The Unheard

I'm just so worn out. At the place where I'm staying at now, they are getting on my case because they want to control when I sleep and wake up, it wasn't a problem until I let slip that I was up until 1:30 last night. Their electricity bill hasn't gone up, I've been using candles so as not to use the light most of the time, only charging my laptop after 6pm, peeing in a cup to avoid waking anyone up going in the house to use the bathroom repeatedly (my IC is acting up). So not much bother to them. (My room is outside, in the back yard, detached from the house. I don't make noise, either.) I thought I could relax, and had some hellish pain days, sans pain meds, followed by ridiculous fatigue, been pushing myself way too hard, partly because of nerves over not being allowed to stay; decided I needed to take care of myself and I was being paranoid feeling like they'd get mad if I didn't look busy every second and allowed myself to get the rest I needed the last couple of days, in anticipation of clearing out my storage, and boom, now there's a problem. Apparently I must go to sleep when they want and wake up when they want. And yes, the agreement included payment. And I've tried and tried to explain why my sleep patterns are whacky, and that I need to rest after the last two weeks I've had, especially if I'm to go clear out my storage unit. Yes, I know, the early bird gets the worm. But there's no worms for me to catch. If I wake up early, I end up needing a nap or naps. Then I screw up my sleep patterns even more...Oh, and actually, today, I did wake up early. It's not like I make a habit of sleeping till noon...I'm taking a new medication and upped the dose yesterday, and apparently it made me sleepy, because I fell asleep, laptop at hand, answering e-mails...So apparently I must parade around the house letting everyone know I'm wide awake as soon as I wake up. (A tall order when you have POTS and can barely walk from FM stiffness when you wake up.)

I'm just so tired of trying to handle it all.

I asked my brother tonight why they've abandoned me like this, and he won't give me a straight answer.(He said something about my lying to get him to help me move...umm, well if he was helpful, and I hadn't been so desperate, I wouldn't have had to tell a white lie...actually not sure I even lied, just things didn't go as planned, which was a surprise to me, too.) I don't really want his help at this point  (or maybe I'm just telling myself that because I know none is coming?) but I'm curious to know what his reasoning is for this all being okay, because I don't get it. I feel like no one hears me. What do they expect me to do? Magically not be sick anymore? Or maybe they do just hope I'll roll over and die?