'd much rather be taking something I'm familiar with and under the supervision of a doctor.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep fighting off that box the best I can.

New Issue of Fibromyalgia Aware Magazine out

This really is an impressive publication. I had never gotten a chance to have it until I got some cheap at a support group this year, but now that I've read it, and see how see the quality of the research and articles in it, and how well it addresses the reality of living with FM, I will definitely be saving the few buck for it. It's my understanding they sell them at CVS stores. Check it out this is some info on the latest issue:



from the FMAware.org Site:
The National Fibromyalgia Association has released the newest issue of Fibromyalgia AWARE, the first and only consumer magazine dedicated to the disorder. The issue (Winter 2008 Vol. 18) includes a special section on fibro-friendly exercises.


Featured stories in Vol. 18 include:

* Effective Skills to Relax the Body
* Guidelines for Stretching
* Gentle Body Movements
* Growth Hormones & FM
* Lyme Disease and FM
* Finding a Support Group that’s Right for You
* Research Explores Causes of FM
* Dealing with FM-Related Suicide Thoughts
* Choosing the Right Shoe
* And more

See full text here: http://www.fmaware.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=8073