Ups & Downs, and Life

A good friend of mine had a baby shower this weekend, and I made the hourlong trip back to where I lived until a few months ago to attend. Truth is, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I've felt bad about not being there for her, I know she's had a tough time, very tired. It's kind of ironic really, because I declined a lot after I moved, so we've both been sitting around being tired and not feeling well, and I keep thinking if we didn't have those 50 miles in between, at least we could keep each other company! Even more ironic, because she was my favorite girlfriend to go out with, on the occasions when I could manage it. Together, we almost guaranteed a good time for each other, and anyone we came across or who came along. Now, she can't drink, and despite the norm being that a drink or two seemed to relax and numb my muscles, ease the fatigue, and make me not care if I was a tactless ditz, making me feel normal if only for just a few hours, I can't seem to tolerate it either now!

Anyhow, I got there late, thankfully that wasn't a big issue. But I only managed to stay for two hours, an hour and a half in I was completely exhausted, having trouble breathing (something that seems to happen when I get tired, along with my back hurting up where my lungs are, don't know why that is) then I said my goodbyes (fog, pain, & fatigue ensuring that I left out a couple, I hate that!) and went to lie down in the car for a bit before heading home. Let me tell you, I was SO grateful for my car's cruise control! (And the great traffic! Or rather, lack thereof!)

On the way home, I felt happy and nostalgic at seeing my friends.

But by today though, I just felt sad, and lonely.

Sometimes, I can't feel that life is passing me by, watching my friends and family go on with theirs. I feel a little bit stranded out here, and lost.

Things have been tougher than I thought since I moved. At the time, my main concern was having a roof over my head, and a place to live in peace.
But there are still so many things to worry about.

I feel like I've tried so hard to find a new balance, a new path in my life, but nothing ever seems to work, at least not yet; I find nothing but brick walls. I'm afraid I've become incredibly disorganized, and despite my best efforts, I can't seem to get it together, or find the path to regain financial security and control of my life again.

I'm no longer have the cloud over my head about how I'll come up with the rent, but by the time I'd found the solution to that, I'd already just about driven myself into the ground yet again. After the move, I started having big setbacks. Foot sensitivity causing pain so bad I couldn't be on my feet more than 10 minutes without provoking it. Everything just seemed to unravel from there. Apart from not being to do much of anything, I started having the weird autonomic nervous system symptoms again, heart palpitations & weirdness, orthostatic hypotension, and then my allergies worsened, days on end with sinus pain, worsening my fog, and then when I'd just about got that under control, asthma attacks that left me trying not to panic and struggling to breathe for days at a time. Kind of put a kink in my plans to make a new life in my new city. Increasing doses of Neurontin and new shoes got the footpain under control, but I have new pains sprouting left and right...Some new stuff too, that I think might be nerve pain, a weird tingly tightness in my muscles, my chest, my arms, shoulders. It's not quite pain, but it's maddening nonetheless. And my stamina...It's been a tough pill to swallow, how easily I tire these days.

I've found myself struggling for acceptance AGAIN. I seem to go through the steps of grieving over and over again, and never quite finish them. I've found myself wondering if it's because before, I was struggling so hard to act as normal and make people believe I was as normal as possible, live up to their expectations of an attractive, smart, 20something. But the fact is, my life is anything but normal, and I keep finding myself trying to accept this. That's a huge struggle: letting go of wondering what other people must think of me, and accepting that I am doing the best I can, and that those "other" people have no idea what I struggle against each day from the second I get out of bed, and that that's not my problem. My job is making ME happy. So here's to that!