A Better Day

Today actually went pretty well. I finally got a chance to practice pacing, and I think it was helpful.

I woke up, drank even more water than usual, and had some salt. I lucked out, in that the laptop was forgotten today, so I got to recline in bed while checking my e-mail (I think sitting up at my desktop pc to do that yesterday is what did me in, definitely what triggered the tachycardia, possibly along w/hormonal changes).

I expected total madness when I hit the stores, but lucked out; I decided ahead of time that I was going to get a gocart, since I had returns to do and that involved standing in line, which kills me. (I don't faint, but I feel really, really ill if I stand in lines for even a couple of minutes...my back gets really stiff as well, and hurts after just a few minutes.)

I lucked out though, no wait at Tar-jay, and I did do the gocart thing at WalMart, though I felt like a huge dork, all made up and healthy-looking, I got some stares, especially from peopole my age, and I could imagine what they were thinking, but I just smiled or looked away...and it worked, I got the stuff I'd been dreaded all taken care of and wasn't completely exhausted for a change; so nice!

I lucked out with parking, too, now that I think of it, it wasn't looking good, even the handicapped spaces were all taken at both stores, but I got great parking at both stores in the end...

I even made it to a 3rd store, and the doctor (though that was fruitless, as he wasn't there...) and was only worn out when I got home from carrying my bags and coats inside. I was planning on having a nice glass of wine, as a glass of beer had a great effect on me last week, but I ended up having to take a Neurontin for some excruciating cramping; even that worked out, it helped, and it didn't make me sleepy like I expected, perhaps just relaxed :)

I cooked up a quick egg dish for dinner, tidied up a tiny bit, and gave the cat a good, long overdue brushing, which finally did wear me out. It still seems ridiculous that such an easy task could wear me out...of course, I did have to do a little extra because of the allergies...brought the air filter in from the other room, and wore a mask (just the dander from petting her with my foot started my nasal passages swelling, soo...)

Ah, this all sounds so silly even to me, so mundane, but I'm so grateful. OH!
And I did realize a cool thing today, my brain fog is SO much better. It's like someone removed the cotton candy that was clogging it all up and everything runs smoothly...I'm not running around with my forehead wrinkled constantly trying to hang onto every thought lest it disappear before I was done with it. It was so incredibly exhausting! I don't know if it's a result of my social isolation, forced rest, Oxymatrine/immune modulators, or what, but I am so grateful.
I hadn't realized how much better it had gotten until I had a bad fog day a few weeks back and I just wanted to cry...it was so stressful, and every little darn thing was so difficult because I kept forgetting what I was doing, where I was going, what I needed to do or take to get there...and then it hit me that it used to be like that ALL the time, and I don't know how I lived like that...

I watched an episode of a TV show called "Fringe" last night; it's a Sci-Fi show, and this man who'd been in a mental hospital suddenly "went sane" after having something surgically removed from his brain, and he was describing how it felt, and he said, "It was just like ah, suddenly...Free..."
That's what it's like without the awful cognitive dysfunction, I can just think and do and function freely, without feeling like my brain is cramping up from the effort, everything's running smoothly instead of bumper to bumper traffic to hold onto and retrieve thoughts!

Yay :)

Pace Yourself

Easier said than done right?

Well for me, this has been a huge issue lately. I guess I crashed a couple months back, kinda have to face it, now. It seems odd, because I never seemed to crash like most people with CFS & FM do. If I really pushed it, I might be out of commission for a a couple days, a few at most, and rarely. (Unless you count the 3 occasions when I crashed after going back to work for a few months.) This time, it seems endless, and I'm being faced with the fact that I'm NOT going back to normal anytime soon.

Monday, it took just a trip to the drugstore and browsing through their clearance items, and looking for a supplement to set me off into a downhill spiral. By the time I was on the way to my car, I was feeling woozy, seeing spots, sweating, heart was racing, out of breath, and I'd be willing to bet my blood pressure was plummeting. I rested for a couple of minutes, and unwisely talked myself into going to the next store. I ended up lying down in the car for about 30 minutes, went in, and barely made through the checkoutline before I broke into a sweat and collapsed into the car again. Tuesday I felt like hell. The next days were better; as long as I did next to nothing. Any activity (even getting dressed) left me breathless and weak with my heart racing and exhausted. My blood pressure was having trouble staying up, and the head rushes were getting so persistent that I started getting headaches.

Today, I was frustrated and a bit depressed, and finally decided, screw it. I'm just going to stay in bed all day! (After a brief sojourn on the living room recliner w/the laptop.) I was upset, but finally, after a good free-write and some soothing meditation music, I gave in. It felt good, and I ended up embracing it. I started thinking, hmm. Maybe this is what the doctors meant by resting...Two doctors have told me that. Take it easy. REST. I'm not good at resting though. I feel guilty when I rest. (I think I possibly feel guilty for being alive if I get nothing "useful" accomplished, but...)

Then I read this article titled Find Your Limits - How to Put the Push-Crash Cycle Behind You.
Just the title intrigued me, because I've often lately come to the realization that I don't KNOW how to pace myself, I can't get a handle on it, because I keep trying to be normal, but I HAVE no normal these days...

This article makes things far clearer though; it really makes a lot of sense. Apparently the author runs a website and has courses on pacing and dealing with Chronic Illness. They're not free of course; but if it can help me get a handle on things...maybe it's worth it.

Hmm. I had a realization. I feel kind of ridiculous doing nothing. I'm trying to get over it. Just to see. (Or maybe it's my way of saying SCREW YOU, I can't do what I want, so I'll do NOTHING!) It's occurred to me that maybe part of me doesn't believe I'm sick, because people around me don't seem to (and maybe that's the answer to all the questions I've been asking lately?).