Update: April 2012

Well. Hard to believe a third of the year is behind us already, isn't it?
And more still to believe I've posted so little. It's been a bumpy year, but the main reason was I didn't want to keep putting so much negativity out there.
That, and I've been really exhausted A LOT this year, and, the times I've been in a good mood, well, I didn't want to over-analyze and risk ruining it, haha.

My living situation is still the same. Place was supposed to be sold at auction last month, but they gave an extension, so I'm still here. I wanted to cry, because I'm so sick of things being up in the air, and had psyched myself up to pack up & go, but I realized it's for the best, because I've been pretty sick the last couple of weeks, have hardly been able to do squat. (Ran out of some supplements, and my stomach virus woke up again, making me nauseous, weak, and all around miserable...) But I did finally manage to splurge and have the place cleaned, thank goodness, because even tidying up kicked my butt. I've been trying to do laundry for 3 weeks now. Things are getting tough.

My Mom decided to try and help me get well, and she'd read some book called The Immune Cure, which is actually pretty fabulous, it is about various diseases & conditions, & treating them with vitamins & supplements, but what really impressed me was the authors' understanding of CFS. Th1, Th2, all that. So I tried it, and I think it was helping, kept things under control even after stopping the Cat's Claw I was taking. (Regular, not Samento brand, not TOA free). I also added ProBoost Thymic Protein A. Good stuff. But then ran out of that, and my probiotics, and things went downhill fast. I finally got my shipment today, and I also went ahead and got the Samento brand TOA-free Cat's Claw from Nutramedix. I figure if the regular Cat's Claw can help me (was helping before I took the ProBoost, for months) then it was the thing to try, plus I'd feel dumb telling my doctor I hadn't tried it when I'd had the money to try the other supplements. (Now I'm going w/o some of the other ones, but oh well.) But yes, this type is free of toxicities, and supposed to be something like 100 times stronger than the regular kind. I wasn't sure I was buying it, but when I take just two drops my stomach starts acting up a bit, and a dose is 15-30 drops! (You're supposed to slowly ramp up to that.) So I am hopeful.
Mom seems really committed to helping me, whatever it takes, as much as she can, which I warned her would be expensive, and she is finding out, but she's still on board.

Lately I've had some tough times my whole situation has me extremely anxious, trying to figure out what to do. Was going to go to my cousin's to visit, but had to come to terms that I'm not up for that, more than likely, I'd end up coming home in tears because I couldn't even pretend to keep up, and maybe they wouldn't understand. (Plus there would be kids, which I love, but I'm terrified I would get overwhelmed & not have the patience for them...) Then I was getting to feel so close to a nervous breakdown I decided I was going to go to my favorite spa/hot springs resort in South America, just to get away from everything & everyone, but that got kind of tangled, & really, I'm not up for travelling, either, if I face the cold hard facts. I've had offers, from the East Coast, to the Southwest, to Mexico, but honestly, it's that whole "but you don't look sick" thing getting in the way again. It's very hard for people to look at me and grasp that I am constantly managing symptoms, ALL DAY LONG, almost every single day, 7 days a week. My brain fog is only improved because I'm alone a lot and as long as there's not too much going on I can think straight, but add being around people, and sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and tired so quickly. I'm just too sick.

So with my Mom's continued financial help maybe I can continue the herbals/supplements, relax a bit, and seek out additional treatments. (I have IV treatments on my agenda, H202, which has helped before, and high-dose Vitamin C, the only part of that book I didn't try and am curious to.) Plus Meditation; feeling desperate from the free-floating anxiety, I screwed up my budget and decided to splurge & finally by this Sound medtation program I've wanted for YEARS that makes it really easy to go into a meditative state, and is supposed to have all kinds of great health benefits. Plus, I'm getting back into Reiki, and exploring some other energy and spiritual healing practices.

And I actually managed to make a good outline of my symptoms last night. I still keep racking my brain for ways I can make the SSA judge understand how freakin' sick I am...my latest idea, since every other one has turned out to be a wash, was to make a video explaining my illnesses & my situation. So last night I decided to make an outline of what to say & address, and I ended up with this whole detailed outline of all my conditions and how they affect my days, month, life:


* About me
* I've been trying to get this SSDI application approved for 5 years now.
* I've been sick for 10 years.
* Tried going back to work repeatedly, first part-time, then full-time, then part-time again, but failed to keep up with jobs, got sicker.
* Went to school until I couldn't as evidenced by school transcripts, I started having trouble keeping up, began getting bad grades, incompletes, and tried to go back but had to drop classes because I couldn't focus, even on "fun" classes that I wanted to take as a distraction.
* Have tried to come up with own business ideas, multi-level marketing, working at home, but when I try to implement them I get worn out before I can complete, and symptoms worsen with strain.
* Have been trying to get SSDI for 5 years, it has been horrible to go through, have wanted desperately to go back to work, but keep getting sicker "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results".
* Doctors cannot help me, but do acknowledge I'm sick, just because they don't know enough to help me doesn't mean the illness doesn't exist.
* Evidence: High viral titers, positive for Orthostatic Hypotension & POTS/Tachycardia, Tilt Table Test negative for syncope but shows abnormalities & verifies POTS. Surgery for Endometriosis and removal of implants, ultrasounds show worsening & additon of Adenomyosis (more severe than Endometriosis, and affecting uterus.) MRIs show Degenerative Disc Disease, bulged discs, nerve conduction studies show pinched nerves, meet tenderpoint tests for Fibromyalgia and diagnosis criteria for Interstitial Cystitis

* Conditions
*
* POTS (Dysfunction of Autonomic Nervous System, mostly involving regulating bp & heart rate)
* Symptoms:
* Low Blood Pressure
* Orthostatic Hypotension
* Tachycardia
* Dizziness, near syncope
* Headaches when severe
* Circulation problems
* Problems regulating body temperature
* Digestive Problems
* Problems being upright, even sitting, problems standing, start feeling ill, may trigger tachycardia despite medication, cognitive dysfunction
* Cold extremities (hands, feet, legs, sometimes head)
* Gets worse during menstruation, because I can't have extra salt to keep my blood pressure up, so it causes it to worsen during that time.
* Also gets worse during any acute infection, such as UTI, Sinusitis, Upper Respiratory, etc.
* Causes me to Fatigue easily
* Aggravated by exercise, sometimes even as light as picking up around the house.


* Chronic Enteroviral Infection/CFS Definition: Stomach virus that my body could not fight off due to off-balance immune system that became chronic
* Symptoms
* Stomach flu: Stomach Pain, Persistent Nausea, Acid Reflux, Irrritable Bowel, Diarrhea, Night Sweats, Malaise, Fatigue, Body Aches
* Caused POTS/OI
* Was taking anti-viral medication that helped a bit but it caused Macrocytic Anemia so I had to stop
* CFS overlaps with Fibromyalgia
* Sore throats, swollen lymph nodes


* Fibromyalgia
* Some symptoms overlap with Infection/CFS

* Body aches
* Magnifies pain, both pre-existing and new, and possibly from other conditions
* Brain fog similar to that experienced with MS
* Foot pain
* Fatigue
* Tender Points
* Easily injured


* Degenerative Disc Disease

*
* Symptoms
*
* Shoulder/Upper Back/Neck pain
* Pinched nerves
*
* Tingling, numbness

* Nerve Conduction Studies
* Last time I tried to vaccuum a bedroom I couldn't finish, even after switching arms, and was in moderate/severe pain for 2-3 months.


* Interstitial Cystitis Definition: Chronic bladder condition that causes bladder pain and frequency
*
* Have found treatment that helps, but still struggle to control it completely
* Flare Ups
* Pain, feels like severe UTI, have to take bladder analgesics and Vicodin due to severity, lay down
* Causes frequent urination to the point of keeping me from sleeping well at night or going anywhere far from toilet
* Bloating and severe sensitivity of lower abdomen, cannot wear pants or any clothing that constricts the area whatsover
* Causes pain during menstruation, even when controlled, so minimum monthly flare-ups during that time.
* Cannot eat certain foods or drinks



* Endometriosis
* Definition: Endometrial tissue outside of uterus attaches to ovaries, pelvis, and other organs, causes severe pain and hormonal imbalances.

*
* Symptoms, Surgery, Adenomyosis
* When severe, causes extreme pain, to the point of vomiting, have had to go to the ER. Worse on a monthly basis.
* When not controlled causes bloating, pain & sensitivity in pelvic area, nausea, feeling of fullness so I can't eat much, hot flashes.
* During menstruation, any bloating causes pain, so I cannot eat excessive salt, which I need to eat to control POTS/OI so that gets worse during that time.


* Allergies/Sinusitis
* Chronic Sinus Congestion, recurring infections (very debilitating because both infection & antibiotics worsen my POTS symptoms) must take high doses of anti-histamines, cannot take decongestants that have stimulants in them because triggers tachycardia.
* Asthma if I don't take anti-histamines, inhaler causes tachycardia as well
* Severe Sinus Headaches
* Brain fog



* Time and Energy spent managing symptoms
* All this can be confirmed by medical records.

Yup, so that's it in a nutshell. (I did leave out some more personal stuff though.) Think it gives a good picture? I'm not sure. All I know is that's most of it, in the most organized form I've ever managed to set it down, and that it's exhausting to try and appease all the stupid symptoms and just keep myself in homeostasis, meaning, at a level where I can get through the day without any majorly mood crushing misery and get the few things I absolutely have to do done, or at least get some rest. Maybe if they see me actually saying it, it well help them believe it. Coincidentally I got a call from Washington D.C. today, seems they are going to expedite my case. Please pray, meditate on good thoughts of my winning, or send some Reiki Energy or whatever positive vibes you can my way...If I could just win it would change my life...The stress I've been under for the last several years alone being lifted I'm sure would go a long way towards healing, as all that energy trying to just survive is energy I'm not using to heal. I could have a life again, with dignity, w/o feeling like I'm constantly jumping through a million hoops and juggling precarious situations. (Do I get medication? Or gas? Can I find enough gas money to the pharmacy? Can I get to my doctor's appointment without running out of gas? What do I buy that will last to eat the last week of the month when I'm out of food stamps? Pay my phone bill or my car insurance?)
If I won, not only would I have decent health coverage and be able to try the medical treatments I want, I could move to my own place, on my own terms, and do my own thing, truly in peace. My own roof/sanctuary, me making sure the bills get paid while not having to stress about it. California has everything I need and want to get better, really, I just need the money to utilize the resources and peace of mind that that would bring. (Oh, and it's close to Mexico, if I should find any treatments cheaper there.) And a life with a little bit of happiness would be helpful, too. With PEOPLE in it to distract me from my miseries, to care for and to do stuff with that isn't stuff I absolutely have to do; hopefully the happy chemicals generated from that would give me a little more energy, or at least the will to push myself a little harder more easily! I really believe at this point I have a spiritual sickness, as well as a physical one. I've been through the wringer, and apparently it's starting to show! (Between the ever increasing gray hair & my mother's neighbor telling her I have "sad eyes"!?!) I am sorely lacking joy, though I've tried my best to extract it from every little thing I can, it's getting far too exhausting to do that. Yes, I think a Wholistic approach is definitely the answer...Damnit, I AM going to get better. I just am.

Pets, Walks, & Reiki

Managed the trip to the vet. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically. I got my Father to come with me, but I guess he didn't get that I needed him there for moral support, and for help if I got tired or my brain went on the fritz. As it was he took about 15 minutes to find parking (I had him drop me off, they were doing a little construction, plus I was late and overheating, but it wasn't more than a 30 second walk) and hadn't gotten to the waiting room until after I was called in. (Kinda like my last trip to the ER, where he ditched me to make a phone call without letting me know he was leaving.) Ok, trying not to be bitter here. Just another reason I can't wait for my SSDI to come through though, so I can get some help around the house & running errands if I need it, hopefully, cuz I get about as much help here as I did when I lived alone.

Anyhow, I couldn't remember exactly when the last time kitty ate a whole meal was, and the doctor was putting the pressure on, telling me it was really important to know the exact time, because it was life & death, basically. It ended up being a huge ordeal, because all I had was $60, and they wanted to do X-rays, which were almost $200, plus blood work for another $150. I ended up getting her an IV, which has helped, she ate after we got home, and finally is sleeping, plus I found out cats can take probiotics, so I'm going to try that before I go back to the vet Friday.
I was so wiped out when I got home, it really makes me thankful I don't have human kids, as much as I adore & want them, I can barely handle a cat!

Pets are such a comfort to the chronically ill though! Lately when I'm feeling really lousy physically and don't know what to do with myself, I brave the allergies, grab my kitty, and make her cuddle with me, and I feel SO much better. Silly, I know, but whatever helps, right? She's been my constant companion all these years, I just hope all the sadness and strife haven't affected her too much.

Speaking of which, I had an amazing weekend. I started out Saturday, feeling stuck and resentful and not wanting to be in these four walls. I was trying to find a reason to get out, and I realized I could just make it to the gym...so I did, ten whole minutes on the recumbent bike, and a minute and a half on the arm cycle, woohoo! I left feeling SO much better, and decided to go walk in this parky area next to a creek, close by, find somewhere to sit and look at the duckies...I found them all splashing around, took pictures, got teased by butterflies, had a ladybug land on my phone...it was lovely. I even did something I can never manage, I had a relaxed walk!
So I did that, and had a sort of wandering meditation (well, I did find a rock overhanging the water to meditate on, and a backless bench to lie on & contemplate the blueness of the sky...then came home filled with joy and with the stuckness lifted. I was giddy, and had tons of (very sporadic) energy when I got home, and was tempted to just go continue meditating, hell, meditating my life away...I figured, hey, if it makes me that happy, and is that good for me, why not? It's not like I have a job to go to...Maybe the extra rest will do me good...

Then Sunday I went to a Reiki Class (an alternative healing therapy that sends energy through your body to heal your chakras & stuff) got & gave some healing, and had some interesting experiences. I left there feeling like none of the bad stuff matters, all barriers were down, and anything was possible. I felt like my writer's block was possibly lifted, fear dissolved, anger & resentments set aside, just free. And maybe a little altered, lol. Anyhow, now I can practice on other people. I'm not sure I have a great talent for it yet (although that might just be because some of my classmates were actual psychics, no fair!) and am not really up to doing it on people as work, but I think I'd like to try some distance treatments, so if anyone wants one, let me know.

Alternative Energy - Treatments that Is.

Been so tired lately. My lady cycle has begun again, and I've been struggling badly for energy since a day or two before. I got to bed hours earlier than normal last night, and relatively early the night before, but I still woke up exhausted. I'm struggling right now, but I figured I might as well post as I try and wind down from the LOST finale :)

Anyhow, my first Reiki Treatment (well 2nd really, first in a couple of years, and with this practitioner)appointment was Friday evening, and it couldn't have come at a better time. (I might have mentioned it, but I found a Reiki Practitioner close by who works by donation, and got an appointment almost right away.) I was still tired afterwards, but it felt different. Before I felt exhausted, like gravity was pulling me down...after, I just felt really tired...but when I went to brace myself to hold myself up and will myself to move, I found a lightness and ease that made me have to stop and re-evaluate whether I was tired after all. I was, but it was definitely a different, much better form of tired. It made me wonder if this is how normal people feel when they're tired...

Anyhow, the treatment was amazing. I mean, nothing crazy, but my closed eyelids felt like a movie screen the lights I started seeing after she got started were so bright and vivid that I had to stop myself from opening my eyes because they felt like they were open, and I had a strong suspicion, that if I were to open them they would still be there. I saw the same as last time...Blue, Indigo, Purple, Fuschia...and then a very muted off white khaki tone swirling with a soft shade of pink, very odd.

I felt the energy too...Odd because, like last time, I'd swear I'd hear movement at one end of my body and yet feel the energy at another part.

Also, like last time, I felt a strange sensation in my hands, as if they were being held open and weighed down by something very, very heavy. Last time it felt like an energy ball or something. This time I could feel a tingling but most of all I felt the heaviness in my hands as if they were being pinned to the table. I don't think I could have moved them if I'd wanted to.

I opted to tell the practitioner nothing at the beginning, so it made it extra interesting to hear her observations at the end of the session. She said I had blockages in my Throat Chakra (which I expected) but also my Heart Chakra, and Pelvic Chakra. (Interesting in itself because my Endometriosis and Interstitial Cystitis were making themselves known that day. Her words were "something down here, like with your ovaries.") I looked up the Chakras she mentioned, and lo and behold, they correspond with the colors I saw! The colors for the Heart Chakra, the decription of which matches my issues perfectly, is actually Green and Pink!!!!
The Throat Chakra was the other Purple colors I saw.
I also got curious about the heavy hands thing, asked her, and she said that most people who say that end up becoming Reiki Practitioners themselves, so it seems to mean that one has a talent for it, which I had begun to suspect by the end of the session.

So, no crazy burst of energy, like last time, but definitely last exhausted. Prolonged one on one encounters with people I don't know well usually leave me a bit overstimulated, full of very nervous energy afterwards, but I only felt a little of that and overcame it very quickly. The most defined effect seems to be on my mood, outlook, and spirits. I feel calmer. I got some unpleasant news today which normally would have upset me to the core and revived all kinds of anger, hurt, and nasty feelings. It was (wonderfully) strange though. Intellectually, I was angry and upset by it. But I felt like I had some kind of emotional force-field around me keeping it out and away the vulnerable parts of myself. I vented, and then I let it go.
So anyhow, weekends like this, where I am SO excruciatingly fatigued, are usually really tough for me emotionally. (Thursday I almost drove myself to tears, I'd been doing so good at keeping up with tidying up, but I just couldn't do it at that point, with so little energy...not even cook, for myself...So getting through an entire weekend like that without getting bummed out is really something...)


SO anyhow, I hope this all makes sense, just wanted to share/document my experience w/the Reiki healing...I'd also like to post some research I found on Highly Sensitive Central Nervous Systems, but I think that'll have to wait till next time...until then... :)