The Question Rises. Again

And the question is: Do I try and go back to work.
The same old question.

Right now, I'm not working, because I don't feel well enough. I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of making myself sicker everytime I try and hold down a regular job, or in the case of the last few months I lived on my own, trying to survive and keep a roof over my head.

Oh, I've made a couple of attempts to start a home-based business. But I get so overwhelmed with the ups and downs (I believe my adrenals are extremely fatigued, and my Central Nervous System gets over-aroused far too easily, been doing some research on that, which I will share soon)I end up giving up.

I've been trying to be patient and hang my hopes on the idea that my Social Security Disability could come through any time, and then I'll have all the money I need to seriously pursue holistic treatments that have helped in the past, try some new ones, and (here's the key) actually have the means to see them through to the end. ("The End" being my being cured, or at the very last well enough to work enough to make the money to maintain that level of wellness.)

But lately, I see myself declining in a whole new manner. It's not so much depression, as it seems to be a spiritual poisoning of sorts. I've come so far in other ways. I've progressed by leaps and bounds as far as acceptance goes. I've let go of the misplaced shame and judgment I'd felt at not being able to overcome my health problems and lead a normal life. I've felt much more like me than I had in years. But I'm so angry inside so much of the time, and the dynamics of the environment I'm living in is so warped, I feel as if it's a sort of darkness that is invading my soul, eating it up, and could ultimately destroy and warp the essence of all that is good in me if I don't take action to stop it.

My intuition tells me I need some energy healing. Experience tells me I need some adrenal supplements, which seemed to be helping a couple of weeks ago. I'm so anxious lately, like a generalized sort of anxiety, I've botched my diet...I probably bought $80 worth of junk food with my grocery money and ate it all in a week. It made me feel better. (Can you say headed for an eating disorder?)My stomach's a mess, IC is acting up, and I've gained back some weight.

I need money so much. I'm thinking of just doing it. What's the difference anyhow? I don't work and die a slow, spiritual death, or I start getting some gigs, which maybe I won't do well, but they will get me some cash while it lasts, get me out and around people, which will lift my spirits, and help me afford treatments that might save me or at last make me a little better.

It seems worth the risk right around now. Failure is not much of a fear, I've become accustomed to it...So we shall see...

Cortisol Testing

I got to see a cardiologist this week. (The GP at my new clinic sent me to him so he could manage the POTS & all that.) Thankfully, he was very sweet; an older gentleman. He listened. He had no answers, but he tried, he listened, he examined, and best of all at least he didn't give me the impression he thought I was a loon. (he didn't tell me what I needed was exercise,like the last one I saw, a suggestion so far off base it drove me to tears...because at the time I could barely stand!)

His only idea was to have my cortisol tested. When the do that test though, it always comes back normal. However, last year, I had the other version, the one where they have you collect saliva a few times over a 24 hour period and compare the measurements to what they should be at those times. Mine was low in the daytime, and high at night, which explains my insomnia and the fact that I feel quite energetic at about 1am...And any little thing stresses me out in thee early afternoon (I don't even get up in the morning anymore! Lucky me? Not really, it kinda sucks!)

Anyways, found this article that describes it & thought I'd share.

http://www.nutritionalmedicine.org.uk/phdi/p1.nsf/supppages/franklin?opendocument&part=6

On the bright side, I asked him if I could find a place that did Autonomic Nervous System Function testing, he would give me a referral. :)

What a WEEK!

And thank goodness it's over! Even though I've been sick for several weeks now, this past week was the roughest yet. Antibiotics for my kidney infection weren't working, so I had to go get more. At that point, I was overheating, having hot flashes and cold sweats, and feeling nauseous. Somehow, I got myself to the doctor's and even got in a good mood. It was weird. I honestly think after spending so much time home in bed sick and not seeing anyone but my Dad, and briefly, my brain was just craving some human interaction like mad!

I guess that's part of why this whole "sicker than usual" spell has been so tough. Prior to it, I had at least 3 doctor's appointments a week. (No, I'm not some kind of crazy, it was physical therapy, or my allergist, or a therapist, lol. Just trying to treat as much as was treatable any way I could. Physical Therapy did wonders btw, I'll have to talk about that!) So, pathetic as it may sound, at least I got out and got to talk to real LIVE people at least a couple of times a week and feel like part of the world. I used to be okay with sitting at home alone, but it's just so great to be around people, get distracted, joke, laugh...But lately, I've had to give up on that. First because of financial issues, I had to cut back to bare minimum appointments, and of those, I ended up asking to be billed for most of the co-pays. I'm in such a hole!
Then, I've actually, without a doubt, been far too sick to do much. I kept trying, and trying to do stuff, because I'm stubborn, pig-headed, and that whole guilt thing, but after a few weeks of being sick...I could almost say it broke me a bit...but on the other hand, there was some of that whole "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thing going on.

I just had to come to the realization that, okay, I'm really, really sick right now. Nothing else to do but face it, especially when it's so bad I was starting to avoid even checking my e-mail because being upright was making me feel so ill.

Ah, yes. Dysautonomia. My blood pressure was no lower than it has been since I started on the Beta Blocker, but I could tell it wasn't staying up. I was having headrushes galore, to the point where I was starting to get headaches again, and being upright, sitting at the computer was making me feel just plain ill. It's almost like this anxious feeling, it seems like it's hard to breathe, the muscles in my upper body get completely tensed up, and I just feel sick. And an overwhelming urge to lie down.
It got to the point where I was getting all shaky, like a few weeks back, so I decided I'd better listen and keep lying down, cuz that stuff unnerves me.

PLUS, the UTI was getting so bad, my back was killing me, all the way around actually, and my stomach was swollen enough so it looked like I was pregnant, though I was hardly eating. (Eating made the pain worse, kidney infections seem to screw up one's digestion; at least with me they do...)

I started to get better after a day or so of antibiotics, but then the Dysauntomia flared back up, complete with a resting heartrate of 130. It was so bad I felt out of breath, like I'd been running. I figured, I've gone up to 150 on the eliptical trainer before (back when I was well enough to do that for 20 minutes or so) and there's a hospital less than a mile away, so if it got worse than that, I'd go.
(I think it may have partly been because I ran out of my Beta Blocker the night before, plus, in retrospect, I now see that infections always trigger the Dysautonomia symptoms.)

So all that was fun. I medicated myself any way I could. I had some Celtic Sea Salt, extra pouches of Emergen-C, and vitamins/supplements galore.

I've come (back) to an old conclusion. I need to help my adrenals. Yes, I may have chronic enterovirus infections, but they don't usually make me this sick. And in the past week, I've had different types of infections...so I knew it was my immune system that was having issues. Plus, the Dysauntomia always gets better when I treat my adrenals. I've had a couple of different holistic doctors tell me I was having adrenal troubles, and I KNOW one supplement for them that was key in getting me out of a Dysautonomia flare that was the worse ever (after my last "real" job).

So even if the virus is the cause of everything, treating my obviously exhausted adrenals SHOULD help right? Adrenals regulate your immune system, your digestion, blood sugar, BLOOD PRESSURE, electrolytes, stress response...all of which I've been having trouble with...I am happy to report, that I was pleasantly surprised to find that w/the purchase of some Whey Protein and a box of Emergen-C, I actually have many of the supplements that can help support my adrenals already! (At least for a couple more days...)

So I'm going to work on that, but most of all, just relaxing and accepting that I need to rest, and it's ok to be lazy. Sheesh, that Catholic guilt really does NEVER leave you! Hoping to start some chair yoga tomorrow. Must find my Zen, wherever or however my life is destined to be...