PT, Fish & Tea

Well. Today definitely had some rough patches. I've been having that thing happen again where I wake up and can't stay awake, I have to summon all my willpower to try and prop myself up to a semi-sitting position, or else I fall back asleep so deeply it's like I've lost consciousness, and in fact, I've often debated whether or not I actually do. So that's annoying and been going on for a week or two I think. Usually not a good sign, it's happened in the past when I'm really not doing well, or on my way there.

Worse, usually even if I'm down in the dumps the night before, I wake up okay. I dunno, might it was that I had to answer a call from the doctor right after waking up, pushing me right into overdrive mode. No chiropractor after all this Friday, cancelled, it's a holiday. And I'd realized I had another missed call from them, the transcript of which I didn't understand, so I had to talk to that person too. Which reminds me, I have another phone call, another appointment to make, ugh. Oh, right I'd forgotten. Also an e-mail saying my Internet charge didn't go through, and not a penny more coming in...

So I was grumpy and trying to get ready without stressing out, debating whether to shower or not, that kind of thing. And then I called my Mom for something, she said something that struck a dissonant chord with me (something along the lines about examining what I may have done wrong to bring all this awful stuff on myself) and then I was just fuming, because even though it's totally irrational (unless little kids with cancer have done something wrong and are being punished for it too) of course I've asked myself things like that, more though, like, wondering if this is some kind of karmic payback, in which case there's not a thing I can do but live through this. Still, there's always the guilt, like, I should be able to fix this, I must not be trying hard enough...but you don't need to hear that ish from your own mother...

Anyhow, I was falling apart, feeling like imploding. Like, I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually so tired, and I feel like I might snap, and where do I turn? But then it was time for my Physical Therapy Evaluation appointment and it was time to pretend to be sane again.

Which turned out to be a good plan. It was just around the corner, so close, and the Physical Therapist was just amazing.

This tiny little thing, cheery, not ridiculously so, but full of energy and on top of her game. Took an extremely thorough history, so much so I realized things I'd never put together before, also gave me some input on the severity of my back problems after looking over the new records/test results I brought with me, and best of all she was interested in the entire picture, not just my problem area, and came up with a plan to try and help with my general well being, not just strengthening my shoulders & stuff, although she wants to wait until I see my Neuro & Cardio docs to have them clear me for some of it. I hope she's not toooo overzealous though, she wants me to start cardio twice a week for 20 minutes...even though I told her I was barely managing 15 minutes and had been planning on re-starting at 10. Well, I will see...I think she's right, I need to do SOME exercise for my well-being. Not just my weight, which continues to go up, but my circulation, muscle tone, and sanity. So that was that...

Tomorrow, mammograph and ultrasound. Yup, they required I throw that first one in with the ultrasound, ick. I've always thought that whole procedure sounded barbaric, but oh well, just another indignity of the female human condition to endure. Besides, if I have cancer maybe I can finally convince the SSA I am sick! No, I'm just kidding, I'm sure I'll be fine. Besides, I feel my case is looking stronger every day...I think maybe something about me has changed, but these days, instead of feeling defensive when I go to the doctor, I find they believe me before I have a chance, they acknowledge that I'm pretty unwell & I've been blessed with a primary care provider that is on top of her game, and willing to do her best to help me, even if it means learning new things, and she even cared enough to suggest I get a cat! Ha! (For those of you that don't know, I had one for 15 years until December of last year, she got sick and passed away, and I'm actually allergic to cats as of a few years ago.) So she suggested a fish, lol. I actually think she's on to something. She convinced me to try doing washing 3 dishes every day, since that's been an issue that's frustrating me. Finally did it today, did 5 actually, lol. Flared my trapz again, badly, but I got to have soup and tea. I was feeling SO tired & stressed, like wired, uncomfortable, so I made some Kava tea, and the stuff is lovely...tastes chocolate-like and relaxes one.Totally got rid of the awful wired feeling. Yay for clean dishes! I so wanted to do more but something is something, right? What kind of fish should I get, any ideas?

I feel like I'm working as a Professional Scheduler.

I'm writing to stall on doing the dishes. No, not really. I just had some lovely, salty, Onion Soup. Sooo good. Now I'm just in my recliner, letting it digest a bit & making sure my heart's not going to go tachy before I go piss my body off by doing some dishes. Okay, I guess I should be more optimistic. I'm going to set a timer for 10 minutes, so maybe I won't get to that point. (But still get to the point where I have dishes to eat on &/or cook with!) I hate dishes these days. I didn't used to, before I got sick. I actually used to go to guy friend's houses who'd had frat parties and clean up for them, it was like a compulsion, ahh, you have company and your kitchen needs cleaning! Must fix! (Thanks Mom, ya clean freak, lol!) So letting that go has been HARD. But I feel so overwhelmed lately...Hey at least I'm getting other things done!

Now, I don't know if it's because I'm depressed and apathetic or I subconsciously don't want because I know it'll exhaust me & make my back hurt, but I haven't managed to do them in weeks. I was going to have someone come do them, but I was feeling too sick to even deal with that, and then when I felt a bit better there were other more important things to spend that cash on.

Everything is a mess. Got my files from my attorney, all over the living room, plus books I sold the shelves out from under, lol. Files I was scanning all over the office area off the living room. Dining table has all kinds of random stuff. My room, ugh. Clothes & papers. Mostly clean clothes. Folding & putting away clothes kills me, I think I finally figured out why, it has to do with holding up my arms to fold & hang. I can't keep up with it. I think I'm going to move into the Master Bedroom, AGAIN, told my Mom sorry, if you end up here, I'm staying in there this time. (I started getting comfortable TWICE and then she came to stay for a bit and left.) That room is bigger, has 3 more windows/lots of light, whereas my room is kinda cramped, and I noticed when I was sleeping in there it was easier to keep them both clean somehow (maybe it was just because the bed was made in the other room? I dunno. Less stuff ended up on the floor, therefore it was more open looking & you could get around in it. Plus, on days bed is more comfortable than the recliner, I won't be sitting in the dark, I'll be stuck in the (now) most nicely decorated room in the condo, with lots of light and airy-ness.

I sent the paperwork back to the new attorney. Woke up way too early, anxious, so I started making phone calls. At least half a dozen later, I'd booked appointments for pretty much every week in November. 2-3 of them. (Thank goodness for my phone syncing with Google Calendar!) Oh, this is going to be fun. (Not!) Worried though, because the really important ones aren't until later in the month, and my appeal is due before then, so I probably won't be able to submit any new evidence from them. Maybe I can convince the Internist, who I'm seeing sooner to send me for some of the tests I wanted to get from the specialists. Well, hey, at least all the appointments will keep me busy and around people, maybe that will help my (since I got sick and broke) yearly holiday blues.

Kinda bummed the PT won't be until mid-November, my trapz are really making themselves irritating. Maybe when I see my PCP next week, I can convince her to let me see their Chiropractor in the meantime. (She'd told me to see how PT went first, but that's over a month away, and my first appointment with her for the referral for that was another two weeks back! 6 Weeks is a bit much to be in pain nearly every day and getting worse, no?)

Figured out for sure what the whole PMS angry thing is. Ever see those commercials for PMDD? Yup, totally what I have. The most surprising thing when reading up about it, was that I'd thought it was like a PMS Depression thing, but the most apparent problem seems to be...ANGER! So right on with what I've been experiencing. I was just fuming for hours yesterday, just like the day before, but worse. I didn't think it could be that time yet, but I checked my nifty new Period & Ovulation Tracking App, which I downloaded mostly for this reason, and yup, actually, almost on the dot, a week away. I think realizing that helped with the anger a bit, but the apathy is tough. I don't feel that bad and I was thinking I should totally try and go play some pool for a couple of hours (the great thing about pool is you can sit down between shots!) and see if I could hang out with the guys I met there last week, but even though I feel slightly crazy spending so much time alone I couldn't motivate myself. I'd also contemplated starting the gym again (I don't think I went the entire month, except for the massage machine, ugh, what a waste of $20!) super slowly though, but then I realized, I'll probably work up more of a sweat tidying up here, even if I split it up, and I know that will cheer me up to have the place presentable again. So I'll push myself on that instead of socializing or the gym....

Oh, but yeah...PMDD. It was hard to see what the treatment options were. I'm already on anti-depressants so...I think I saw one study about alprazolam, but it wasn't very specific. Maybe the OB/Gyn can help with that. Oh wait, that was the one appointment I didn't get to make, figures, they referred me back to my old PCP clinic, where the receptionist transferred me to a nurse, who NEVER answers, and rarely calls back. (Which is why they are my FORMER PCP) Oyyy. Pretty sure another November appointment though. I really hope I can keep up. I got exhausted just making the appointments today, I ended up going back to sleep around noon and waking up at almost 3pm! (Because my PCP was calling me back, they messed up and wrote my female well-exam results on the wrong chart so had to check where they were supposed to write the Ultrasound for, and then also wanted to tell me they faxed my Rx for the PT, which the PT scheduler insisted they needed, and my PCP's office insisted they didn't, lol. Hoops, hoops, and more hoops!)

So that was the day, today...Guess I'll write another post to update about my appointment Wednesday, not sure I said much about that, either that or I forgot some things....