Love and Other Drugs

Ah. I was going to write this fabulous post about the New Year and how great it was going to be (and it is!) but then I went & watched the movie Love and Other Drugs and I had to do a post on that instead. Great movie for us sickies. Apparently we can be insecure about finding a mate because of our illness and still find our very own Jake Gyllenhal! lol.

No really. I really liked the movie, not at all the silly, contrived romantic comedy I was expecting. (Not that those aren't fun, but thank goodness I didn't go see that one for my b-day with either of my parents, lol! On the other hand, it was also very comforting to see such an array of natural breasts, it turns out they really do exist, even in Hollywood!)

But my point was, it touched on some very real issues for those with chronic illness, a good reminder of what I keep reminding myself: that there is someone out there for everyone... A nice thing to keep in mind when the only guys to show any interest in you in the past year have been the plumber and the cable guy, lol! No, but seriously. When you're sick enough to where your life has been transformed by it...dating becomes a very tricky, possibly overwhelming, nerve-wracking experience, unless you're fabulously well-adjusted, which is why I've given it up altogether...for the moment. (To pre-empt my next post, I'm convinced this year will be fabulous, and I will begin to regain my life, happiness, and at least some of my health! Yay 2011!!)

I hesitate to say it's a lack of self-confidence; true insecurity in oneself. I think most of us deep down believe we are pretty fabulous and have SOMETHING to offer, and that the right person will see that; it's just that the harsh reality IS that being with a sick person is not as easy as being with a healthy one. Hell, it's not even easy being the sick person in a relationship, because we have to try extra hard at everything, and there's always going to be a bit of guilt, more than likely...but life is always going to be complicated, and there are never any guarantees, even for the healthy... Love is a very strange thing, and there are always going to be people out there that will amaze you, transcendent, amazing people who see what is invisible to the naked eye. Yes, I'm a cheesy, hopeless romantic, so sue me! :D

Sleepydust Video

I guess I'd sent this to my cousin awhile back. The memory of doing it is lost in the fog, but she e-mailed me today, saying she saw it, and had no idea I was going through all that. The greatest thing she said though, was that she loved me.
That says everything. I really think it's impossible for most people (w/o FM/CFS) to understand just what I've been dealing with...Even I have to admit, that I would look at my MySpace & Facebook pictures, my smiling face and all the mischief, and think, well, she can't really by all that sick. What those pictures don't say is how I felt the next day or days, or that some of them are a year old, or that it was months before I went out with my friends and had a day as fun as the ones in those pictures again, that I retreated back into my cave guilty for having used all that energy for fun, or was too busy trying to get from day to day and survive, keep a roof over my head, to risk wearing myself out by going to a get-together or a party.
Or they don't realize at holiday get togethers, just how much it takes to put myself together so well,don't know how exhausting it was to do my hair, they forget about the makeup, don't know I bought my dress on sale for $7 or that my tights have runs, my 4 year old boots had to be carefully polished to hide the scuff marks & wear & tear,or that their tiny heels, worn for just a little while, had me limping the next day, and the inside of my cute purse is falling apart, all because I can't work a normal job, no matter how I long to, but I go through all the trouble because it makes me happy to look pretty every now & then.

So while I can hardly expect people to understand, that just makes me extra grateful when anyone catches a glimpse of it, and says those three words that mean everything, because sometimes it gets even tough to love yourself when you seem to be losing everything, and no matter how you rack your brain you can't find a way to fix it because your body won't allow it, so to know that someone you admire and hold very dear still loves you no matter what, that is a true gift :)

Here's the Sleepydust vid...if I posted it already, oops!